[Home] [The Vaults] [Glossary] [Donate] [Sponsors] [Affiliates]
[Calendar] Mark Forums Read [VIP Chat] [Register] [Activate] [Resend Email]

Contests & Calendar Events Board contests will be posted here,
Note-worthy Events Calendar too.


Welcome to the Mycotopia Web Forums
Membership Status -> Guest

Welcome to the Mycotopia Web Forums.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features.

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact contact us.

  • Before you [register] please verify your email account is valid and can accept email. All accounts require email activation.
  • You must [register] in order to access advanced community features.
  • Your account must be activated. If you need to activate your account manually, click [here]
  • If you need the activation email sent to you again, click [here]
  • Your account must be reviewed and approved by an Administrator before you may post. This usually takes less than 24-Hours.
  • To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.


  • Go Back   Mycotopia Web Forums > Contests & Offers > Contests & Calendar Events

    Closed Thread
     
    Thread Tools Display Modes
    Old 07-04-06, 08:34   #51 (permalink)
    Big Happy
     
    unsane's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2006
    Posts: 224
    During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

    After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

    "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

    "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
    unsane is offline  
    Old 07-04-06, 11:04   #52 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    mason420's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 201
    Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

    To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

    Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
    mason420 is offline  
    Old 07-04-06, 18:44   #53 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    Spark's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 1972
    Posts: 791
    i'm not good at making jokes haha
    Spark is offline  
    Old 07-04-06, 23:54   #54 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    akoutdoors's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2006
    Posts: 331
    What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant?


    Run around till you get pooped out!

    my daughter told me that one.
    __________________
    Stop being such a dick Richard!
    akoutdoors is offline  
    Old 07-05-06, 11:41   #55 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    mason420's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 201
    Has it been a week already?

    There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

    Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

    When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

    When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
    mason420 is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 02:06   #56 (permalink)
    Mycophiliac
     
    XisCumming's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 7
    Theres this child maybe 4 or 5 years old a little kid ya know knows nothing about life, just innocent... he walks in on his mom while shes in the shower and points at her (ya know where) and goes mom whats that? and she replies its just my sponge hunnie, the little kid says ok and leaves... maybe 20 minutes later he walks in again and looks, but now its gone (She had shaved) and he goes, mommy where did your sponge go, she responds, oh my i must have lost it, the boy says back dont worry mom ill find it and runs out of the room, she goes gets a drink and sits down and the little boy comes running in screaming mommy mommy i just found your sponge, the mom is a little surprised but curious what do you mean son?... the boy says mom the lady next door is washing daddys face with it
    XisCumming is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 02:39   #57 (permalink)
    Mycophiliac
     
    pj's_crazyg/f's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Posts: 20
    What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
    The longer you play with them, the harder they get

    What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
    A Klondike Bar

    What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    "How do you breath through something so small?"

    What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
    Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

    What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    Why are you shaking she's going to eat me!

    What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
    We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

    Why do men pay more for car insurance?
    Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

    Three words to ruin a man's ego...
    "Is it in?"

    What is the cheapest meat?
    Deer balls, there under a buck.

    hopefully im not too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    pj's_crazyg/f is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 05:40   #58 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    akoutdoors's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2006
    Posts: 331
    ok heres my last 1....


    A baby seal walks into a club.......

    __________________
    Stop being such a dick Richard!
    akoutdoors is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 11:40   #59 (permalink)
    Sponsor
     
    Hillbilly's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 749
    And the winner is-------


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by coinboy75
    A man gets tired of city life and decides to move to hillbilly country to retire to the woods. He buys a little house and is just putting on the finishing touches when he gets his first visit from a hillbilly neighbor.
    "Well welcome to the nieghborhood, slick! How you gettin' along?" says the hillbilly.
    "Oh just great, thanks. Lookin' foward to some peace and quiet.", responds the newcomer.
    "Well before you get down to the peace and the quiet, there's gonna be a wild party out at my place tonight. Why don't you come on out and I'll show you how us country folk get along".
    The newcomer thinks to himself and says, "Hell, why not! What time?"
    "Oh, things should be kickin' by about ten." says the hillbilly. "And so you know, expect some drinkin', some smokin', some fightin' and a whole lot o' fuckin'!"
    "Well, alright. Sounds like a great time!" responds the newcomer. "Should I expect a lot of people?"
    The hillbilly says with a grin, "Naw... Just you and me, partner!"
    PM me Coinboy for your prize
    __________________
    Hillbilly is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 13:05   #60 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    mason420's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 201
    thats such an old joke
    mason420 is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 13:45   #61 (permalink)
    Mycophiliac
     
    coinboy75's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 32
    Maybe so, but you will be too one day. i'll still wish you well...
    coinboy75 is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 15:31   #62 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    Stenciler's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2006
    Posts: 462
    Congrats, dude. I love a good joke contest. for HB.
    __________________
    when pigs fly? it's closer than you may think...
    Stenciler is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 20:37   #63 (permalink)
    Admin
     
