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This was probably the worst trip of my life.
I'm not a fan of mixing shrooms with food (we mixed with OJ), I'd rather just eat them plain, so that I'll keep in mind from now on. I also can't stand being hot. Throw me into a snowstorm naked (seriously, I used to wear sandals in the dead of winter), but don't ask me to sit in front of a fire in 90 degree heat. I was already uncomfortable, and I should have known better than to take the mushrooms, as it just amplified those feelings. I ended up spiraling deeper and deeper into self-pity and loathing. My dog wasn't with us, so she wasn't there to comfort and ground me and I felt incredibly uprooted being so far from home and with people that I am not close with. I was starting to talk which made me feel a little better, but then I realized no one wanted to hear me talk. I felt self-consious and thought about how everyone must wonder why in hell Seeker committed himself to someone like me. I tried to be on my own, but all I wanted was to ramble to Seeker for a while, but I didn't ask him because I didn't want to ruin anything for anyone else. At the end I really didn't think I'd come out of it, especially since I normally take a looooonnng cold shower as I'm coming to wash away the brain shit I've gotten out - so it was and is just clinging to me. Now I'm just trying to scrape myself clean again, and it's rough. I honestly would have taken bawling in the corner thinking I am going to die over this. At least then the tears would have cleansed me a little. I am sorry to sound so bitter, but I guess it's just how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm presented with the challenge of getting over myself, and knowing that only I have the ability to change how I feel...
Maybe this is a test to see if I can apply what I learned in my New Moon trip? I think only time will tell on this one.
Plus, that quote from Job came into my head during the trip, "the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away"...
Thank you all for your kind wishes and love. A girl couldn't ask for more.
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