Through The Looking Glass -- Lewis Carrol -- Full Book Text

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 1

CHAPTER I: Down the Rabbit-Hole
Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on
the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped
into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or
conversations in it, 'and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice
'without pictures or conversation?'

So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for
the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the
pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of
getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit
with pink eyes ran close by her.

There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it
so very much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, 'Oh
dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!' (when she thought it over
afterwards, it occurred to her that she ought to have wondered at
this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the
Rabbit actually took a watch out of its waistcoat-pocket, and looked
at it, and then hurried on, Alice started to her feet, for it
flashed across her mind that she had never before seen a rabbit with
either a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to take out of it, and burning
with curiosity, she ran across the field after it, and fortunately
was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the
hedge.

In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering
how in the world she was to get out again.

The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and
then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment
to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling
down a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had
plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what
was going to happen next. First, she tried to look down and make out
what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then
she looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were
filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps
and pictures hung upon pegs. She took down a jar from one of the
shelves as she passed; it was labelled 'ORANGE MARMALADE', but to
her great disappointment it was empty: she did not like to drop the
jar for fear of killing somebody, so managed to put it into one of
the cupboards as she fell past it.

'Well!' thought Alice to herself, 'after such a fall as this, I
shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How brave they'll all
think me at home! Why, I wouldn't say anything about it, even if I
fell off the top of the house!' (Which was very likely true.)

Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end! 'I wonder how
many miles I've fallen by this time?' she said aloud. 'I must be
getting somewhere near the centre of the earth. Let me see: that
would be four thousand miles down, I think - ' (for, you see, Alice
had learnt several things of this sort in her lessons in the
schoolroom, and though this was not a very good opportunity for
showing off her knowledge, as there was no one to listen to her,
still it was good practice to say it over) ' - yes, that's about the
right distance - but then I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I've
got to?' (Alice had no idea what Latitude was, or Longitude either,
but thought they were nice grand words to say.)

Presently she began again. 'I wonder if I shall fall right through
the earth! How funny it'll seem to come out among the people that
walk with their heads downward! The Antipathies, I think - ' (she
was rather glad there was no one listening, this time, as it didn't
sound at all the right word) ' - but I shall have to ask them what
the name of the country is, you know. Please, Ma'am, is this New
Zealand or Australia?' (and she tried to curtsey as she spoke -
fancy curtseying as you're falling through the air! Do you think you
could manage it?) 'And what an ignorant little girl she'll think me
for asking! No, it'll never do to ask: perhaps I shall see it
written up somewhere.'

Down, down, down. There was nothing else to do, so Alice soon began
talking again. 'Dinah'll miss me very much to-night, I should
think!' (Dinah was the cat.) 'I hope they'll remember her saucer of
milk at tea-time. Dinah my dear! I wish you were down here with me!
There are no mice in the air, I'm afraid, but you might catch a bat,
and that's very like a mouse, you know. But do cats eat bats, I
wonder?' And here Alice began to get rather sleepy, and went on
saying to herself, in a dreamy sort of way, 'Do cats eat bats? Do
cats eat bats?' and sometimes, 'Do bats eat cats?' for, you see, as
she couldn't answer either question, it didn't much matter which way
she put it. She felt that she was dozing off, and had just begun to
dream that she was walking hand in hand with Dinah, and saying to
her very earnestly, 'Now, Dinah, tell me the truth: did you ever eat
a bat?' when suddenly, thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of
sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.

Alice was not a bit hurt, and she jumped up on to her feet in a
moment: she looked up, but it was all dark overhead; before her was
another long passage, and the White Rabbit was still in sight,
hurrying down it. There was not a moment to be lost: away went Alice
like the wind, and was just in time to hear it say, as it turned a
corner, 'Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!' She was
close behind it when she turned the corner, but the Rabbit was no
longer to be seen: she found herself in a long, low hall, which was
lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the roof.

There were doors all round the hall, but they were all locked; and
when Alice had been all the way down one side and up the other,
trying every door, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how
she was ever to get out again.

Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged table, all made of
solid glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and
Alice's first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors
of the hall; but, alas! either the locks were too large, or the key
was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them.
However, on the second time round, she came upon a low curtain she
had not noticed before, and behind it was a little door about
fifteen inches high: she tried the little golden key in the lock,
and to her great delight it fitted!

Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage,
not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the
passage into the loveliest garden you ever saw. How she longed to
get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of
bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get
her head though the doorway; 'and even if my head would go through,'
thought poor Alice, 'it would be of very little use without my
shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think
I could, if I only know how to begin.' For, you see, so many
out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to
think that very few things indeed were really impossible.

There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went
back to the table, half hoping she might find another key on it, or
at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes:
this time she found a little bottle on it, ('which certainly was not
here before,' said Alice,) and round the neck of the bottle was a
paper label, with the words 'DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in
large letters.

It was all very well to say 'Drink me,' but the wise little Alice
was not going to do that in a hurry. 'No, I'll look first,' she
said, 'and see whether it's marked "poison" or not'; for she had
read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt,
and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things, all because
they would not remember the simple rules their friends had taught
them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if you hold it too
long; and that if you cut your finger very deeply with a knife, it
usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much
from a bottle marked 'poison,' it is almost certain to disagree with
you, sooner or later.

However, this bottle was not marked 'poison,' so Alice ventured to
taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of
mixed flavour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey,
toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished it off.

* * * * * * *


'What a curious feeling!' said Alice; 'I must be shutting up like a
telescope.'

And so it was indeed: she was now only ten inches high, and her face
brightened up at the thought that she was now the right size for
going through the little door into that lovely garden. First,
however, she waited for a few minutes to see if she was going to
shrink any further: she felt a little nervous about this; 'for it
might end, you know,' said Alice to herself, 'in my going out
altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?' And
she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after the
candle is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen
such a thing.

After a while, finding that nothing more happened, she decided on
going into the garden at once; but, alas for poor Alice! when she
got to the door, she found she had forgotten the little golden key,
and when she went back to the table for it, she found she could not
possibly reach it: she could see it quite plainly through the glass,
and she tried her best to climb up one of the legs of the table, but
it was too slippery; and when she had tired herself out with trying,
the poor little thing sat down and cried.

'Come, there's no use in crying like that!' said Alice to herself,
rather sharply; 'I advise you to leave off this minute!' She
generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom
followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to
bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her
own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was
playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of
pretending to be two people. 'But it's no use now,' thought poor
Alice, 'to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of
me left to make one respectable person!'

Soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the
table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which
the words 'Eat me' were beautifully marked in currants. 'Well, I'll
eat it,' said Alice, 'and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach
the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the
door; so either way I'll get into the garden, and I don't care which
happens!'

She ate a little bit, and said anxiously to herself, 'Which way?
Which way?', holding her hand on the top of her head to feel which
way it was growing, and she was quite surprised to find that she
remained the same size: to be sure, this generally happens when one
eats cake, but Alice had got so much into the way of expecting
nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite
dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.

So she set to work, and very soon finished off the cake.

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 2

CHAPTER II: The Pool of Tears
'Curiouser and curiouser!' cried Alice (she was so much surprised,
that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English);
'now I'm opening out like the largest telescope that ever was!
Good-bye, feet!' (for when she looked down at her feet, they seemed
to be almost out of sight, they were getting so far off). 'Oh, my
poor little feet, I wonder who will put on your shoes and stockings
for you now, dears? I'm sure I shan't be able! I shall be a great
deal too far off to trouble myself about you: you must manage the
best way you can; - but I must be kind to them,' thought Alice, 'or
perhaps they won't walk the way I want to go! Let me see: I'll give
them a new pair of boots every Christmas.'

And she went on planning to herself how she would manage it. 'They
must go by the carrier,' she thought; 'and how funny it'll seem,
sending presents to one's own feet! And how odd the directions will
look!

Alice's Right Foot, Esq.
Hearthrug,
near the Fender,
(with Alice's love).

Oh dear, what nonsense I'm talking!'

Just then her head struck against the roof of the hall: in fact she
was now more than nine feet high, and she at once took up the little
golden key and hurried off to the garden door.

Poor Alice! It was as much as she could do, lying down on one side,
to look through into the garden with one eye; but to get through was
more hopeless than ever: she sat down and began to cry again.

'You ought to be ashamed of yourself,' said Alice, 'a great girl
like you,' (she might well say this), 'to go on crying in this way!
Stop this moment, I tell you!' But she went on all the same,
shedding gallons of tears, until there was a large pool all round
her, about four inches deep and reaching half down the hall.

After a time she heard a little pattering of feet in the distance,
and she hastily dried her eyes to see what was coming. It was the
White Rabbit returning, splendidly dressed, with a pair of white kid
gloves in one hand and a large fan in the other: he came trotting
along in a great hurry, muttering to himself as he came, 'Oh! the
Duchess, the Duchess! Oh! won't she be savage if I've kept her
waiting!' Alice felt so desperate that she was ready to ask help of
any one; so, when the Rabbit came near her, she began, in a low,
timid voice, 'If you please, sir - ' The Rabbit started violently,
dropped the white kid gloves and the fan, and skurried away into the
darkness as hard as he could go.

Alice took up the fan and gloves, and, as the hall was very hot, she
kept fanning herself all the time she went on talking: 'Dear, dear!
How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as
usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was
I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember
feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next
question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!'
And she began thinking over all the children she knew that were of
the same age as herself, to see if she could have been changed for
any of them.

'I'm sure I'm not Ada,' she said, 'for her hair goes in such long
ringlets, and mine doesn't go in ringlets at all; and I'm sure I
can't be Mabel, for I know all sorts of things, and she, oh! she
knows such a very little! Besides, she's she, and I'm I, and - oh
dear, how puzzling it all is! I'll try if I know all the things I
used to know. Let me see: four times five is twelve, and four times
six is thirteen, and four times seven is - oh dear! I shall never
get to twenty at that rate! However, the Multiplication Table
doesn't signify: let's try Geography. London is the capital of
Paris, and Paris is the capital of Rome, and Rome - no, that's all
wrong, I'm certain! I must have been changed for Mabel! I'll try and
say "How doth the little - "' and she crossed her hands on her lap
as if she were saying lessons, and began to repeat it, but her voice
sounded hoarse and strange, and the words did not come the same as
they used to do: -

'How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

'How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spread his claws,
And welcome little fishes in
With gently smiling jaws!'

'I'm sure those are not the right words,' said poor Alice, and her
eyes filled with tears again as she went on, 'I must be Mabel after
all, and I shall have to go and live in that poky little house, and
have next to no toys to play with, and oh! ever so many lessons to
learn! No, I've made up my mind about it; if I'm Mabel, I'll stay
down here! It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying
"Come up again, dear!" I shall only look up and say "Who am I then?
Tell me that first, and then, if I like being that person, I'll come
up: if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else" - but, oh
dear!' cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears, 'I do wish they
would put their heads down! I am so very tired of being all alone
here!'

As she said this she looked down at her hands, and was surprised to
see that she had put on one of the Rabbit's little white kid gloves
while she was talking. 'How can I have done that?' she thought. 'I
must be growing small again.' She got up and went to the table to
measure herself by it, and found that, as nearly as she could guess,
she was now about two feet high, and was going on shrinking rapidly:
she soon found out that the cause of this was the fan she was
holding, and she dropped it hastily, just in time to avoid shrinking
away altogether.

'That was a narrow escape!' said Alice, a good deal frightened at
the sudden change, but very glad to find herself still in existence;
'and now for the garden!' and she ran with all speed back to the
little door: but, alas! the little door was shut again, and the
little golden key was lying on the glass table as before, 'and
things are worse than ever,' thought the poor child, 'for I never
was so small as this before, never! And I declare it's too bad, that
it is!'

As she said these words her foot slipped, and in another moment,
splash! she was up to her chin in salt water. Her first idea was
that she had somehow fallen into the sea, 'and in that case I can go
back by railway,' she said to herself. (Alice had been to the
seaside once in her life, and had come to the general conclusion,
that wherever you go to on the English coast you find a number of
bathing machines in the sea, some children digging in the sand with
wooden spades, then a row of lodging houses, and behind them a
railway station.) However, she soon made out that she was in the
pool of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high.

'I wish I hadn't cried so much!' said Alice, as she swam about,
trying to find her way out. 'I shall be punished for it now, I
suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That will be a queer
thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer to-day.'

Just then she heard something splashing about in the pool a little
way off, and she swam nearer to make out what it was: at first she
thought it must be a walrus or hippopotamus, but then she remembered
how small she was now, and she soon made out that it was only a
mouse that had slipped in like herself.

'Would it be of any use, now,' thought Alice, 'to speak to this
mouse? Everything is so out-of-the-way down here, that I should
think very likely it can talk: at any rate, there's no harm in
trying.' So she began: 'O Mouse, do you know the way out of this
pool? I am very tired of swimming about here, O Mouse!' (Alice
thought this must be the right way of speaking to a mouse: she had
never done such a thing before, but she remembered having seen in
her brother's Latin Grammar, 'A mouse - of a mouse - to a mouse - a
mouse - O mouse!' The Mouse looked at her rather inquisitively, and
seemed to her to wink with one of its little eyes, but it said
nothing.

'Perhaps it doesn't understand English,' thought Alice; 'I daresay
it's a French mouse, come over with William the Conqueror.' (For,
with all her knowledge of history, Alice had no very clear notion
how long ago anything had happened.) So she began again: 'Ou est ma
chatte?' which was the first sentence in her French lesson-book. The
Mouse gave a sudden leap out of the water, and seemed to quiver all
over with fright. 'Oh, I beg your pardon!' cried Alice hastily,
afraid that she had hurt the poor animal's feelings. 'I quite forgot
you didn't like cats.'

'Not like cats!' cried the Mouse, in a shrill, passionate voice.
'Would you like cats if you were me?'

'Well, perhaps not,' said Alice in a soothing tone: 'don't be angry
about it. And yet I wish I could show you our cat Dinah: I think
you'd take a fancy to cats if you could only see her. She is such a
dear quiet thing,' Alice went on, half to herself, as she swam
lazily about in the pool, 'and she sits purring so nicely by the
fire, licking her paws and washing her face - and she is such a nice
soft thing to nurse - and she's such a capital one for catching mice
- oh, I beg your pardon!' cried Alice again, for this time the Mouse
was bristling all over, and she felt certain it must be really
offended. 'We won't talk about her any more if you'd rather not.'

'We indeed!' cried the Mouse, who was trembling down to the end of
his tail. 'As if I would talk on such a subject! Our family always
hated cats: nasty, low, vulgar things! Don't let me hear the name
again!'

'I won't indeed!' said Alice, in a great hurry to change the subject
of conversation. 'Are you - are you fond - of - of dogs?' The Mouse
did not answer, so Alice went on eagerly: 'There is such a nice
little dog near our house I should like to show you! A little
bright-eyed terrier, you know, with oh, such long curly brown hair!
And it'll fetch things when you throw them, and it'll sit up and beg
for its dinner, and all sorts of things - I can't remember half of
them - and it belongs to a farmer, you know, and he says it's so
useful, it's worth a hundred pounds! He says it kills all the rats
and - oh dear!' cried Alice in a sorrowful tone, 'I'm afraid I've
offended it again!' For the Mouse was swimming away from her as hard
as it could go, and making quite a commotion in the pool as it went.