    Hippie3's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2001
    Posts: 36,108
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mason420
    thats such an old joke
    so's yer mom
    __________________
    GROW SUPPLIES: www.Mycrotopia.com
    ------------Simply The Best------------
    Namaste
    Temet Nosce
    Hippie3 is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 21:28   #64 (permalink)
    Sponsor
     
    Hillbilly's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 749

    I got your PM, coinboy and will ship ASAP.
    Thanks to all who posted.
    __________________
    Hillbilly is offline  
    Old 07-06-06, 22:11   #65 (permalink)
    cap
    what a long strange trip
     
    cap's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Posts: 3,818





    cool contest hillbilly thx for the opportunity very kind of ya
    cap is offline  
    Old 07-08-06, 21:02   #66 (permalink)
    Sponsor
     
    Hillbilly's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 749
    It is always a pleasure to be here and help out.
    __________________
    Hillbilly is offline  
    Old 07-09-06, 13:59   #67 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    tbonus's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Posts: 509
    Talking wife vs. husband

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument and niether of them wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules,goats,and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically,''Relatives of yours?'' ''Yep,'' the wife replied, ''in-laws''.
    __________________
    TWO WRONGS DONT MAKE A RIGHT, BUT THREE RIGHTS MAKE A LEFT!
    tbonus is offline  
    Old 07-09-06, 14:16   #68 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    tbonus's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Posts: 509
    Smile CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

    A man walkes into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and askes if she can help him.He tells her he's looking for some tampons for his wife.She directs him down the proper aisles.A few mins later,he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter. She says,confused ''Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife''?He answers, ''You see,it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooo-ooo-ooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own........ so does she
    __________________
    TWO WRONGS DONT MAKE A RIGHT, BUT THREE RIGHTS MAKE A LEFT!
    tbonus is offline  
    Old 07-09-06, 14:23   #69 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    tbonus's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Posts: 509
    Lightbulb MANS PERFECT BREAKFAST!!

    He's sitting at the table with his gourmet coffee.His son is on the front of the wheaties box,His daughter is on the cover of Business Week,His girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy,And His wife is on the back of the milk carton!
    __________________
    TWO WRONGS DONT MAKE A RIGHT, BUT THREE RIGHTS MAKE A LEFT!
    tbonus is offline  
    Old 07-09-06, 14:47   #70 (permalink)
    Mycophage
     
    Raindog's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 115
    Why Parents Drink

    The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

    He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted? With a child's whisper.
    "Hello."

    "Is your daddy home? " he asked.

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered, "No."

    Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
    Mommy there?"

    "Yes,"

    "May I talk with her?"

    Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
    "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy," whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
    Helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

    In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
    Landed the hello-copper."

    Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

    "Me."
    __________________
    It takes a sweet little bullet from a pretty blue gun to put those scarlet ribbons in your hair
    Raindog is offline  
    Old 07-11-06, 12:05   #71 (permalink)
    Sponsor
     
    Hillbilly's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 749
    This contest is over but that's funny!
    __________________
    Hillbilly is offline  
    Old 07-11-06, 20:03   #72 (permalink)
    Mycophage
     
    robman1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2006
    Posts: 186
    oops nvm its over
    robman1 is offline  
    Old 07-11-06, 20:19   #73 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    mason420's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 201
    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
    worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
    went unnoticed last week.

    Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
    the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
    into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


    Shut up. You know it's funny.

    mason420 is offline  
    Old 07-11-06, 20:57   #74 (permalink)
    Mycophage
     
    Raindog's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 115
    Ha!
    __________________
    It takes a sweet little bullet from a pretty blue gun to put those scarlet ribbons in your hair
    Raindog is offline  
    Old 07-13-06, 13:55   #75 (permalink)
    Mycophiliac
     
    CannAmerican's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2006
    Posts: 40
    CannAmerican is offline  
    Old 07-13-06, 14:29   #76 (permalink)
    ~DaGoon
    Guest
     
    DaGoon's Avatar
     
    Posts: n/a
    How did hitler tie his shoes?

