[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER V
Wool and Water



She caught the shawl as she spoke, and looked about for the owner:
in another moment the White Queen came running wildly through the
wood, with both arms stretched out wide, as if she were flying, and
Alice very civilly went to meet her with the shawl.


`I'm very glad I happened to be in the way,' Alice said, as she
helped her to put on her shawl again.


The White Queen only looked at her in a helpless frightened sort of
way, and kept repeating something in a whisper to herself that
sounded like `bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter,' and Alice felt
that if there was to be any conversation at all, she must manage it
herself. So she began rather timidly: `Am I addressing the White
Queen?'


`Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing,' The Queen said. `It isn't
MY notion of the thing, at all.'


Alice thought it would never do to have an argument at the very
beginning of their conversation, so she smiled and said, `If your
Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it as well
as I can.'


`But I don't want it done at all!' groaned the poor Queen. `I've
been a-dressing myself for the last two hours.'


It would have been all the better, as it seemed to Alice, if she had
got some one else to dress her, she was so dreadfully untidy. `Every
single thing's crooked,' Alice thought to herself, `and she's all
over pins!--may I put your shawl straight for you?' she added aloud.



`I don't know what's the matter with it!' the Queen said, in a
melancholy voice. `It's out of temper, I think. I've pinned it here,
and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it!'


`It CAN'T go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side,'
Alice said, as she gently put it right for her; `and, dear me, what
a state your hair is in!'


`The brush has got entangled in it!' the Queen said with a sigh.
`And I lost the comb yesterday.'


Alice carefully released the brush, and did her best to get the hair
into order. `Come, you look rather better now!' she said, after
altering most of the pins. `But really you should have a lady's
maid!'


`I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure!' the Queen said. `Twopence a
week, and jam every other day.'


Alice couldn't help laughing, as she said, `I don't want you to hire
ME--and I don't care for jam.'


`It's very good jam,' said the Queen.


`Well, I don't want any TO-DAY, at any rate.'


`You couldn't have it if you DID want it,' the Queen said. `The rule
is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday--but never jam to-day.'


`It MUST come sometimes to "jam to-day,"' Alice objected.


`No, it can't,' said the Queen. `It's jam every OTHER day: to-day
isn't any OTHER day, you know.'


`I don't understand you,' said Alice. `It's dreadfully confusing!'


`That's the effect of living backwards,' the Queen said kindly: `it
always makes one a little giddy at first--'


`Living backwards!' Alice repeated in great astonishment. `I never
heard of such a thing!'


`--but there's one great advantage in it, that one's memory works
both ways.'


`I'm sure MINE only works one way.' Alice remarked. `I can't
remember things before they happen.'


`It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,' the Queen
remarked.


`What sort of things do YOU remember best?' Alice ventured to ask.


`Oh, things that happened the week after next,' the Queen replied in
a careless tone. `For instance, now,' she went on, sticking a large
piece of plaster [band-aid] on her finger as she spoke, `there's the
King's Messenger. He's in prison now, being punished: and the trial
doesn't even begin till next Wednesday: and of course the crime
comes last of all.'


`Suppose he never commits the crime?' said Alice.


`That would be all the better, wouldn't it?' the Queen said, as she
bound the plaster round her finger with a bit of ribbon.


Alice felt there was no denying THAT. `Of course it would be all the
better,' she said: `but it wouldn't be all the better his being
punished.'


`You're wrong THERE, at any rate,' said the Queen: `were YOU ever
punished?'


`Only for faults,' said Alice.


`And you were all the better for it, I know!' the Queen said
triumphantly.


`Yes, but then I HAD done the things I was punished for,' said
Alice: `that makes all the difference.'


`But if you HADN'T done them,' the Queen said, `that would have been
better still; better, and better, and better!' Her voice went higher
with each `better,' till it got quite to a squeak at last.


Alice was just beginning to say `There's a mistake somewhere--,'
when the Queen began screaming so loud that she had to leave the
sentence unfinished. `Oh, oh, oh!' shouted the Queen, shaking her
hand about as if she wanted to shake it off. `My finger's bleeding!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!'


Her screams were so exactly like the whistle of a steam-engine, that
Alice had to hold both her hands over her ears.


`What IS the matter?' she said, as soon as there was a chance of
making herself heard. `Have you pricked your finger?'


`I haven't pricked it YET,' the Queen said, `but I soon shall-- oh,
oh, oh!'


`When do you expect to do it?' Alice asked, feeling very much
inclined to laugh.


`When I fasten my shawl again,' the poor Queen groaned out: `the
brooch will come undone directly. Oh, oh!' As she said the words the
brooch flew open, and the Queen clutched wildly at it, and tried to
clasp it again.


`Take care!' cried Alice. `You're holding it all crooked!' And she
caught at the brooch; but it was too late: the pin had slipped, and
the Queen had pricked her finger.


`That accounts for the bleeding, you see,' she said to Alice with a
smile. `Now you understand the way things happen here.'


`But why don't you scream now?' Alice asked, holding her hands ready
to put over her ears again.


`Why, I've done all the screaming already,' said the Queen. `What
would be the good of having it all over again?'


By this time it was getting light. `The crow must have flown away, I
think,' said Alice: `I'm so glad it's gone. I thought it was the
night coming on.'


`I wish I could manage to be glad!' the Queen said. `Only I never
can remember the rule. You must be very happy, living in this wood,
and being glad whenever you like!'


`Only it is so VERY lonely here!' Alice said in a melancholy voice;
and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears came rolling
down her cheeks.


`Oh, don't go on like that!' cried the poor Queen, wringing her
hands in despair. `Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what
a long way you've come to-day. Consider what o'clock it is. Consider
anything, only don't cry!'


Alice could not help laughing at this, even in the midst of her
tears. `Can YOU keep from crying by considering things?' she asked.


`That's the way it's done,' the Queen said with great decision:
`nobody can do two things at once, you know. Let's consider your age
to begin with--how old are you?'


`I'm seven and a half exactly.'


`You needn't say "exactually,"' the Queen remarked: `I can believe
it without that. Now I'll give YOU something to believe. I'm just
one hundred and one, five months and a day.'


`I can't believe THAT!' said Alice.


`Can't you?' the Queen said in a pitying tone. `Try again: draw a
long breath, and shut your eyes.'


Alice laughed. `There's no use trying,' she said: `one CAN'T believe
impossible things.'


`I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. `When I
was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes
I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
There goes the shawl again!'


The brooch had come undone as she spoke, and a sudden gust of wind
blew the Queen's shawl across a little brook. The Queen spread out
her arms again, and went flying after it, and this time she
succeeded in catching it for herself. `I've got it!' she cried in a
triumphant tone. `Now you shall see me pin it on again, all by
myself!'


`Then I hope your finger is better now?' Alice said very politely,
as she crossed the little brook after the Queen.


*





*


`Oh, much better!' cried the Queen, her voice rising to a squeak as
she went on. `Much be-etter! Be-etter! Be-e-e-etter! Be-e-ehh!' The
last word ended in a long bleat, so like a sheep that Alice quite
started.