So she called softly after it, 'Mouse dear! Do come back again, and
we won't talk about cats or dogs either, if you don't like them!'
When the Mouse heard this, it turned round and swam slowly back to
her: its face was quite pale (with passion, Alice thought), and it
said in a low trembling voice, 'Let us get to the shore, and then
I'll tell you my history, and you'll understand why it is I hate
cats and dogs.'

It was high time to go, for the pool was getting quite crowded with
the birds and animals that had fallen into it: there were a Duck and
a Dodo, a Lory and an Eaglet, and several other curious creatures.
Alice led the way, and the whole party swam to the shore.

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 3

CHAPTER III: A Caucus-Race and a Long Tale
They were indeed a queer-looking party that assembled on the bank -
the birds with draggled feathers, the animals with their fur
clinging close to them, and all dripping wet, cross, and
uncomfortable.

The first question of course was, how to get dry again: they had a
consultation about this, and after a few minutes it seemed quite
natural to Alice to find herself talking familiarly with them, as if
she had known them all her life. Indeed, she had quite a long
argument with the Lory, who at last turned sulky, and would only
say, 'I am older than you, and must know better'; and this Alice
would not allow without knowing how old it was, and, as the Lory
positively refused to tell its age, there was no more to be said.

At last the Mouse, who seemed to be a person of authority among
them, called out, 'Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I'll soon
make you dry enough!' They all sat down at once, in a large ring,
with the Mouse in the middle. Alice kept her eyes anxiously fixed on
it, for she felt sure she would catch a bad cold if she did not get
dry very soon.

'Ahem!' said the Mouse with an important air, 'are you all ready?
This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round, if you please!
"William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was
soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been
of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and
Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria - "'

'Ugh!' said the Lory, with a shiver.

'I beg your pardon!' said the Mouse, frowning, but very politely:
'Did you speak?'

'Not I!' said the Lory hastily.

'I thought you did,' said the Mouse. ' - I proceed. "Edwin and
Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and
even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it
advisable - "'

'Found what?' said the Duck.

'Found it,' the Mouse replied rather crossly: 'of course you know
what "it" means.'

'I know what "it" means well enough, when I find a thing,' said the
Duck: 'it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did
the archbishop find?'

The Mouse did not notice this question, but hurriedly went on, '" -
found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and
offer him the crown. William's conduct at first was moderate. But
the insolence of his Normans - " How are you getting on now, my
dear?' it continued, turning to Alice as it spoke.

'As wet as ever,' said Alice in a melancholy tone: 'it doesn't seem
to dry me at all.'

'In that case,' said the Dodo solemnly, rising to its feet, 'I move
that the meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more
energetic remedies - '

'Speak English!' said the Eaglet. 'I don't know the meaning of half
those long words, and, what's more, I don't believe you do either!'
And the Eaglet bent down its head to hide a smile: some of the other
birds tittered audibly.

'What I was going to say,' said the Dodo in an offended tone, 'was,
that the best thing to get us dry would be a Caucus-race.'

'What is a Caucus-race?' said Alice; not that she wanted much to
know, but the Dodo had paused as if it thought that somebody ought
to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

'Why,' said the Dodo, 'the best way to explain it is to do it.'
(And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day,
I will tell you how the Dodo managed it.)

First it marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle, ('the exact
shape doesn't matter,' it said,) and then all the party were placed
along the course, here and there. There was no 'One, two, three, and
away,' but they began running when they liked, and left off when
they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over.
However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were
quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out 'The race is over!'
and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, 'But who has
won?'

This question the Dodo could not answer without a great deal of
thought, and it sat for a long time with one finger pressed upon its
forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the
pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence. At last the Dodo
said, 'everybody has won, and all must have prizes.'

'But who is to give the prizes?' quite a chorus of voices asked.

'Why, she, of course,' said the Dodo, pointing to Alice with one
finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out
in a confused way, 'Prizes! Prizes!'

Alice had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her
pocket, and pulled out a box of comfits, (luckily the salt water had
not got into it), and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly
one a-piece all round.

'But she must have a prize herself, you know,' said the Mouse.

'Of course,' the Dodo replied very gravely. 'What else have you got
in your pocket?' he went on, turning to Alice.

'Only a thimble,' said Alice sadly.

'Hand it over here,' said the Dodo.

Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Dodo solemnly
presented the thimble, saying 'We beg your acceptance of this
elegant thimble'; and, when it had finished this short speech, they
all cheered.

Alice thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so
grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of
anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the thimble, looking as
solemn as she could.

The next thing was to eat the comfits: this caused some noise and
confusion, as the large birds complained that they could not taste
theirs, and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back.
However, it was over at last, and they sat down again in a ring, and
begged the Mouse to tell them something more.

'You promised to tell me your history, you know,' said Alice, 'and
why it is you hate - C and D,' she added in a whisper, half afraid
that it would be offended again.

'Mine is a long and a sad tale!' said the Mouse, turning to Alice,
and sighing.

'It is a long tail, certainly,' said Alice, looking down with wonder
at the Mouse's tail; 'but why do you call it sad?' And she kept on
puzzling about it while the Mouse was speaking, so that her idea of
the tale was something like this: -

'Fury said to a
mouse, That he
met in the
house,
"Let us
both go to
law: I will
prosecute
you. - Come,
I'll take no
denial; We
must have a
trial: For
really this
morning I've
nothing
to do."
Said the
mouse to the
cur, "Such
a trial,
dear Sir,
With
no jury
or judge,
would be
wasting
our
breath."
"I'll be
judge, I'll
be jury,"
Said
cunning
old Fury:
"I'll
try the
whole
cause,
and
condemn
you
to
death."'

'You are not attending!' said the Mouse to Alice severely. 'What are
you thinking of?'

'I beg your pardon,' said Alice very humbly: 'you had got to the
fifth bend, I think?'

'I had not!' cried the Mouse, sharply and very angrily.

'A knot!' said Alice, always ready to make herself useful, and
looking anxiously about her. 'Oh, do let me help to undo it!'

'I shall do nothing of the sort,' said the Mouse, getting up and
walking away. 'You insult me by talking such nonsense!'

'I didn't mean it!' pleaded poor Alice. 'But you're so easily
offended, you know!'

The Mouse only growled in reply.

'Please come back and finish your story!' Alice called after it; and
the others all joined in chorus, 'Yes, please do!' but the Mouse
only shook its head impatiently, and walked a little quicker.

'What a pity it wouldn't stay!' sighed the Lory, as soon as it was
quite out of sight; and an old Crab took the opportunity of saying
to her daughter 'Ah, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to
lose your temper!' 'Hold your tongue, Ma!' said the young Crab, a
little snappishly. 'You're enough to try the patience of an oyster!'

'I wish I had our Dinah here, I know I do!' said Alice aloud,
addressing nobody in particular. 'She'd soon fetch it back!'

'And who is Dinah, if I might venture to ask the question?' said the
Lory.

Alice replied eagerly, for she was always ready to talk about her
pet: 'Dinah's our cat. And she's such a capital one for catching
mice you can't think! And oh, I wish you could see her after the
birds! Why, she'll eat a little bird as soon as look at it!'

This speech caused a remarkable sensation among the party. Some of
the birds hurried off at once: one old Magpie began wrapping itself
up very carefully, remarking, 'I really must be getting home; the
night-air doesn't suit my throat!' and a Canary called out in a
trembling voice to its children, 'Come away, my dears! It's high
time you were all in bed!' On various pretexts they all moved off,
and Alice was soon left alone.

'I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah!' she said to herself in a
melancholy tone. 'Nobody seems to like her, down here, and I'm sure
she's the best cat in the world! Oh, my dear Dinah! I wonder if I
shall ever see you any more!' And here poor Alice began to cry
again, for she felt very lonely and low-spirited. In a little while,
however, she again heard a little pattering of footsteps in the
distance, and she looked up eagerly, half hoping that the Mouse had
changed his mind, and was coming back to finish his story.

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 4

CHAPTER IV: The Rabbit Sends in a Little Bill
It was the White Rabbit, trotting slowly back again, and looking
anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something; and she
heard it muttering to itself 'The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear
paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed, as sure as
ferrets are ferrets! Where can I have dropped them, I wonder?' Alice
guessed in a moment that it was looking for the fan and the pair of
white kid gloves, and she very good-naturedly began hunting about
for them, but they were nowhere to be seen - everything seemed to
have changed since her swim in the pool, and the great hall, with
the glass table and the little door, had vanished completely.

Very soon the Rabbit noticed Alice, as she went hunting about, and
called out to her in an angry tone, 'Why, Mary Ann, what are you
doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves
and a fan! Quick, now!' And Alice was so much frightened that she
ran off at once in the direction it pointed to, without trying to
explain the mistake it had made.

'He took me for his housemaid,' she said to herself as she ran. 'How
surprised he'll be when he finds out who I am! But I'd better take
him his fan and gloves - that is, if I can find them.' As she said
this, she came upon a neat little house, on the door of which was a
bright brass plate with the name 'W. Rabbit' engraved upon it. She
went in without knocking, and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest
she should meet the real Mary Ann, and be turned out of the house
before she had found the fan and gloves.

'How queer it seems,' Alice said to herself, 'to be going messages
for a rabbit! I suppose Dinah'll be sending me on messages next!'
And she began fancying the sort of thing that would happen: '"Miss
Alice! Come here directly, and get ready for your walk!" "Coming in
a minute, nurse! But I've got to see that the mouse doesn't get
out." Only I don't think,' Alice went on, 'that they'd let Dinah
stop in the house if it began ordering people about like that!'

By this time she had found her way into a tidy little room with a
table in the window, and on it (as she had hoped) a fan and two or
three pairs of tiny white kid gloves: she took up the fan and a pair
of the gloves, and was just going to leave the room, when her eye
fell upon a little bottle that stood near the looking-glass. There
was no label this time with the words 'Drink me,' but nevertheless
she uncorked it and put it to her lips. 'I know something
interesting is sure to happen,' she said to herself, 'whenever I eat
or drink anything; so I'll just see what this bottle does. I do hope
it'll make me grow large again, for really I'm quite tired of being
such a tiny little thing!'

It did so indeed, and much sooner than she had expected: before she
had drunk half the bottle, she found her head pressing against the
ceiling, and had to stoop to save her neck from being broken. She
hastily put down the bottle, saying to herself 'That's quite enough
- I hope I shan't grow any more - As it is, I can't get out at the
door - I do wish I hadn't drunk quite so much!'

Alas! it was too late to wish that! She went on growing, and
growing, and very soon had to kneel down on the floor: in another
minute there was not even room for this, and she tried the effect of
lying down with one elbow against the door, and the other arm curled
round her head. Still she went on growing, and, as a last resource,
she put one arm out of the window, and one foot up the chimney, and
said to herself 'Now I can do no more, whatever happens. What will
become of me?'

Luckily for Alice, the little magic bottle had now had its full
effect, and she grew no larger: still it was very uncomfortable,
and, as there seemed to be no sort of chance of her ever getting out
of the room again, no wonder she felt unhappy.

'It was much pleasanter at home,' thought poor Alice, 'when one
wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by
mice and rabbits. I almost wish I hadn't gone down that rabbit-hole
- and yet - and yet - it's rather curious, you know, this sort of
life! I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read
fairy-tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now
here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a book written
about me, that there ought! And when I grow up, I'll write one - but
I'm grown up now,' she added in a sorrowful tone; 'at least there's
no room to grow up any more here.'

'But then,' thought Alice, 'shall I never get any older than I am
now? That'll be a comfort, one way - never to be an old woman - but
then - always to have lessons to learn! Oh, I shouldn't like that!'

'Oh, you foolish Alice!' she answered herself. 'How can you learn
lessons in here? Why, there's hardly room for you, and no room at
all for any lesson-books!'

And so she went on, taking first one side and then the other, and
making quite a conversation of it altogether; but after a few
minutes she heard a voice outside, and stopped to listen.

'Mary Ann! Mary Ann!' said the voice. 'Fetch me my gloves this
moment!' Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. Alice
knew it was the Rabbit coming to look for her, and she trembled till
she shook the house, quite forgetting that she was now about a
thousand times as large as the Rabbit, and had no reason to be
afraid of it.

Presently the Rabbit came up to the door, and tried to open it; but,
as the door opened inwards, and Alice's elbow was pressed hard
against it, that attempt proved a failure. Alice heard it say to
itself 'Then I'll go round and get in at the window.'

'That you won't' thought Alice, and, after waiting till she fancied
she heard the Rabbit just under the window, she suddenly spread out
her hand, and made a snatch in the air. She did not get hold of
anything, but she heard a little shriek and a fall, and a crash of
broken glass, from which she concluded that it was just possible it
had fallen into a cucumber-frame, or something of the sort.

Next came an angry voice - the Rabbit's - 'Pat! Pat! Where are you?'
And then a voice she had never heard before, 'Sure then I'm here!
Digging for apples, yer honour!'

'Digging for apples, indeed!' said the Rabbit angrily. 'Here! Come
and help me out of this!' (Sounds of more broken glass.)

'Now tell me, Pat, what's that in the window?'

'Sure, it's an arm, yer honour!' (He pronounced it 'arrum.')

'An arm, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why, it fills the
whole window!'

'Sure, it does, yer honour: but it's an arm for all that.'

'Well, it's got no business there, at any rate: go and take it
away!'

There was a long silence after this, and Alice could only hear
whispers now and then; such as, 'Sure, I don't like it, yer honour,
at all, at all!' 'Do as I tell you, you coward!' and at last she
spread out her hand again, and made another snatch in the air. This
time there were two little shrieks, and more sounds of broken glass.
'What a number of cucumber-frames there must be!' thought Alice. 'I
wonder what they'll do next! As for pulling me out of the window, I
only wish they could! I'm sure I don't want to stay in here any
longer!'

She waited for some time without hearing anything more: at last came
a rumbling of little cartwheels, and the sound of a good many voices
all talking together: she made out the words: 'Where's the other
ladder? - Why, I hadn't to bring but one; Bill's got the other -
Bill! fetch it here, lad! - Here, put 'em up at this corner - No,
tie 'em together first - they don't reach half high enough yet - Oh!
they'll do well enough; don't be particular - Here, Bill! catch hold
of this rope - Will the roof bear? - Mind that loose slate - Oh,
it's coming down! Heads below!' (a loud crash) - 'Now, who did that?
- It was Bill, I fancy - Who's to go down the chimney? - Nay, I
shan't! you do it! - That I won't, then! - Bill's to go down - Here,
Bill! the master says you're to go down the chimney!'