    In little knotsies!
     
    Old 08-14-06, 09:58   #77 (permalink)
    Former Member
     
    Bfellowes's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2006
    Posts: 26
    This thread is way old , i Know......

    "What was the hillbilly's last words?"


    "HEY YALL...WATCH THIS!!!"
    Bfellowes is offline  
    Old 08-14-06, 19:27   #78 (permalink)
    Sober Sister
     
    Mermaidia's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2006
    Posts: 3,012
    A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
    So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
    "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
    "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "

    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

    "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's
    swearing, dirty words and all that..."

    "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT HOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
    __________________
    When you dream, dream big.
    Mermaidia is offline  
    Old 08-14-06, 19:28   #79 (permalink)
    Sober Sister
     
    Mermaidia's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2006
    Posts: 3,012
    Even though the contest is over I couldn't help myself. I love jokes!
    __________________
    When you dream, dream big.
    Mermaidia is offline  
    Old 08-23-06, 11:40   #80 (permalink)
    XPLORER
     
    gema's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2005
    Posts: 148
    So there's 2 guys. One walks into a bar. The other one ducks.
    __________________
    Freedom from the Known
    gema is offline  
    Old 08-26-06, 19:32   #81 (permalink)
    Mycophage
     
    spunforfun's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2006
    Posts: 100
    Two hillbillies are on there way to work and one says to the other one, I need to get some gas. the other one replies, hey the gas station out south of town has a contest for free sex.If you feel up with gas you have to guess a number between 1 thru 10 and if you get it right you get free sex. so south of town they go. they fill up with gas and go inside and theres a guy working the register and the hillbillies say we want to try the contest for free sex, the guy replies what number do you guess. the one hillbillie takes a few seconds and says 2 and the guy replies sorry the number was 7. the two hillbillie leave the store and when they get into the truck the one hillbillie looks at the other one and says I think we got shafted and no one can win free sex.The other hillbillie says, "BULLSHIT !!" my old lady won twice last week!!!!!!
    spunforfun is offline  
    Old 10-21-06, 16:06   #82 (permalink)
    roc
    Old Man
     
    roc's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 1970
    Posts: 2,789
    Whats the first thing a girl says after having sex in Virginia?




    OK Dad get off you are crushing my cigarettes!
    __________________
    ubuntu!
    Member of Native Geekaho Tribe.
    "Think for yourself and question authority"
    roc is offline  
    Old 11-25-06, 17:44   #83 (permalink)
    ~Poo
    Guest
     
    Poo's Avatar
     
    Posts: n/a
    Buddha walks up to a hot dog vender and says

    " I want one with everything "
     
    Old 11-25-06, 18:15   #84 (permalink)
    Admin
     
    Hippie3's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2001
    Posts: 36,108
    nah, you screwed it up.
    it's "make me one with everything"
    __________________
    GROW SUPPLIES: www.Mycrotopia.com
    ------------Simply The Best------------
    Namaste
    Temet Nosce
    Hippie3 is offline  
    Old 11-26-06, 03:47   #85 (permalink)
    Mycophiliac
     
    onthebrink2's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Posts: 15
    Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, how do you drive this thing.
    onthebrink2 is offline  
    Old 11-26-06, 04:24   #86 (permalink)
    Mycotopiate
     
    papalion's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2006
    Posts: 211
    Alright then. got to throw my redneck hat in.

    How do you circumcise a red neck?

    Kick his sister in the jaw.

    also reminds me of the time my uncle was in a fishing boat with a DEC agent..

    Handed him a burning stick of dynamite and said

    Well.. are you here to talk or are you here to fish?

    Last edited by papalion : 11-26-06 at 04:25. Reason: added
    papalion is offline  
    Closed Thread

    « (Previous Thread) Foster gives Thanks (take a look) | Topia gives Thanks & Free Prints {S.A.S.E.} for November (Next Thread) »


    Similar Threads
    Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
    Buckaroo's "makings of a good night" contest BuckarooBanzai Board Rules & Historic Threads