'Oh! So Bill's got to come down the chimney, has he?' said Alice to
herself. 'Shy, they seem to put everything upon Bill! I wouldn't be
in Bill's place for a good deal: this fireplace is narrow, to be
sure; but I think I can kick a little!'

She drew her foot as far down the chimney as she could, and waited
till she heard a little animal (she couldn't guess of what sort it
was) scratching and scrambling about in the chimney close above her:
then, saying to herself 'This is Bill,' she gave one sharp kick, and
waited to see what would happen next.

The first thing she heard was a general chorus of 'There goes Bill!'
then the Rabbit's voice along - 'Catch him, you by the hedge!' then
silence, and then another confusion of voices - 'Hold up his head -
Brandy now - Don't choke him - How was it, old fellow? What happened
to you? Tell us all about it!'

Last came a little feeble, squeaking voice, ('That's Bill,' thought
Alice,) 'Well, I hardly know - No more, thank ye; I'm better now -
but I'm a deal too flustered to tell you - all I know is, something
comes at me like a Jack-in-the-box, and up I goes like a
sky-rocket!'

'So you did, old fellow!' said the others.

'We must burn the house down!' said the Rabbit's voice; and Alice
called out as loud as she could, 'If you do. I'll set Dinah at you!'

There was a dead silence instantly, and Alice thought to herself, 'I
wonder what they will do next! If they had any sense, they'd take
the roof off.' After a minute or two, they began moving about again,
and Alice heard the Rabbit say, 'A barrowful will do, to begin
with.'

'A barrowful of what?' thought Alice; but she had not long to doubt,
for the next moment a shower of little pebbles came rattling in at
the window, and some of them hit her in the face. 'I'll put a stop
to this,' she said to herself, and shouted out, 'You'd better not do
that again!' which produced another dead silence.

Alice noticed with some surprise that the pebbles were all turning
into little cakes as they lay on the floor, and a bright idea came
into her head. 'If I eat one of these cakes,' she thought, 'it's
sure to make some change in my size; and as it can't possibly make
me larger, it must make me smaller, I suppose.'

So she swallowed one of the cakes, and was delighted to find that
she began shrinking directly. As soon as she was small enough to get
through the door, she ran out of the house, and found quite a crowd
of little animals and birds waiting outside. The poor little Lizard,
Bill, was in the middle, being held up by two guinea-pigs, who were
giving it something out of a bottle. They all made a rush at Alice
the moment she appeared; but she ran off as hard as she could, and
soon found herself safe in a thick wood.

'The first thing I've got to do,' said Alice to herself, as she
wandered about in the wood, 'is to grow to my right size again; and
the second thing is to find my way into that lovely garden. I think
that will be the best plan.'

It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply
arranged; the only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest
idea how to set about it; and while she was peering about anxiously
among the trees, a little sharp bark just over her head made her
look up in a great hurry.

An enormous puppy was looking down at her with large round eyes, and
feebly stretching out one paw, trying to touch her. 'Poor little
thing!' said Alice, in a coaxing tone, and she tried hard to whistle
to it; but she was terribly frightened all the time at the thought
that it might be hungry, in which case it would be very likely to
eat her up in spite of all her coaxing.

Hardly knowing what she did, she picked up a little bit of stick,
and held it out to the puppy; whereupon the puppy jumped into the
air off all its feet at once, with a yelp of delight, and rushed at
the stick, and made believe to worry it; then Alice dodged behind a
great thistle, to keep herself from being run over; and the moment
she appeared on the other side, the puppy made another rush at the
stick, and tumbled head over heels in its hurry to get hold of it;
then Alice, thinking it was very like having a game of play with a
cart-horse, and expecting every moment to be trampled under its
feet, ran round the thistle again; then the puppy began a series of
short charges at the stick, running a very little way forwards each
time and a long way back, and barking hoarsely all the while, till
at last it sat down a good way off, panting, with its tongue hanging
out of its mouth, and its great eyes half shut.

This seemed to Alice a good opportunity for making her escape; so
she set off at once, and ran till she was quite tired and out of
breath, and till the puppy's bark sounded quite faint in the
distance.

'And yet what a dear little puppy it was!' said Alice, as she leant
against a buttercup to rest herself, and fanned herself with one of
the leaves: 'I should have liked teaching it tricks very much, if -
if I'd only been the right size to do it! Oh dear! I'd nearly
forgotten that I've got to grow up again! Let me see - how is it to
be managed? I suppose I ought to eat or drink something or other;
but the great question is, what?'

The great question certainly was, what? Alice looked all round her
at the flowers and the blades of grass, but she did not see anything
that looked like the right thing to eat or drink under the
circumstances. There was a large mushroom growing near her, about
the same height as herself; and when she had looked under it, and on
both sides of it, and behind it, it occurred to her that she might
as well look and see what was on the top of it.

She stretched herself up on tiptoe, and peeped over the edge of the
mushroom, and her eyes immediately met those of a large caterpillar,
that was sitting on the top with its arms folded, quietly smoking a
long hookah, and taking not the smallest notice of her or of
anything else.

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 5

CHAPTER V: Advice from a Caterpillar
The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in
silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth,
and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice
replied, rather shyly, 'I - I hardly know, sir, just at present - at
least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I
must have been changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain
yourself!'

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm
not myself, you see.'

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very
politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being
so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'

'It isn't,' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Alice; 'but when
you have to turn into a chrysalis - you will some day, you know -
and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it
a little queer, won't you?'

'Not a bit,' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,' said Alice; 'all I
know is, it would feel very queer to me.'

'You!' said the Caterpillar contemptuously. 'Who are you?'

Which brought them back again to the beginning of the conversation.
Alice felt a little irritated at the Caterpillar's making such very
short remarks, and she drew herself up and said, very gravely, 'I
think, you ought to tell me who you are, first.'

'Why?' said the Caterpillar.

Here was another puzzling question; and as Alice could not think of
any good reason, and as the Caterpillar seemed to be in a very
unpleasant state of mind, she turned away.

'Come back!' the Caterpillar called after her. 'I've something
important to say!'

This sounded promising, certainly: Alice turned and came back again.

'Keep your temper,' said the Caterpillar.

'Is that all?' said Alice, swallowing down her anger as well as she
could.

'No,' said the Caterpillar.

Alice thought she might as well wait, as she had nothing else to do,
and perhaps after all it might tell her something worth hearing. For
some minutes it puffed away without speaking, but at last it
unfolded its arms, took the hookah out of its mouth again, and said,
'So you think you're changed, do you?'

'I'm afraid I am, sir,' said Alice; 'I can't remember things as I
used - and I don't keep the same size for ten minutes together!'

'Can't remember what things?' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, I've tried to say "How doth the little busy bee," but it all
came different!' Alice replied in a very melancholy voice.

'Repeat, "You are old, Father William,"' said the Caterpillar.

Alice folded her hands, and began: -

'You are old, Father William,' the young man said,
'And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head -
Do you think, at your age, it is right?'

'In my youth,' Father William replied to his son,
'I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.'

'You are old,' said the youth, 'as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -
Pray, what is the reason of that?'

'In my youth,' said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
'I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box -
Allow me to sell you a couple?'

'You are old,' said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -
Pray how did you manage to do it?'

'In my youth,' said his father, 'I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.'

'You are old,' said the youth, 'one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -
What made you so awfully clever?'

'I have answered three questions, and that is enough,'
Said his father; 'don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!'

'That is not said right,' said the Caterpillar.

'Not quite right, I'm afraid,' said Alice, timidly; 'some of the
words have got altered.'

'It is wrong from beginning to end,' said the Caterpillar decidedly,
and there was silence for some minutes.

The Caterpillar was the first to speak.

'What size do you want to be?' it asked.

'Oh, I'm not particular as to size,' Alice hastily replied; 'only
one doesn't like changing so often, you know.'

'I don't know,' said the Caterpillar.

Alice said nothing: she had never been so much contradicted in her
life before, and she felt that she was losing her temper.

'Are you content now?' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, I should like to be a little larger, sir, if you wouldn't
mind,' said Alice: 'three inches is such a wretched height to be.'

'It is a very good height indeed!' said the Caterpillar angrily,
rearing itself upright as it spoke (it was exactly three inches
high).

'But I'm not used to it!' pleaded poor Alice in a piteous tone. And
she thought of herself, 'I wish the creatures wouldn't be so easily
offended!'

'You'll get used to it in time,' said the Caterpillar; and it put
the hookah into its mouth and began smoking again.

This time Alice waited patiently until it chose to speak again. In a
minute or two the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth and
yawned once or twice, and shook itself. Then it got down off the
mushroom, and crawled away in the grass, merely remarking as it
went, 'One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will
make you grow shorter.'

'One side of what? The other side of what?' thought Alice to
herself.

'Of the mushroom,' said the Caterpillar, just as if she had asked it
aloud; and in another moment it was out of sight.

Alice remained looking thoughtfully at the mushroom for a minute,
trying to make out which were the two sides of it; and as it was
perfectly round, she found this a very difficult question. However,
at last she stretched her arms round it as far as they would go, and
broke off a bit of the edge with each hand.

'And now which is which?' she said to herself, and nibbled a little
of the right-hand bit to try the effect: the next moment she felt a
violent blow underneath her chin: it had struck her foot!

She was a good deal frightened by this very sudden change, but she
felt that there was no time to be lost, as she was shrinking
rapidly; so she set to work at once to eat some of the other bit.
Her chin was pressed so closely against her foot, that there was
hardly room to open her mouth; but she did it at last, and managed
to swallow a morsel of the lefthand bit.

* * * * * * *


'Come, my head's free at last!' said Alice in a tone of delight,
which changed into alarm in another moment, when she found that her
shoulders were nowhere to be found: all she could see, when she
looked down, was an immense length of neck, which seemed to rise
like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves that lay far below her.

'What can all that green stuff be?' said Alice. 'And where have my
shoulders got to? And oh, my poor hands, how is it I can't see you?'
She was moving them about as she spoke, but no result seemed to
follow, except a little shaking among the distant green leaves.

As there seemed to be no chance of getting her hands up to her head,
she tried to get her head down to them, and was delighted to find
that her neck would bend about easily in any direction, like a
serpent. She had just succeeded in curving it down into a graceful
zigzag, and was going to dive in among the leaves, which she found
to be nothing but the tops of the trees under which she had been
wandering, when a sharp hiss made her draw back in a hurry: a large
pigeon had flown into her face, and was beating her violently with
its wings.

'Serpent!' screamed the Pigeon.

'I'm not a serpent!' said Alice indignantly. 'Let me alone!'

'Serpent, I say again!' repeated the Pigeon, but in a more subdued
tone, and added with a kind of sob, 'I've tried every way, and
nothing seems to suit them!'

'I haven't the least idea what you're talking about,' said Alice.

'I've tried the roots of trees, and I've tried banks, and I've tried
hedges,' the Pigeon went on, without attending to her; 'but those
serpents! There's no pleasing them!'

Alice was more and more puzzled, but she thought there was no use in
saying anything more till the Pigeon had finished.

'As if it wasn't trouble enough hatching the eggs,' said the Pigeon;
'but I must be on the look-out for serpents night and day! Why, I
haven't had a wink of sleep these three weeks!'

'I'm very sorry you've been annoyed,' said Alice, who was beginning
to see its meaning.

'And just as I'd taken the highest tree in the wood,' continued the
Pigeon, raising its voice to a shriek, 'and just as I was thinking I
should be free of them at last, they must needs come wriggling down
from the sky! Ugh, Serpent!'

'But I'm not a serpent, I tell you!' said Alice. 'I'm a - I'm a - '

'Well! What are you?' said the Pigeon. 'I can see you're trying to
invent something!'

'I - I'm a little girl,' said Alice, rather doubtfully, as she
remembered the number of changes she had gone through that day.

'A likely story indeed!' said the Pigeon in a tone of the deepest
contempt. 'I've seen a good many little girls in my time, but never
one with such a neck as that! No, no! You're a serpent; and there's
no use denying it. I suppose you'll be telling me next that you
never tasted an egg!'

'I have tasted eggs, certainly,' said Alice, who was a very truthful
child; 'but little girls eat eggs quite as much as serpents do, you
know.'

'I don't believe it,' said the Pigeon; 'but if they do, why then
they're a kind of serpent, that's all I can say.'

This was such a new idea to Alice, that she was quite silent for a
minute or two, which gave the Pigeon the opportunity of adding,
'You're looking for eggs, I know that well enough; and what does it
matter to me whether you're a little girl or a serpent?'

'It matters a good deal to me,' said Alice hastily; 'but I'm not
looking for eggs, as it happens; and if I was, I shouldn't want
yours: I don't like them raw.'

'Well, be off, then!' said the Pigeon in a sulky tone, as it settled
down again into its nest. Alice crouched down among the trees as
well as she could, for her neck kept getting entangled among the
branches, and every now and then she had to stop and untwist it.
After a while she remembered that she still held the pieces of
mushroom in her hands, and she set to work very carefully, nibbling
first at one and then at the other, and growing sometimes taller and
sometimes shorter, until she had succeeded in bringing herself down
to her usual height.

It was so long since she had been anything near the right size, that
it felt quite strange at first; but she got used to it in a few
minutes, and began talking to herself, as usual. 'Come, there's half
my plan done now! How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure
what I'm going to be, from one minute to another! However, I've got
back to my right size: the next thing is, to get into that beautiful
garden - how is that to be done, I wonder?' As she said this, she
came suddenly upon an open place, with a little house in it about
four feet high. 'Whoever lives there,' thought Alice, 'it'll never
do to come upon them this size: why, I should frighten them out of
their wits!' So she began nibbling at the righthand bit again, and
did not venture to go near the house till she had brought herself
down to nine inches high.

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 6

CHAPTER VI: Pig and Pepper
For a minute or two she stood looking at the house, and wondering
what to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out
of the wood - (she considered him to be a footman because he was in
livery: otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called
him a fish) - and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It
was opened by another footman in livery, with a round face, and
large eyes like a frog; and both footmen, Alice noticed, had
powdered hair that curled all over their heads. She felt very
curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little way out of
the wood to listen.

The Fish-Footman began by producing from under his arm a great
letter, nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the
other, saying, in a solemn tone, 'For the Duchess. An invitation
from the Queen to play croquet.' The Frog-Footman repeated, in the
same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little,
'From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.'

Then they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled together.

Alice laughed so much at this, that she had to run back into the
wood for fear of their hearing her; and when she next peeped out the
Fish-Footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near
the door, staring stupidly up into the sky.

Alice went timidly up to the door, and knocked.

'There's no sort of use in knocking,' said the Footman, 'and that
for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as
you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no
one could possibly hear you.' And certainly there was a most
extraordinary noise going on within - a constant howling and
sneezing, and every now and then a great crash, as if a dish or
kettle had been broken to pieces.

'Please, then,' said Alice, 'how am I to get in?'

'There might be some sense in your knocking,' the Footman went on
without attending to her, 'if we had the door between us. For
instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you
out, you know.' He was looking up into the sky all the time he was
speaking, and this Alice thought decidedly uncivil. 'But perhaps he
can't help it,' she said to herself; 'his eyes are so very nearly at
the top of his head. But at any rate he might answer questions. -
How am I to get in?' she repeated, aloud.

'I shall sit here,' the Footman remarked, 'till tomorrow - '

At this moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came
skimming out, straight at the Footman's head: it just grazed his
nose, and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him.

' - or next day, maybe,' the Footman continued in the same tone,
exactly as if nothing had happened.

'How am I to get in?' asked Alice again, in a louder tone.

'Are you to get in at all?' said the Footman. 'That's the first
question, you know.'

It was, no doubt: only Alice did not like to be told so. 'It's
really dreadful,' she muttered to herself, 'the way all the
creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy!'

The Footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating
his remark, with variations. 'I shall sit here,' he said, 'on and
off, for days and days.'

'But what am I to do?' said Alice.

'Anything you like,' said the Footman, and began whistling.

'Oh, there's no use in talking to him,' said Alice desperately:
'he's perfectly idiotic!' And she opened the door and went in.

The door led right into a large kitchen, which was full of smoke
from one end to the other: the Duchess was sitting on a three-legged
stool in the middle, nursing a baby; the cook was leaning over the
fire, stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup.

'There's certainly too much pepper in that soup!' Alice said to
herself, as well as she could for sneezing.

There was certainly too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess
sneezed occasionally; and as for the baby, it was sneezing and
howling alternately without a moment's pause. The only things in the
kitchen that did not sneeze, were the cook, and a large cat which
was sitting on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear.

'Please would you tell me,' said Alice, a little timidly, for she
was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak
first, 'why your cat grins like that?'

'It's a Cheshire cat,' said the Duchess, 'and that's why. Pig!'

She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice quite
jumped; but she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the
baby, and not to her, so she took courage, and went on again: -

'I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't
know that cats could grin.'

'They all can,' said the Duchess; 'and most of 'em do.'

'I don't know of any that do,' Alice said very politely, feeling
quite pleased to have got into a conversation.

'You don't know much,' said the Duchess; 'and that's a fact.'

Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark, and thought it
would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation.
While she was trying to fix on one, the cook took the cauldron of
soup off the fire, and at once set to work throwing everything
within her reach at the Duchess and the baby - the fire-irons came
first; then followed a shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The
Duchess took no notice of them even when they hit her; and the baby
was howling so much already, that it was quite impossible to say
whether the blows hurt it or not.

'Oh, please mind what you're doing!' cried Alice, jumping up and
down in an agony of terror. 'Oh, there goes his precious nose'; as
an unusually large saucepan flew close by it, and very nearly
carried it off.

'If everybody minded their own business,' the Duchess said in a
hoarse growl, 'the world would go round a deal faster than it does.'

'Which would not be an advantage,' said Alice, who felt very glad to
get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. 'Just
think of what work it would make with the day and night! You see the
earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis - '

'Talking of axes,' said the Duchess, 'chop off her head!'

Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook, to see if she meant to
take the hint; but the cook was busily stirring the soup, and seemed
not to be listening, so she went on again: 'Twenty-four hours, I
think; or is it twelve? I - '

'Oh, don't bother me,' said the Duchess; 'I never could abide
figures!' And with that she began nursing her child again, singing a
sort of lullaby to it as she did so, and giving it a violent shake
at the end of every line:

'Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.'

Chorus.

(In which the cook and the baby joined): -

'Wow! wow! wow!'

While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song, she kept
tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing
howled so, that Alice could hardly hear the words: -

'I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes;
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!'

Chorus.

'Wow! wow! wow!'

'Here! you may nurse it a bit, if you like!' the Duchess said to
Alice, flinging the baby at her as she spoke. 'I must go and get
ready to play croquet with the Queen,' and she hurried out of the
room. The cook threw a frying-pan after her as she went out, but it
just missed her.

Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped
little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions,
'just like a star-fish,' thought Alice. The poor little thing was
snorting like a steam-engine when she caught it, and kept doubling
itself up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether,
for the first minute or two, it was as much as she could do to hold
it.

As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it, (which was
to twist it up into a sort of knot, and then keep tight hold of its
right ear and left foot, so as to prevent its undoing itself,) she
carried it out into the open air. 'If I don't take this child away
with me,' thought Alice, 'they're sure to kill it in a day or two:
wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind?' She said the last words
out loud, and the little thing grunted in reply (it had left off
sneezing by this time). 'Don't grunt,' said Alice; 'that's not at
all a proper way of expressing yourself.'

The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its
face to see what was the matter with it. There could be no doubt
that it had a very turn-up nose, much more like a snout than a real
nose; also its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby:
altogether Alice did not like the look of the thing at all. 'But
perhaps it was only sobbing,' she thought, and looked into its eyes
again, to see if there were any tears.

No, there were no tears. 'If you're going to turn into a pig, my
dear,' said Alice, seriously, 'I'll have nothing more to do with
you. Mind now!' The poor little thing sobbed again (or grunted, it
was impossible to say which), and they went on for some while in
silence.

Alice was just beginning to think to herself, 'Now, what am I to do
with this creature when I get it home?' when it grunted again, so
violently, that she looked down into its face in some alarm. This
time there could be no mistake about it: it was neither more nor
less than a pig, and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her
to carry it further.

So she set the little creature down, and felt quite relieved to see
it trot away quietly into the wood. 'If it had grown up,' she said
to herself, 'it would have made a dreadfully ugly child: but it
makes rather a handsome pig, I think.' And she began thinking over
other children she knew, who might do very well as pigs, and was
just saying to herself, 'if one only knew the right way to change
them - ' when she was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire Cat
sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off.

The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good-natured, she
thought: still it had very long claws and a great many teeth, so she
felt that it ought to be treated with respect.

'Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all
know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a
little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she
went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from
here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the
Cat.

'I don't much care where - ' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

' - so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.

'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long
enough.'

Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another
question. 'What sort of people live about here?'

'In that direction,' the Cat said, waving its right paw round,
'lives a Hatter: and in that direction,' waving the other paw,
'lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.'

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: 'we're all mad here. I'm
mad. You're mad.'

'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,' said the Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'

Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on 'And
how do you know that you're mad?'

'To begin with,' said the Cat, 'a dog's not mad. You grant that?'

'I suppose so,' said Alice.

'Well, then,' the Cat went on, 'you see, a dog growls when it's
angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm
pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.'

'I call it purring, not growling,' said Alice.

'Call it what you like,' said the Cat. 'Do you play croquet with the
Queen to-day?'

'I should like it very much,' said Alice, 'but I haven't been
invited yet.'

'You'll see me there,' said the Cat, and vanished.

Alice was not much surprised at this, she was getting so used to
queer things happening. While she was looking at the place where it
had been, it suddenly appeared again.

'By-the-bye, what became of the baby?' said the Cat. 'I'd nearly
forgotten to ask.'

'It turned into a pig,' Alice quietly said, just as if it had come
back in a natural way.

'I thought it would,' said the Cat, and vanished again.

Alice waited a little, half expecting to see it again, but it did
not appear, and after a minute or two she walked on in the direction
in which the March Hare was said to live. 'I've seen hatters
before,' she said to herself; 'the March Hare will be much the most
interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won't be raving mad - at
least not so mad as it was in March.' As she said this, she looked
up, and there was the Cat again, sitting on a branch of a tree.

'Did you say pig, or fig?' said the Cat.

'I said pig,' replied Alice; 'and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing
and vanishing so suddenly: you make one quite giddy.'

'All right,' said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly,
beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which
remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

'Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin,' thought Alice; 'but a
grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my
life!'

She had not gone much farther before she came in sight of the house
of the March Hare: she thought it must be the right house, because
the chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was thatched with
fur. It was so large a house, that she did not like to go nearer
till she had nibbled some more of the lefthand bit of mushroom, and
raised herself to about two feet high: even then she walked up
towards it rather timidly, saying to herself 'Suppose it should be
raving mad after all! I almost wish I'd gone to see the Hatter
instead!'

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 7

CHAPTER VII: A Mad Tea-Party
There was a table set out under a tree in front of the house, and
the March Hare and the Hatter were having tea at it: a Dormouse was
sitting between them, fast asleep, and the other two were using it
as a cushion, resting their elbows on it, and talking over its head.
'Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse,' thought Alice; 'only, as it's
asleep, I suppose it doesn't mind.'

The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together
at one corner of it: 'No room! No room!' they cried out when they
saw Alice coming. 'There's plenty of room!' said Alice indignantly,
and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table.

'Have some wine,' the March Hare said in an encouraging tone.

Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but
tea. 'I don't see any wine,' she remarked.

'There isn't any,' said the March Hare.

'Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it,' said Alice angrily.

'It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited,'
said the March Hare.

'I didn't know it was your table,' said Alice; 'it's laid for a
great many more than three.'

'Your hair wants cutting,' said the Hatter. He had been looking at
Alice for some time with great curiosity, and this was his first
speech.

'You should learn not to make personal remarks,' Alice said with
some severity; 'it's very rude.'

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he
said was, 'Why is a raven like a writing-desk?'

'Come, we shall have some fun now!' thought Alice. 'I'm glad they've
begun asking riddles. - I believe I can guess that,' she added
aloud.

'Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?' said
the March Hare.

'Exactly so,' said Alice.

'Then you should say what you mean,' the March Hare went on.

'I do,' Alice hastily replied; 'at least - at least I mean what I
say - that's the same thing, you know.'

'Not the same thing a bit!' said the Hatter. 'You might just as well
say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I
see"!'

'You might just as well say,' added the March Hare, 'that "I like
what I get" is the same thing as "I get what I like"!'

'You might just as well say,' added the Dormouse, who seemed to be
talking in his sleep, 'that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same
thing as "I sleep when I breathe"!'

'It is the same thing with you,' said the Hatter, and here the
conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for a minute, while
Alice thought over all she could remember about ravens and
writing-desks, which wasn't much.

The Hatter was the first to break the silence. 'What day of the
month is it?' he said, turning to Alice: he had taken his watch out
of his pocket, and was looking at it uneasily, shaking it every now
and then, and holding it to his ear.

Alice considered a little, and then said 'The fourth.'

'Two days wrong!' sighed the Hatter. 'I told you butter wouldn't
suit the works!' he added looking angrily at the March Hare.

'It was the best butter,' the March Hare meekly replied.

'Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well,' the Hatter
grumbled: 'you shouldn't have put it in with the bread-knife.'

The March Hare took the watch and looked at it gloomily: then he
dipped it into his cup of tea, and looked at it again: but he could
think of nothing better to say than his first remark, 'It was the
best butter, you know.'

Alice had been looking over his shoulder with some curiosity. 'What
a funny watch!' she remarked. 'It tells the day of the month, and
doesn't tell what o'clock it is!'

'Why should it?' muttered the Hatter. 'Does your watch tell you what
year it is?'

'Of course not,' Alice replied very readily: 'but that's because it
stays the same year for such a long time together.'

'Which is just the case with mine,' said the Hatter.

Alice felt dreadfully puzzled. The Hatter's remark seemed to have no
sort of meaning in it, and yet it was certainly English. 'I don't
quite understand you,' she said, as politely as she could.

'The Dormouse is asleep again,' said the Hatter, and he poured a
little hot tea upon its nose.

The Dormouse shook its head impatiently, and said, without opening
its eyes, 'Of course, of course; just what I was going to remark
myself.'

'Have you guessed the riddle yet?' the Hatter said, turning to Alice
again.

'No, I give it up,' Alice replied: 'what's the answer?'

'I haven't the slightest idea,' said the Hatter.

'Nor I,' said the March Hare.

Alice sighed wearily. 'I think you might do something better with
the time,' she said, 'than waste it in asking riddles that have no
answers.'

'If you knew Time as well as I do,' said the Hatter, 'you wouldn't
talk about wasting it. It's him.'

'I don't know what you mean,' said Alice.

'Of course you don't!' the Hatter said, tossing his head
contemptuously. 'I dare say you never even spoke to Time!'

'Perhaps not,' Alice cautiously replied: 'but I know I have to beat
time when I learn music.'

'Ah! that accounts for it,' said the Hatter. 'He won't stand
beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do
almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it
were nine o'clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons: you'd
only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a
twinkling! Half-past one, time for dinner!'

('I only wish it was,' the March Hare said to itself in a whisper.)

'That would be grand, certainly,' said Alice thoughtfully: 'but then
- I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know.'

'Not at first, perhaps,' said the Hatter: 'but you could keep it to
half-past one as long as you liked.'

'Is that the way you manage?' Alice asked.

The Hatter shook his head mournfully. 'Not I!' he replied. 'We
quarrelled last March - just before he went mad, you know - '
(pointing with his tea spoon at the March Hare,) ' - it was at the
great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!"

You know the song, perhaps?'

'I've heard something like it,' said Alice.

'It goes on, you know,' the Hatter continued, 'in this way: -

"Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle - "'

Here the Dormouse shook itself, and began singing in its sleep
'Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle - ' and went on so long that
they had to pinch it to make it stop.

'Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse,' said the Hatter, 'when
the Queen jumped up and bawled out, "He's murdering the time! Off
with his head!"'

'How dreadfully savage!' exclaimed Alice.

'And ever since that,' the Hatter went on in a mournful tone, 'he
won't do a thing I ask! It's always six o'clock now.'

A bright idea came into Alice's head. 'Is that the reason so many
tea-things are put out here?' she asked.

'Yes, that's it,' said the Hatter with a sigh: 'it's always
tea-time, and we've no time to wash the things between whiles.'

'Then you keep moving round, I suppose?' said Alice.

'Exactly so,' said the Hatter: 'as the things get used up.'

'But what happens when you come to the beginning again?' Alice
ventured to ask.

'Suppose we change the subject,' the March Hare interrupted,
yawning. 'I'm getting tired of this. I vote the young lady tells us
a story.'

'I'm afraid I don't know one,' said Alice, rather alarmed at the
proposal.

'Then the Dormouse shall!' they both cried. 'Wake up, Dormouse!' And
they pinched it on both sides at once.

The Dormouse slowly opened his eyes. 'I wasn't asleep,' he said in a
hoarse, feeble voice: 'I heard every word you fellows were saying.'

'Tell us a story!' said the March Hare.

'Yes, please do!' pleaded Alice.

'And be quick about it,' added the Hatter, 'or you'll be asleep
again before it's done.'

'Once upon a time there were three little sisters,' the Dormouse
began in a great hurry; 'and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and
Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a well - '

'What did they live on?' said Alice, who always took a great
interest in questions of eating and drinking.

'They lived on treacle,' said the Dormouse, after thinking a minute
or two.

'They couldn't have done that, you know,' Alice gently remarked;
'they'd have been ill.'

'So they were,' said the Dormouse; 'very ill.'

Alice tried to fancy to herself what such an extraordinary ways of
living would be like, but it puzzled her too much, so she went on:
'But why did they live at the bottom of a well?'

'Take some more tea,' the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.

'I've had nothing yet,' Alice replied in an offended tone, 'so I
can't take more.'

'You mean you can't take less,' said the Hatter: 'it's very easy to
take more than nothing.'

'Nobody asked your opinion,' said Alice.

'Who's making personal remarks now?' the Hatter asked triumphantly.

Alice did not quite know what to say to this: so she helped herself
to some tea and bread-and-butter, and then turned to the Dormouse,
and repeated her question. 'Why did they live at the bottom of a
well?'

The Dormouse again took a minute or two to think about it, and then
said, 'It was a treacle-well.'

'There's no such thing!' Alice was beginning very angrily, but the
Hatter and the March Hare went 'Sh! sh!' and the Dormouse sulkily
remarked, 'If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for
yourself.'

'No, please go on!' Alice said very humbly; 'I won't interrupt
again. I dare say there may be one.'

'One, indeed!' said the Dormouse indignantly. However, he consented
to go on. 'And so these three little sisters - they were learning to
draw, you know - '

'What did they draw?' said Alice, quite forgetting her promise.

'Treacle,' said the Dormouse, without considering at all this time.

'I want a clean cup,' interrupted the Hatter: 'let's all move one
place on.'

He moved on as he spoke, and the Dormouse followed him: the March
Hare moved into the Dormouse's place, and Alice rather unwillingly
took the place of the March Hare. The Hatter was the only one who
got any advantage from the change: and Alice was a good deal worse
off than before, as the March Hare had just upset the milk-jug into
his plate.

Alice did not wish to offend the Dormouse again, so she began very
cautiously: 'But I don't understand. Where did they draw the treacle
from?'

'You can draw water out of a water-well,' said the Hatter; 'so I
should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle-well - eh,
stupid?'

'But they were in the well,' Alice said to the Dormouse, not
choosing to notice this last remark.

'Of course they were', said the Dormouse; ' - well in.'

This answer so confused poor Alice, that she let the Dormouse go on
for some time without interrupting it.

'They were learning to draw,' the Dormouse went on, yawning and
rubbing its eyes, for it was getting very sleepy; 'and they drew all
manner of things - everything that begins with an M - '

'Why with an M?' said Alice.

'Why not?' said the March Hare.

Alice was silent.

The Dormouse had closed its eyes by this time, and was going off
into a doze; but, on being pinched by the Hatter, it woke up again
with a little shriek, and went on: ' - that begins with an M, such
as mouse-traps, and the moon, and memory, and muchness - you know
you say things are "much of a muchness" - did you ever see such a
thing as a drawing of a muchness?'

'Really, now you ask me,' said Alice, very much confused, 'I don't
think - '

'Then you shouldn't talk,' said the Hatter.

This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear: she got up in
great disgust, and walked off; the Dormouse fell asleep instantly,
and neither of the others took the least notice of her going, though
she looked back once or twice, half hoping that they would call
after her: the last time she saw them, they were trying to put the
Dormouse into the teapot.

'At any rate I'll never go there again!' said Alice as she picked
her way through the wood. 'It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was
at in all my life!'

Just as she said this, she noticed that one of the trees had a door
leading right into it. 'That's very curious!' she thought. 'But
everything's curious today. I think I may as well go in at once.'
And in she went.

Once more she found herself in the long hall, and close to the
little glass table. 'Now, I'll manage better this time,' she said to
herself, and began by taking the little golden key, and unlocking
the door that led into the garden. Then she went to work nibbling at
the mushroom (she had kept a piece of it in her pocket) till she was
about a foot high: then she walked down the little passage: and then
- she found herself at last in the beautiful garden, among the
bright flower-beds and the cool fountains.

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 8

CHAPTER VIII: The Queen's Croquet-Ground
A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses
growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it,
busily painting them red. Alice thought this a very curious thing,
and she went nearer to watch them, and just as she came up to them
she heard one of them say, 'Look out now, Five! Don't go splashing
paint over me like that!'

'I couldn't help it,' said Five, in a sulky tone; 'Seven jogged my
elbow.'

On which Seven looked up and said, 'That's right, Five! Always lay
the blame on others!'

'You'd better not talk!' said Five. 'I heard the Queen say only
yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!'

'What for?' said the one who had spoken first.

'That's none of your business, Two!' said Seven.

'Yes, it is his business!' said Five, 'and I'll tell him - it was
for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.'

Seven flung down his brush, and had just begun 'Well, of all the
unjust things - ' when his eye chanced to fall upon Alice, as she
stood watching them, and he checked himself suddenly: the others
looked round also, and all of them bowed low.

'Would you tell me,' said Alice, a little timidly, 'why you are
painting those roses?'

Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two. Two began in a low
voice, 'Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been
a red rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the
Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you
know. So you see, Miss, we're doing our best, afore she comes, to -
' At this moment Five, who had been anxiously looking across the
garden, called out 'The Queen! The Queen!' and the three gardeners
instantly threw themselves flat upon their faces. There was a sound
of many footsteps, and Alice looked round, eager to see the Queen.

First came ten soldiers carrying clubs; these were all shaped like
the three gardeners, oblong and flat, with their hands and feet at
the corners: next the ten courtiers; these were ornamented all over
with diamonds, and walked two and two, as the soldiers did. After
these came the royal children; there were ten of them, and the
little dears came jumping merrily along hand in hand, in couples:
they were all ornamented with hearts. Next came the guests, mostly
Kings and Queens, and among them Alice recognised the White Rabbit:
it was talking in a hurried nervous manner, smiling at everything
that was said, and went by without noticing her. Then followed the
Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown on a crimson velvet
cushion; and, last of all this grand procession, came The King and
Queen of Hearts.

Alice was rather doubtful whether she ought not to lie down on her
face like the three gardeners, but she could not remember ever
having heard of such a rule at processions; 'and besides, what would
be the use of a procession,' thought she, 'if people had all to lie
down upon their faces, so that they couldn't see it?' So she stood
still where she was, and waited.

When the procession came opposite to Alice, they all stopped and
looked at her, and the Queen said severely 'Who is this?' She said
it to the Knave of Hearts, who only bowed and smiled in reply.

'Idiot!' said the Queen, tossing her head impatiently; and, turning
to Alice, she went on, 'What's your name, child?'

'My name is Alice, so please your Majesty,' said Alice very
politely; but she added, to herself, 'Why, they're only a pack of
cards, after all. I needn't be afraid of them!'

'And who are these?' said the Queen, pointing to the three gardeners
who were lying round the rosetree; for, you see, as they were lying
on their faces, and the pattern on their backs was the same as the
rest of the pack, she could not tell whether they were gardeners, or
soldiers, or courtiers, or three of her own children.

'How should I know?' said Alice, surprised at her own courage. 'It's
no business of mine.'

The Queen turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at her for a
moment like a wild beast, screamed 'Off with her head! Off - '

'Nonsense!' said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and the Queen was
silent.

The King laid his hand upon her arm, and timidly said 'Consider, my
dear: she is only a child!'

The Queen turned angrily away from him, and said to the Knave 'Turn
them over!'

The Knave did so, very carefully, with one foot.

'Get up!' said the Queen, in a shrill, loud voice, and the three
gardeners instantly jumped up, and began bowing to the King, the
Queen, the royal children, and everybody else.

'Leave off that!' screamed the Queen. 'You make me giddy.' And then,
turning to the rose-tree, she went on, 'What have you been doing
here?'

'May it please your Majesty,' said Two, in a very humble tone, going
down on one knee as he spoke, 'we were trying - '

'I see!' said the Queen, who had meanwhile been examining the roses.
'Off with their heads!' and the procession moved on, three of the
soldiers remaining behind to execute the unfortunate gardeners, who
ran to Alice for protection.

'You shan't be beheaded!' said Alice, and she put them into a large
flower-pot that stood near. The three soldiers wandered about for a
minute or two, looking for them, and then quietly marched off after
the others.

'Are their heads off?' shouted the Queen.

'Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty!' the soldiers
shouted in reply.

'That's right!' shouted the Queen. 'Can you play croquet?'

The soldiers were silent, and looked at Alice, as the question was
evidently meant for her.

'Yes!' shouted Alice.

'Come on, then!' roared the Queen, and Alice joined the procession,
wondering very much what would happen next.

'It's - it's a very fine day!' said a timid voice at her side. She
was walking by the White Rabbit, who was peeping anxiously into her
face.

'Very,' said Alice: ' - where's the Duchess?'

'Hush! Hush!' said the Rabbit in a low, hurried tone. He looked
anxiously over his shoulder as he spoke, and then raised himself
upon tiptoe, put his mouth close to her ear, and whispered 'She's
under sentence of execution.'

'What for?' said Alice.

'Did you say "What a pity!"?' the Rabbit asked.

'No, I didn't,' said Alice: 'I don't think it's at all a pity. I
said "What for?"'

'She boxed the Queen's ears - ' the Rabbit began. Alice gave a
little scream of laughter. 'Oh, hush!' the Rabbit whispered in a
frightened tone. 'The Queen will hear you! You see, she came rather
late, and the Queen said - '

'Get to your places!' shouted the Queen in a voice of thunder, and
people began running about in all directions, tumbling up against
each other; however, they got settled down in a minute or two, and
the game began. Alice thought she had never seen such a curious
croquet-ground in her life; it was all ridges and furrows; the balls
were live hedgehogs, the mallets live flamingoes, and the soldiers
had to double themselves up and to stand on their hands and feet, to
make the arches.

The chief difficulty Alice found at first was in managing her
flamingo: she succeeded in getting its body tucked away, comfortably
enough, under her arm, with its legs hanging down, but generally,
just as she had got its neck nicely straightened out, and was going
to give the hedgehog a blow with its head, it would twist itself
round and look up in her face, with such a puzzled expression that
she could not help bursting out laughing: and when she had got its
head down, and was going to begin again, it was very provoking to
find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself, and was in the act of
crawling away: besides all this, there was generally a ridge or
furrow in the way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog to, and,
as the doubled-up soldiers were always getting up and walking off to
other parts of the ground, Alice soon came to the conclusion that it
was a very difficult game indeed.

The players all played at once without waiting for turns,
quarrelling all the while, and fighting for the hedgehogs; and in a
very short time the Queen was in a furious passion, and went
stamping about, and shouting 'Off with his head!' or 'Off with her
head!' about once in a minute.

Alice began to feel very uneasy: to be sure, she had not as yet had
any dispute with the Queen, but she knew that it might happen any
minute, 'and then,' thought she, 'what would become of me? They're
dreadfully fond of beheading people here; the great wonder is, that
there's any one left alive!'

She was looking about for some way of escape, and wondering whether
she could get away without being seen, when she noticed a curious
appearance in the air: it puzzled her very much at first, but, after
watching it a minute or two, she made it out to be a grin, and she
said to herself 'It's the Cheshire Cat: now I shall have somebody to
talk to.'

'How are you getting on?' said the Cat, as soon as there was mouth
enough for it to speak with.

Alice waited till the eyes appeared, and then nodded. 'It's no use
speaking to it,' she thought, 'till its ears have come, or at least
one of them.' In another minute the whole head appeared, and then
Alice put down her flamingo, and began an account of the game,
feeling very glad she had someone to listen to her. The Cat seemed
to think that there was enough of it now in sight, and no more of it
appeared.

'I don't think they play at all fairly,' Alice began, in rather a
complaining tone, 'and they all quarrel so dreadfully one can't hear
oneself speak - and they don't seem to have any rules in particular;
at least, if there are, nobody attends to them - and you've no idea
how confusing it is all the things being alive; for instance,
there's the arch I've got to go through next walking about at the
other end of the ground - and I should have croqueted the Queen's
hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming!'

'How do you like the Queen?' said the Cat in a low voice.

'Not at all,' said Alice: 'she's so extremely - ' Just then she
noticed that the Queen was close behind her, listening: so she went
on, ' - likely to win, that it's hardly worth while finishing the
game.'

The Queen smiled and passed on.

'Who are you talking to?' said the King, going up to Alice, and
looking at the Cat's head with great curiosity.

'It's a friend of mine - a Cheshire Cat,' said Alice: 'allow me to
introduce it.'

'I don't like the look of it at all,' said the King: 'however, it
may kiss my hand if it likes.'

'I'd rather not,' the Cat remarked.

'Don't be impertinent,' said the King, 'and don't look at me like
that!' He got behind Alice as he spoke.

'A cat may look at a king,' said Alice. 'I've read that in some
book, but I don't remember where.'

'Well, it must be removed,' said the King very decidedly, and he
called the Queen, who was passing at the moment, 'My dear! I wish
you would have this cat removed!'

The Queen had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or
small. 'Off with his head!' she said, without even looking round.

'I'll fetch the executioner myself,' said the King eagerly, and he
hurried off.

Alice thought she might as well go back, and see how the game was
going on, as she heard the Queen's voice in the distance, screaming
with passion. She had already heard her sentence three of the
players to be executed for having missed their turns, and she did
not like the look of things at all, as the game was in such
confusion that she never knew whether it was her turn or not. So she
went in search of her hedgehog.

The hedgehog was engaged in a fight with another hedgehog, which
seemed to Alice an excellent opportunity for croqueting one of them
with the other: the only difficulty was, that her flamingo was gone
across to the other side of the garden, where Alice could see it
trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a tree.

By the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it back, the
fight was over, and both the hedgehogs were out of sight: 'but it
doesn't matter much,' thought Alice, 'as all the arches are gone
from this side of the ground.' So she tucked it away under her arm,
that it might not escape again, and went back for a little more
conversation with her friend.

When she got back to the Cheshire Cat, she was surprised to find
quite a large crowd collected round it: there was a dispute going on
between the executioner, the King, and the Queen, who were all
talking at once, while all the rest were quite silent, and looked
very uncomfortable.

The moment Alice appeared, she was appealed to by all three to
settle the question, and they repeated their arguments to her,
though, as they all spoke at once, she found it very hard indeed to
make out exactly what they said.

The executioner's argument was, that you couldn't cut off a head
unless there was a body to cut it off from: that he had never had to
do such a thing before, and he wasn't going to begin at his time of
life.

The King's argument was, that anything that had a head could be
beheaded, and that you weren't to talk nonsense.

The Queen's argument was, that if something wasn't done about it in
less than no time she'd have everybody executed, all round. (It was
this last remark that had made the whole party look so grave and
anxious.)

Alice could think of nothing else to say but 'It belongs to the
Duchess: you'd better ask her about it.'

'She's in prison,' the Queen said to the executioner: 'fetch her
here.' And the executioner went off like an arrow.

The Cat's head began fading away the moment he was gone, and, by the
time he had come back with the Dutchess, it had entirely
disappeared; so the King and the executioner ran wildly up and down
looking for it, while the rest of the party went back to the game.

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 9

CHAPTER IX: The Mock Turtle's Story
'You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old
thing!' said the Duchess, as she tucked her arm affectionately into
Alice's, and they walked off together.

Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper, and
thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made
her so savage when they met in the kitchen.

'When I'm a Duchess,' she said to herself, (not in a very hopeful
tone though), 'I won't have any pepper in my kitchen at all. Soup
does very well without - Maybe it's always pepper that makes people
hot-tempered,' she went on, very much pleased at having found out a
new kind of rule, 'and vinegar that makes them sour - and camomile
that makes them bitter - and - and barley-sugar and such things that
make children sweet-tempered. I only wish people knew that: then
they wouldn't be so stingy about it, you know - '

She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time, and was a little
startled when she heard her voice close to her ear. 'You're thinking
about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't
tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it
in a bit.'

'Perhaps it hasn't one,' Alice ventured to remark.

'Tut, tut, child!' said the Duchess. 'Everything's got a moral, if
only you can find it.' And she squeezed herself up closer to Alice's
side as she spoke.

Alice did not much like keeping so close to her: first, because the
Duchess was very ugly; and secondly, because she was exactly the
right height to rest her chin upon Alice's shoulder, and it was an
uncomfortably sharp chin. However, she did not like to be rude, so
she bore it as well as she could.

'The game's going on rather better now,' she said, by way of keeping
up the conversation a little.

''Tis so,' said the Duchess: 'and the moral of that is - "Oh, 'tis
love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!"'

'Somebody said,' Alice whispered, 'that it's done by everybody
minding their own business!'

'Ah, well! It means much the same thing,' said the Duchess, digging
her sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder as she added, 'and the
moral of that is - "Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take
care of themselves."'

'How fond she is of finding morals in things!' Alice thought to
herself.

'I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your
waist,' the Duchess said after a pause: 'the reason is, that I'm
doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the
experiment?'

'He might bite,' Alice cautiously replied, not feeling at all
anxious to have the experiment tried.

'Very true,' said the Duchess: 'flamingoes and mustard both bite.
And the moral of that is - "Birds of a feather flock together."'

'Only mustard isn't a bird,' Alice remarked.

'Right, as usual,' said the Duchess: 'what a clear way you have of
putting things!'

'It's a mineral, I think,' said Alice.

'Of course it is,' said the Duchess, who seemed ready to agree to
everything that Alice said; 'there's a large mustard-mine near here.
And the moral of that is - "The more there is of mine, the less
there is of yours."'

'Oh, I know!' exclaimed Alice, who had not attended to this last
remark, 'it's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is.'

'I quite agree with you,' said the Duchess; 'and the moral of that
is - "Be what you would seem to be" - or if you'd like it put more
simply - "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise."'

'I think I should understand that better,' Alice said very politely,
'if I had it written down: but I can't quite follow it as you say
it.'

'That's nothing to what I could say if I chose,' the Duchess
replied, in a pleased tone.

'Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that,' said
Alice.

'Oh, don't talk about trouble!' said the Duchess. 'I make you a
present of everything I've said as yet.'

'A cheap sort of present!' thought Alice. 'I'm glad they don't give
birthday presents like that!' But she did not venture to say it out
loud.

'Thinking again?' the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp
little chin.

'I've a right to think,' said Alice sharply, for she was beginning
to feel a little worried.

'Just about as much right,' said the Duchess, 'as pigs have to fly;
and the m - '

But here, to Alice's great surprise, the Duchess's voice died away,
even in the middle of her favourite word 'moral,' and the arm that
was linked into hers began to tremble. Alice looked up, and there
stood the Queen in front of them, with her arms folded, frowning
like a thunderstorm.

'A fine day, your Majesty!' the Duchess began in a low, weak voice.

'Now, I give you fair warning,' shouted the Queen, stamping on the
ground as she spoke; 'either you or your head must be off, and that
in about half no time! Take your choice!'

The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a moment.

'Let's go on with the game,' the Queen said to Alice; and Alice was
too much frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to
the croquet-ground.

The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen's absence, and
were resting in the shade: however, the moment they saw her, they
hurried back to the game, the Queen merely remarking that a moment's
delay would cost them their lives.

All the time they were playing the Queen never left off quarrelling
with the other players, and shouting 'Off with his head!' or 'Off
with her head!' Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by
the soldiers, who of course had to leave off being arches to do
this, so that by the end of half an hour or so there were no arches
left, and all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice,
were in custody and under sentence of execution.

Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and said to Alice,
'Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?'

'No,' said Alice. 'I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is.'

'It's the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from,' said the Queen.

'I never saw one, or heard of one,' said Alice.

'Come on, then,' said the Queen, 'and he shall tell you his
history,'

As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low
voice, to the company generally, 'You are all pardoned.' 'Come,
that's a good thing!' she said to herself, for she had felt quite
unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered.

They very soon came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep in the sun.
'Up, lazy thing!' said the Queen, 'and take this young lady to see
the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history. I must go back and see
after some executions I have ordered'; and she walked off, leaving
Alice alone with the Gryphon. Alice did not quite like the look of
the creature, but on the whole she thought it would be quite as safe
to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen: so she waited.

The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes: then it watched the Queen
till she was out of sight: then it chuckled. 'What fun!' said the
Gryphon, half to itself, half to Alice.

'What is the fun?' said Alice.

'Why, she,' said the Gryphon. 'It's all her fancy, that: they never
executes nobody, you know. Come on!'

'Everybody says "come on!" here,' thought Alice, as she went slowly
after it: 'I never was so ordered about in all my life, never!'

They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the
distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and, as
they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would
break. She pitied him deeply. 'What is his sorrow?' she asked the
Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, very nearly in the same words as
before, 'It's all his fancy, that: he hasn't got no sorrow, you
know. Come on!'

So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large
eyes full of tears, but said nothing.

'This here young lady,' said the Gryphon, 'she wants for to know
your history, she do.'

'I'll tell it her,' said the Mock Turtle in a deep, hollow tone:
'sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.'

So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes. Alice thought
to herself, 'I don't see how he can even finish, if he doesn't
begin.' But she waited patiently.

'Once,' said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, 'I was a
real Turtle.'

These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by an
occasional exclamation of 'Hjckrrh!' from the Gryphon, and the
constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle. Alice was very nearly
getting up and saying, 'Thank you, sir, for your interesting story,'
but she could not help thinking there must be more to come, so she
sat still and said nothing.

'When we were little,' the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly,
though still sobbing a little now and then, 'we went to school in
the sea. The master was an old Turtle - we used to call him Tortoise
- '

'Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?' Alice asked.

'We called him Tortoise because he taught us,' said the Mock Turtle
angrily: 'really you are very dull!'

'You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple
question,' added the Gryphon; and then they both sat silent and
looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth. At last
the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle, 'Drive on, old fellow! Don't be
all day about it!' and he went on in these words:

'Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it - '

'I never said I didn't!' interrupted Alice.

'You did,' said the Mock Turtle.

'Hold your tongue!' added the Gryphon, before Alice could speak
again. The Mock Turtle went on.

'We had the best of educations - in fact, we went to school every
day - '

'I've been to a day-school, too,' said Alice; 'you needn't be so
proud as all that.'

'With extras?' asked the Mock Turtle a little anxiously.

'Yes,' said Alice, 'we learned French and music.'

'And washing?' said the Mock Turtle.

'Certainly not!' said Alice indignantly.

'Ah! then yours wasn't a really good school,' said the Mock Turtle
in a tone of great relief. 'Now at ours they had at the end of the
bill, "French, music, and washing - extra."'

'You couldn't have wanted it much,' said Alice; 'living at the
bottom of the sea.'

'I couldn't afford to learn it.' said the Mock Turtle with a sigh.
'I only took the regular course.'

'What was that?' inquired Alice.

'Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with,' the Mock Turtle
replied; 'and then the different branches of Arithmetic - Ambition,
Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.'

'I never heard of "Uglification,"' Alice ventured to say. 'What is
it?'

The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. 'What! Never heard
of uglifying!' it exclaimed. 'You know what to beautify is, I
suppose?'

'Yes,' said Alice doubtfully: 'it means - to - make - anything -
prettier.'

'Well, then,' the Gryphon went on, 'if you don't know what to uglify
is, you are a simpleton.'

Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it, so
she turned to the Mock Turtle, and said 'What else had you to
learn?'

'Well, there was Mystery,' the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the
subjects on his flappers, ' - Mystery, ancient and modern, with
Seaography: then Drawling - the Drawling-master was an old
conger-eel, that used to come once a week: He taught us Drawling,
Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.'

'What was that like?' said Alice.

'Well, I can't show it you myself,' the Mock Turtle said: 'I'm too
stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.'

'Hadn't time,' said the Gryphon: 'I went to the Classics master,
though. He was an old crab, he was.'

'I never went to him,' the Mock Turtle said with a sigh: 'he taught
Laughing and Grief, they used to say.'

'So he did, so he did,' said the Gryphon, sighing in his turn; and
both creatures hid their faces in their paws.

'And how many hours a day did you do lessons?' said Alice, in a
hurry to change the subject.

'Ten hours the first day,' said the Mock Turtle: 'nine the next, and
so on.'

'What a curious plan!' exclaimed Alice.

'That's the reason they're called lessons,' the Gryphon remarked:
'because they lessen from day to day.'

This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over a little
before she made her next remark. 'Then the eleventh day must have
been a holiday?'

'Of course it was,' said the Mock Turtle.

'And how did you manage on the twelfth?' Alice went on eagerly.

'That's enough about lessons,' the Gryphon interrupted in a very
decided tone: 'tell her something about the games now.'

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 10

CHAPTER X: The Lobster Quadrille
The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and drew the back of one flapper
across his eyes. He looked at Alice, and tried to speak, but for a
minute or two sobs choked his voice. 'Same as if he had a bone in
his throat,' said the Gryphon: and it set to work shaking him and
punching him in the back. At last the Mock Turtle recovered his
voice, and, with tears running down his cheeks, he went on again: -

'You may not have lived much under the sea - ' ('I haven't,' said
Alice) - 'and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster -
' (Alice began to say 'I once tasted - ' but checked herself
hastily, and said 'No, never') ' - so you can have no idea what a
delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is!'

'No, indeed,' said Alice. 'What sort of a dance is it?'

'Why,' said the Gryphon, 'you first form into a line along the
sea-shore - '

'Two lines!' cried the Mock Turtle. 'Seals, turtles, salmon, and so
on; then, when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way - '

'That generally takes some time,' interrupted the Gryphon.

' - you advance twice - '

'Each with a lobster as a partner!' cried the Gryphon.

'Of course,' the Mock Turtle said: 'advance twice, set to partners -
'

' - change lobsters, and retire in same order,' continued the
Gryphon.

'Then, you know,' the Mock Turtle went on, 'you throw the - '

'The lobsters!' shouted the Gryphon, with a bound into the air.

' - as far out to sea as you can - '

'Swim after them!' screamed the Gryphon.

'Turn a somersault in the sea!' cried the Mock Turtle, capering
wildly about.

'Change lobster's again!' yelled the Gryphon at the top of its
voice.

'Back to land again, and that's all the first figure,' said the Mock
Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice; and the two creatures, who had
been jumping about like mad things all this time, sat down again
very sadly and quietly, and looked at Alice.

'It must be a very pretty dance,' said Alice timidly.

'Would you like to see a little of it?' said the Mock Turtle.

'Very much indeed,' said Alice.

'Come, let's try the first figure!' said the Mock Turtle to the
Gryphon. 'We can do without lobsters, you know. Which shall sing?'

'Oh, you sing,' said the Gryphon. 'I've forgotten the words.'

So they began solemnly dancing round and round Alice, every now and
then treading on her toes when they passed too close, and waving
their forepaws to mark the time, while the Mock Turtle sang this,
very slowly and sadly: -

'"Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail.
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! They are
waiting on the shingle - will you come and join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?"

"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be When they
take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"

But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance -

"Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the
dance.

Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the
dance.

Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the
dance."'

'"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied. "There
is another shore, you know, upon the other side. The further off
from England the nearer is to France - Then turn not pale, beloved
snail, but come and join the dance.

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the
dance?"'

'Thank you, it's a very interesting dance to watch,' said Alice,
feeling very glad that it was over at last: 'and I do so like that
curious song about the whiting!'

'Oh, as to the whiting,' said the Mock Turtle, 'they - you've seen
them, of course?'

'Yes,' said Alice, 'I've often seen them at dinn - ' she checked
herself hastily.

'I don't know where Dinn may be,' said the Mock Turtle, 'but if
you've seen them so often, of course you know what they're like.'

'I believe so,' Alice replied thoughtfully. 'They have their tails
in their mouths - and they're all over crumbs.'

'You're wrong about the crumbs,' said the Mock Turtle: 'crumbs would
all wash off in the sea. But they have their tails in their mouths;
and the reason is - ' here the Mock Turtle yawned and shut his eyes.
- 'Tell her about the reason and all that,' he said to the Gryphon.

'The reason is,' said the Gryphon, 'that they would go with the
lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to
fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So
they couldn't get them out again. That's all.'

'Thank you,' said Alice, 'it's very interesting. I never knew so
much about a whiting before.'

'I can tell you more than that, if you like,' said the Gryphon. 'Do
you know why it's called a whiting?'

'I never thought about it,' said Alice. 'Why?'

'It does the boots and shoes.' the Gryphon replied very solemnly.

Alice was thoroughly puzzled. 'Does the boots and shoes!' she
repeated in a wondering tone.

'Why, what are your shoes done with?' said the Gryphon. 'I mean,
what makes them so shiny?'

Alice looked down at them, and considered a little before she gave
her answer. 'They're done with blacking, I believe.'

'Boots and shoes under the sea,' the Gryphon went on in a deep
voice, 'are done with a whiting. Now you know.'

'And what are they made of?' Alice asked in a tone of great
curiosity.

'Soles and eels, of course,' the Gryphon replied rather impatiently:
'any shrimp could have told you that.'

'If I'd been the whiting,' said Alice, whose thoughts were still
running on the song, 'I'd have said to the porpoise, "Keep back,
please: we don't want you with us!"'

'They were obliged to have him with them,' the Mock Turtle said: 'no
wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.'

'Wouldn't it really?' said Alice in a tone of great surprise.

'Of course not,' said the Mock Turtle: 'why, if a fish came to me,
and told me he was going a journey, I should say "With what
porpoise?"'

'Don't you mean "purpose"?' said Alice.

'I mean what I say,' the Mock Turtle replied in an offended tone.
And the Gryphon added 'Come, let's hear some of your adventures.'

'I could tell you my adventures - beginning from this morning,' said
Alice a little timidly: 'but it's no use going back to yesterday,
because I was a different person then.'

'Explain all that,' said the Mock Turtle.

'No, no! The adventures first,' said the Gryphon in an impatient
tone: 'explanations take such a dreadful time.'

So Alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she
first saw the White Rabbit. She was a little nervous about it just
at first, the two creatures got so close to her, one on each side,
and opened their eyes and mouths so very wide, but she gained
courage as she went on. Her listeners were perfectly quiet till she
got to the part about her repeating 'Your are old, Father William,'
to the Caterpillar, and the words all coming different, and then the
Mock Turtle drew a long breath, and said 'That's very curious.'

'It's all about as curious as it can be,' said the Gryphon.

'It all came different!' the Mock Turtle repeated thoughtfully. 'I
should like to hear her try and repeat something now. Tell her to
begin.' He looked at the Gryphon as if he thought it had some kind
of authority over Alice.

'Stand up and repeat "'Tis the voice of the sluggard,"' said the
Gryphon.

'How the creatures order one about, and make one repeat lessons!'
thought Alice; 'I might as well be at school at once.' However, she
got up, and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of the
Lobster Quadrille, that she hardly knew what she was saying, and the
words came very queer indeed: -

''Tis the voice of the Lobster; I heard him declare,
"You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair."
As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose
Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.

When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,
And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark,
But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,
His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.'

'That's different from what I used to say when I was a child,' said
the Gryphon.

'Well, I never heard it before,' said the Mock Turtle; 'but it
sounds uncommon nonsense.'

Alice said nothing; she had sat down with her face in her hands,
wondering if anything would ever happen in a natural way again.

'I should like to have it explained,' said the Mock Turtle.

'She can't explain it,' said the Gryphon hastily. 'Go on with the
next verse.'

'But about his toes?' the Mock Turtle persisted. 'How could he turn
them out with his nose, you know?'

'It's the first position in dancing.' Alice said; but was dreadfully
puzzled by the whole thing, and longed to change the subject.

'Go on with the next verse,' the Gryphon repeated impatiently: 'it
begins "I passed by his garden."'

Alice did not dare to disobey, though she felt sure it would all
come wrong, and she went on in a trembling voice: -

'I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,
How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie -
The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat,
While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat.
When the pie was all finished, the Owl, as a boon,
Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon:
While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,
And concluded the banquet -'

'What is the use of repeating all that stuff,' the Mock Turtle
interrupted, 'if you don't explain it as you go on? It's by far the
most confusing thing I ever heard!'

'Yes, I think you'd better leave off,' said the Gryphon: and Alice
was only too glad to do so.

'Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille?' the Gryphon
went on. 'Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?'

'Oh, a song, please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind,' Alice
replied, so eagerly that the Gryphon said, in a rather offended
tone, 'Hm! No accounting for tastes! Sing her "Turtle Soup," will
you, old fellow?'

The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and began, in a voice sometimes
choked with sobs, to sing this: -

'Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Beau - ootiful Soo - oop!
Beau - ootiful Soo - oop!
Soo - oop of the e - e - evening,
Beautiful, beautiful Soup!

'Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish,
Game, or any other dish?
Who would not give all else for two
pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?
Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?
Beau - ootiful Soo - oop!
Beau - ootiful Soo - oop!
Soo - oop of the e - e - evening,
Beautiful, beauti - ful soup!'

'Chorus again!' cried the Gryphon, and the Mock Turtle had just
begun to repeat it, when a cry of 'The trial's beginning!' was heard
in the distance.

'Come on!' cried the Gryphon, and, taking Alice by the hand, it
hurried off, without waiting for the end of the song.

'What trial is it?' Alice panted as she ran; but the Gryphon only
answered 'Come on!' and ran the faster, while more and more faintly
came, carried on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy
words: -

'Soo - oop of the e - e - evening,
Beautiful, beautiful Soup!'

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 11

CHAPTER XI: Who Stole the Tarts?
The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their throne when they
arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them - all sorts of
little birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards: the
Knave was standing before them, in chains, with a soldier on each
side to guard him; and near the King was the White Rabbit, with a
trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the
very middle of the court was a table, with a large dish of tarts
upon it: they looked so good, that it made Alice quite hungry to
look at them - 'I wish they'd get the trial done,' she thought, 'and
hand round the refreshments!' But there seemed to be no chance of
this, so she began looking at everything about her, to pass away the
time.

Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read
about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew
the name of nearly everything there. 'That's the judge,' she said to
herself, 'because of his great wig.'

The judge, by the way, was the King; and as he wore his crown over
the wig, (look at the frontispiece if you want to see how he did
it,) he did not look at all comfortable, and it was certainly not
becoming.

'And that's the jury-box,' thought Alice, 'and those twelve
creatures,' (she was obliged to say 'creatures,' you see, because
some of them were animals, and some were birds,) 'I suppose they are
the jurors.' She said this last word two or three times over to
herself, being rather proud of it: for she thought, and rightly too,
that very few little girls of her age knew the meaning of it at all.
However, 'jury-men' would have done just as well.

The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates. 'What are
they doing?' Alice whispered to the Gryphon. 'They can't have
anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.'

'They're putting down their names,' the Gryphon whispered in reply,
'for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.'

'Stupid things!' Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she
stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, 'Silence in the
court!' and the King put on his spectacles and looked anxiously
round, to make out who was talking.

Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over their
shoulders, that all the jurors were writing down 'stupid things!' on
their slates, and she could even make out that one of them didn't
know how to spell 'stupid,' and that he had to ask his neighbour to
tell him. 'A nice muddle their slates'll be in before the trial's
over!' thought Alice.

One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course, Alice
could not stand, and she went round the court and got behind him,
and very soon found an opportunity of taking it away. She did it so
quickly that the poor little juror (it was Bill, the Lizard) could
not make out at all what had become of it; so, after hunting all
about for it, he was obliged to write with one finger for the rest
of the day; and this was of very little use, as it left no mark on
the slate.

'Herald, read the accusation!' said the King.

On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then
unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows: -

'The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day:
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!'

'Consider your verdict,' the King said to the jury.

'Not yet, not yet!' the Rabbit hastily interrupted. 'There's a great
deal to come before that!'

'Call the first witness,' said the King; and the White Rabbit blew
three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, 'First witness!'

The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one
hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other. 'I beg pardon,
your Majesty,' he began, 'for bringing these in: but I hadn't quite
finished my tea when I was sent for.'

'You ought to have finished,' said the King. 'When did you begin?'

The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him into the
court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. 'Fourteenth of March, I think
it was,' he said.

'Fifteenth,' said the March Hare.

'Sixteenth,' added the Dormouse.

'Write that down,' the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly
wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up,
and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

'Take off your hat,' the King said to the Hatter.

'It isn't mine,' said the Hatter.

'Stolen!' the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly
made a memorandum of the fact.

'I keep them to sell,' the Hatter added as an explanation; 'I've
none of my own. I'm a hatter.'

Here the Queen put on her spectacles, and began staring at the
Hatter, who turned pale and fidgeted.

'Give your evidence,' said the King; 'and don't be nervous, or I'll
have you executed on the spot.'

This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he kept shifting
from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at the Queen, and in
his confusion he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the
bread-and-butter.

Just at this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation, which
puzzled her a good deal until she made out what it was: she was
beginning to grow larger again, and she thought at first she would
get up and leave the court; but on second thoughts she decided to
remain where she was as long as there was room for her.

'I wish you wouldn't squeeze so.' said the Dormouse, who was sitting
next to her. 'I can hardly breathe.'

'I can't help it,' said Alice very meekly: 'I'm growing.'

'You've no right to grow here,' said the Dormouse.

'Don't talk nonsense,' said Alice more boldly: 'you know you're
growing too.'

'Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace,' said the Dormouse: 'not in
that ridiculous fashion.' And he got up very sulkily and crossed
over to the other side of the court.

All this time the Queen had never left off staring at the Hatter,
and, just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the
officers of the court, 'Bring me the list of the singers in the last
concert!' on which the wretched Hatter trembled so, that he shook
both his shoes off.

'Give your evidence,' the King repeated angrily, 'or I'll have you
executed, whether you're nervous or not.'

'I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' the Hatter began, in a trembling
voice, ' - and I hadn't begun my tea - not above a week or so - and
what with the bread-and-butter getting so thin - and the twinkling
of the tea - '

'The twinkling of the what?' said the King.

'It began with the tea,' the Hatter replied.

'Of course twinkling begins with a T!' said the King sharply. 'Do
you take me for a dunce? Go on!'

'I'm a poor man,' the Hatter went on, 'and most things twinkled
after that - only the March Hare said - '

'I didn't!' the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry.

'You did!' said the Hatter.

'I deny it!' said the March Hare.

'He denies it,' said the King: 'leave out that part.'

'Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said - ' the Hatter went on,
looking anxiously round to see if he would deny it too: but the
Dormouse denied nothing, being fast asleep.

'After that,' continued the Hatter, 'I cut some more
bread-and-butter - '

'But what did the Dormouse say?' one of the jury asked.

'That I can't remember,' said the Hatter.

'You must remember,' remarked the King, 'or I'll have you executed.'

The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter, and
went down on one knee. 'I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' he began.

'You're a very poor speaker,' said the King.

Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed
by the officers of the court. (As that is rather a hard word, I will
just explain to you how it was done. They had a large canvas bag,
which tied up at the mouth with strings: into this they slipped the
guinea-pig, head first, and then sat upon it.)

'I'm glad I've seen that done,' thought Alice. 'I've so often read
in the newspapers, at the end of trials, "There was some attempts at
applause, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the
court," and I never understood what it meant till now.'

'If that's all you know about it, you may stand down,' continued the
King.

'I can't go no lower,' said the Hatter: 'I'm on the floor, as it
is.'

'Then you may sit down,' the King replied.

Here the other guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed.

'Come, that finished the guinea-pigs!' thought Alice. 'Now we shall
get on better.'

'I'd rather finish my tea,' said the Hatter, with an anxious look at
the Queen, who was reading the list of singers.

'You may go,' said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the
court, without even waiting to put his shoes on.

' - and just take his head off outside,' the Queen added to one of
the officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer
could get to the door.

'Call the next witness!' said the King.

The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She carried the pepper-box
in her hand, and Alice guessed who it was, even before she got into
the court, by the way the people near the door began sneezing all at
once.

'Give your evidence,' said the King.

'Shan't,' said the cook.

The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in a low
voice, 'Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness.'

'Well, if I must, I must,' the King said, with a melancholy air,
and, after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till his eyes
were nearly out of sight, he said in a deep voice, 'What are tarts
made of?'

'Pepper, mostly,' said the cook.

'Treacle,' said a sleepy voice behind her.

'Collar that Dormouse,' the Queen shrieked out. 'Behead that
Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him!
Off with his whiskers!'

For some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting the
Dormouse turned out, and, by the time they had settled down again,
the cook had disappeared.

'Never mind!' said the King, with an air of great relief. 'Call the
next witness.' And he added in an undertone to the Queen, 'Really,
my dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my
forehead ache!'

Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list, feeling
very curious to see what the next witness would be like, ' - for
they haven't got much evidence yet,' she said to herself. Imagine
her surprise, when the White Rabbit read out, at the top of his
shrill little voice, the name 'Alice!'

[shedthemonkey]

Chapter 12

CHAPTER XII: Alice's Evidence
'Here!' cried Alice, quite forgetting in the flurry of the moment
how large she had grown in the last few minutes, and she jumped up
in such a hurry that she tipped over the jury-box with the edge of
her skirt, upsetting all the jurymen on to the heads of the crowd
below, and there they lay sprawling about, reminding her very much
of a globe of goldfish she had accidentally upset the week before.

'Oh, I beg your pardon!' she exclaimed in a tone of great dismay,
and began picking them up again as quickly as she could, for the
accident of the goldfish kept running in her head, and she had a
vague sort of idea that they must be collected at once and put back
into the jury-box, or they would die.

'The trial cannot proceed,' said the King in a very grave voice,
'until all the jurymen are back in their proper places - all,' he
repeated with great emphasis, looking hard at Alice as he said do.

Alice looked at the jury-box, and saw that, in her haste, she had
put the Lizard in head downwards, and the poor little thing was
waving its tail about in a melancholy way, being quite unable to
move. She soon got it out again, and put it right; 'not that it
signifies much,' she said to herself; 'I should think it would be
quite as much use in the trial one way up as the other.'

As soon as the jury had a little recovered from the shock of being
upset, and their slates and pencils had been found and handed back
to them, they set to work very diligently to write out a history of
the accident, all except the Lizard, who seemed too much overcome to
do anything but sit with its mouth open, gazing up into the roof of
the court.

'What do you know about this business?' the King said to Alice.

'Nothing,' said Alice.

'Nothing whatever?' persisted the King.

'Nothing whatever,' said Alice.

'That's very important,' the King said, turning to the jury. They
were just beginning to write this down on their slates, when the
White Rabbit interrupted: 'Unimportant, your Majesty means, of
course,' he said in a very respectful tone, but frowning and making
faces at him as he spoke.

'Unimportant, of course, I meant,' the King hastily said, and went
on to himself in an undertone, 'important - unimportant -
unimportant - important - ' as if he were trying which word sounded
best.

Some of the jury wrote it down 'important,' and some 'unimportant.'
Alice could see this, as she was near enough to look over their
slates; 'but it doesn't matter a bit,' she thought to herself.

At this moment the King, who had been for some time busily writing
in his note-book, cackled out 'Silence!' and read out from his book,
'Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high to leave the
court.'

Everybody looked at Alice.

'I'm not a mile high,' said Alice.

'You are,' said the King.

'Nearly two miles high,' added the Queen.

'Well, I shan't go, at any rate,' said Alice: 'besides, that's not a
regular rule: you invented it just now.'

'It's the oldest rule in the book,' said the King.

'Then it ought to be Number One,' said Alice.

The King turned pale, and shut his note-book hastily. 'Consider your
verdict,' he said to the jury, in a low, trembling voice.

'There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty,' said the
White Rabbit, jumping up in a great hurry; 'this paper has just been
picked up.'

'What's in it?' said the Queen.

'I haven't opened it yet,' said the White Rabbit, 'but it seems to
be a letter, written by the prisoner to - to somebody.'

'It must have been that,' said the King, 'unless it was written to
nobody, which isn't usual, you know.'

'Who is it directed to?' said one of the jurymen.

'It isn't directed at all,' said the White Rabbit; 'in fact, there's
nothing written on the outside.' He unfolded the paper as he spoke,
and added 'It isn't a letter, after all: it's a set of verses.'

'Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?' asked another of they
jurymen.

'No, they're not,' said the White Rabbit, 'and that's the queerest
thing about it.' (The jury all looked puzzled.)

'He must have imitated somebody else's hand,' said the King. (The
jury all brightened up again.)

'Please your Majesty,' said the Knave, 'I didn't write it, and they
can't prove I did: there's no name signed at the end.'

'If you didn't sign it,' said the King, 'that only makes the matter
worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed
your name like an honest man.'

There was a general clapping of hands at this: it was the first
really clever thing the King had said that day.

'That proves his guilt,' said the Queen.

'It proves nothing of the sort!' said Alice. 'Why, you don't even
know what they're about!'

'Read them,' said the King.

The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 'Where shall I begin, please
your Majesty?' he asked.

'Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, 'and go on till you
come to the end: then stop.'

These were the verses the White Rabbit read: -

'They told me you had been to her,
And mentioned me to him:
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.

He sent them word I had not gone
(We know it to be true):
If she should push the matter on,
What would become of you?

I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.

If I or she should chance to be
Involved in this affair,
He trusts to you to set them free,
Exactly as we were.

My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.

Don't let him know she liked them best,
For this must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me.'

'That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet,' said
the King, rubbing his hands; 'so now let the jury - '

'If any one of them can explain it,' said Alice, (she had grown so
large in the last few minutes that she wasn't a bit afraid of
interrupting him,) 'I'll give him sixpence. I don't believe there's
an atom of meaning in it.'

The jury all wrote down on their slates, 'she doesn't believe
there's an atom of meaning in it,' but none of them attempted to
explain the paper.

'If there's no meaning in it,' said the King, 'that saves a world of
trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't
know,' he went on, spreading out the verses on his knee, and looking
at them with one eye; 'I seem to see some meaning in them, after
all. " - said I could not swim - " you can't swim, can you?' he
added, turning to the Knave.

The Knave shook his head sadly. 'Do I look like it?' he said. (Which
he certainly did not, being made entirely of cardboard.)

'All right, so far,' said the King, and he went on muttering over
the verses to himself: '"We know it to be true - " that's the jury,
of course - "I gave her one, they gave him two - " why, that must be
what he did with the tarts, you know - '

'But, it goes on "They all returned from him to you,"' said Alice.

'Why, there they are!' said the King triumphantly, pointing to the
tarts on the table. 'Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again -
"before she had this fit - " you never had fits, my dear, I think?'
he said to the Queen.

'Never!' said the Queen furiously, throwing an inkstand at the
Lizard as she spoke. (The unfortunate little Bill had left off
writing on his slate with one finger, as he found it made no mark;
but he now hastily began again, using the ink, that was trickling
down his face, as long as it lasted.)

'Then the words don't fit you,' said the King, looking round the
court with a smile. There was a dead silence.

'It's a pun!' the King added in an offended tone, and everybody
laughed, 'Let the jury consider their verdict,' the King said, for
about the twentieth time that day.

'No, no!' said the Queen. 'Sentence first - verdict afterwards.'

'Stuff and nonsense!' said Alice loudly. 'The idea of having the
sentence first!'

'Hold your tongue!' said the Queen, turning purple.

'I won't!' said Alice.

'Off with her head!' the Queen shouted at the top of her voice.
Nobody moved.

'Who cares for you?' said Alice, (she had grown to her full size by
this time.) 'You're nothing but a pack of cards!'

At this the whole pack rose up into the air, and came flying down
upon her: she gave a little scream, half of fright and half of
anger, and tried to beat them off, and found herself lying on the
bank, with her head in the lap of her sister, who was gently
brushing away some dead leaves that had fluttered down from the
trees upon her face.

'Wake up, Alice dear!' said her sister; 'Why, what a long sleep
you've had!'

'Oh, I've had such a curious dream!' said Alice, and she told her
sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange
Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about; and when
she had finished, her sister kissed her, and said, 'It was a curious
dream, dear, certainly: but now run in to your tea; it's getting
late.' So Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well
she might, what a wonderful dream it had been.

But her sister sat still just as she left her, leaning her head on
her hand, watching the setting sun, and thinking of little Alice and
all her wonderful Adventures, till she too began dreaming after a
fashion, and this was her dream: -

First, she dreamed of little Alice herself, and once again the tiny
hands were clasped upon her knee, and the bright eager eyes were
looking up into hers - she could hear the very tones of her voice,
and see that queer little toss of her head to keep back the
wandering hair that would always get into her eyes - and still as
she listened, or seemed to listen, the whole place around her became
alive the strange creatures of her little sister's dream.

The long grass rustled at her feet as the White Rabbit hurried by -
the frightened Mouse splashed his way through the neighbouring pool
- she could hear the rattle of the teacups as the March Hare and his
friends shared their never-ending meal, and the shrill voice of the
Queen ordering off her unfortunate guests to execution - once more
the pig-baby was sneezing on the Duchess's knee, while plates and
dishes crashed around it - once more the shriek of the Gryphon, the
squeaking of the Lizard's slate-pencil, and the choking of the
suppressed guinea-pigs, filled the air, mixed up with the distant
sobs of the miserable Mock Turtle.

So she sat on, with closed eyes, and half believed herself in
Wonderland, though she knew she had but to open them again, and all
would change to dull reality - the grass would be only rustling in
the wind, and the pool rippling to the waving of the reeds - the
rattling teacups would change to tinkling sheep-bells, and the
Queen's shrill cries to the voice of the shepherd boy - and the
sneeze of the baby, the shriek of the Gryphon, and all thy other
queer noises, would change (she knew) to the confused clamour of the
busy farm-yard - while the lowing of the cattle in the distance
would take the place of the Mock Turtle's heavy sobs.

Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers
would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she
would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart
of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little
children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange
tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how
she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in
all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy
summer days.

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER I
Looking-Glass house



One thing was certain, that the WHITE kitten had had nothing to do
with it:--it was the black kitten's fault entirely. For the white
kitten had been having its face washed by the old cat for the last
quarter of an hour (and bearing it pretty well, considering); so you
see that it COULDN'T have had any hand in the mischief.


The way Dinah washed her children's faces was this: first she held
the poor thing down by its ear with one paw, and then with the other
paw she rubbed its face all over, the wrong way, beginning at the
nose: and just now, as I said, she was hard at work on the white
kitten, which was lying quite still and trying to purr--no doubt
feeling that it was all meant for its good.


But the black kitten had been finished with earlier in the
afternoon, and so, while Alice was sitting curled up in a corner of
the great arm-chair, half talking to herself and half asleep, the
kitten had been having a grand game of romps with the ball of
worsted Alice had been trying to wind up, and had been rolling it up
and down till it had all come undone again; and there it was, spread
over the hearth-rug, all knots and tangles, with the kitten running
after its own tail in the middle.


`Oh, you wicked little thing!' cried Alice, catching up the kitten,
and giving it a little kiss to make it understand that it was in
disgrace. `Really, Dinah ought to have taught you better manners!
You OUGHT, Dinah, you know you ought!' she added, looking
reproachfully at the old cat, and speaking in as cross a voice as
she could manage--and then she scrambled back into the arm-chair,
taking the kitten and the worsted with her, and began winding up the
ball again. But she didn't get on very fast, as she was talking all
the time, sometimes to the kitten, and sometimes to herself. Kitty
sat very demurely on her knee, pretending to watch the progress of
the winding, and now and then putting out one paw and gently
touching the ball, as if it would be glad to help, if it might.


`Do you know what to-morrow is, Kitty?' Alice began. `You'd have
guessed if you'd been up in the window with me--only Dinah was
making you tidy, so you couldn't. I was watching the boys getting in
sticks for the bonfire--and it wants plenty of sticks, Kitty! Only
it got so cold, and it snowed so, they had to leave off. Never mind,
Kitty, we'll go and see the bonfire to-morrow.' Here Alice wound two
or three turns of the worsted round the kitten's neck, just to see
how it would look: this led to a scramble, in which the ball rolled
down upon the floor, and yards and yards of it got unwound again.


`Do you know, I was so angry, Kitty,' Alice went on as soon as they
were comfortably settled again, `when I saw all the mischief you had
been doing, I was very nearly opening the window, and putting you
out into the snow! And you'd have deserved it, you little
mischievous darling! What have you got to say for yourself? Now
don't interrupt me!' she went on, holding up one finger. `I'm going
to tell you all your faults. Number one: you squeaked twice while
Dinah was washing your face this morning. Now you can't deny it,
Kitty: I heard you! What that you say?' (pretending that the kitten
was speaking.) `Her paw went into your eye? Well, that's YOUR fault,
for keeping your eyes open--if you'd shut them tight up, it wouldn't
have happened. Now don't make any more excuses, but listen! Number
two: you pulled Snowdrop away by the tail just as I had put down the
saucer of milk before her! What, you were thirsty, were you?

How do you know she wasn't thirsty too? Now for number three: you
unwound every bit of the worsted while I wasn't looking!


`That's three faults, Kitty, and you've not been punished for any of
them yet. You know I'm saving up all your punishments for Wednesday
week--Suppose they had saved up all MY punishments!' she went on,
talking more to herself than the kitten. `What WOULD they do at the
end of a year? I should be sent to prison, I suppose, when the day
came. Or--let me see--suppose each punishment was to be going
without a dinner: then, when the miserable day came, I should have
to go without fifty dinners at once! Well, I shouldn't mind THAT
much! I'd far rather go without them than eat them!


`Do you hear the snow against the window-panes, Kitty? How nice and
soft it sounds! Just as if some one was kissing the window all over
outside. I wonder if the snow LOVES the trees and fields, that it
kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know,
with a white quilt; and perhaps it says, "Go to sleep, darlings,
till the summer comes again." And when they wake up in the summer,
Kitty, they dress themselves all in green, and dance about--whenever
the wind blows--oh, that's very pretty!' cried Alice, dropping the
ball of worsted to clap her hands. `And I do so WISH it was true!
I'm sure the woods look sleepy in the autumn, when the leaves are
getting brown.


`Kitty, can you play chess? Now, don't smile, my dear, I'm asking it
seriously. Because, when we were playing just now, you watched just
as if you understood it: and when I said "Check!" you purred! Well,
it WAS a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it
hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wiggling down among my
pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend--' And here I wish I could tell
you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favourite
phrase `Let's pretend.' She had had quite a long argument with her
sister only the day before --all because Alice had begun with `Let's
pretend we're kings and queens;' and her sister, who liked being
very exact, had argued that they couldn't, because there were only
two of them, and Alice had been reduced at last to say, `Well, YOU
can be one of them then, and I'LL be all the rest.' And once she had
really frightened her old nurse by shouting suddenly in her ear,
`Nurse! Do let's pretend that I'm a hungry hyaena, and you're a
bone.'


But this is taking us away from Alice's speech to the kitten. `Let's
pretend that you're the Red Queen, Kitty! Do you know, I think if
you sat up and folded your arms, you'd look exactly like her. Now do
try, there's a dear!' And Alice got the Red Queen off the table, and
set it up before the kitten as a model for it to imitate: however,
the thing didn't succeed, principally, Alice said, because the
kitten wouldn't fold its arms properly. So, to punish it, she held
it up to the Looking-glass, that it might see how sulky it was--`and
if you're not good directly,' she added, `I'll put you through into
Looking-glass House. How would you like THAT?'


`Now, if you'll only attend, Kitty, and not talk so much, I'll tell
you all my ideas about Looking-glass House. First, there's the room
you can see through the glass--that's just the same as our drawing
room, only the things go the other way. I can see all of it when I
get upon a chair--all but the bit behind the fireplace. Oh! I do so
wish I could see THAT bit! I want so much to know whether they've a
fire in the winter: you never CAN tell, you know, unless our fire
smokes, and then smoke comes up in that room too--but that may be
only pretence, just to make it look as if they had a fire. Well
then, the books are something like our books, only the words go the
wrong way; I know that, because I've held up one of our books to the
glass, and then they hold up one in the other room.


`How would you like to live in Looking-glass House, Kitty? I wonder
if they'd give you milk in there? Perhaps Looking-glass milk isn't
good to drink--But oh, Kitty! now we come to the passage. You can
just see a little PEEP of the passage in Looking-glass House, if you
leave the door of our drawing-room wide open: and it's very like our
passage as far as you can see, only you know it may be quite
different on beyond. Oh, Kitty! how nice it would be if we could
only get through into Looking- glass House! I'm sure it's got, oh!
such beautiful things in it!

Let's pretend there's a way of getting through into it, somehow,
Kitty. Let's pretend the glass has got all soft like gauze, so that
we can get through. Why, it's turning into a sort of mist now, I
declare! It'll be easy enough to get through--' She was up on the
chimney-piece while she said this, though she hardly knew how she
had got there. And certainly the glass WAS beginning to melt away,
just like a bright silvery mist.

[shedthemonkey]

In another moment Alice was through the glass, and had jumped
lightly down into the Looking-glass room. The very first thing she
did was to look whether there was a fire in the fireplace, and she
was quite pleased to find that there was a real one, blazing away as
brightly as the one she had left behind. `So I shall be as warm here
as I was in the old room,' thought Alice: `warmer, in fact, because
there'll be no one here to scold me away from the fire. Oh, what fun
it'll be, when they see me through the glass in here, and can't get
at me!'


Then she began looking about, and noticed that what could be seen
from the old room was quite common and uninteresting, but that all
the rest was a different as possible. For instance, the pictures on
the wall next the fire seemed to be all alive, and the very clock on
the chimney-piece (you know you can only see the back of it in the
Looking-glass) had got the face of a little old man, and grinned at
her.


`They don't keep this room so tidy as the other,' Alice thought to
herself, as she noticed several of the chessmen down in the hearth
among the cinders: but in another moment, with a little `Oh!' of
surprise, she was down on her hands and knees watching them. The
chessmen were walking about, two and two!


`Here are the Red King and the Red Queen,' Alice said (in a whisper,
for fear of frightening them), `and there are the White King and the
White Queen sitting on the edge of the shovel--and here are two
castles walking arm in arm--I don't think they can hear me,' she
went on, as she put her head closer down, `and I'm nearly sure they
can't see me. I feel somehow as if I were invisible--'


Here something began squeaking on the table behind Alice, and made
her turn her head just in time to see one of the White Pawns roll
over and begin kicking: she watched it with great curiosity to see
what would happen next.


`It is the voice of my child!' the White Queen cried out as she
rushed past the King, so violently that she knocked him over among
the cinders. `My precious Lily! My imperial kitten!' and she began
scrambling wildly up the side of the fender.


`Imperial fiddlestick!' said the King, rubbing his nose, which had
been hurt by the fall. He had a right to be a LITTLE annoyed with
the Queen, for he was covered with ashes from head to foot.


Alice was very anxious to be of use, and, as the poor little Lily
was nearly screaming herself into a fit, she hastily picked up the
Queen and set her on the table by the side of her noisy little
daughter.


The Queen gasped, and sat down: the rapid journey through the air
had quite taken away her breath and for a minute or two she could do
nothing but hug the little Lily in silence. As soon as she had
recovered her breath a little, she called out to the White King, who
was sitting sulkily among the ashes, `Mind the volcano!'


`What volcano?' said the King, looking up anxiously into the fire,
as if he thought that was the most likely place to find one.


`Blew--me--up,' panted the Queen, who was still a little out of
breath. `Mind you come up--the regular way--don't get blown up!'


Alice watched the White King as he slowly struggled up from bar to
bar, till at last she said, `Why, you'll be hours and hours getting
to the table, at that rate. I'd far better help you, hadn't I?' But
the King took no notice of the question: it was quite clear that he
could neither hear her nor see her.


So Alice picked him up very gently, and lifted him across more
slowly than she had lifted the Queen, that she mightn't take his
breath away: but, before she put him on the table, she thought she
might as well dust him a little, he was so covered with ashes.


She said afterwards that she had never seen in all her life such a
face as the King made, when he found himself held in the air by an
invisible hand, and being dusted: he was far too much astonished to
cry out, but his eyes and his mouth went on getting larger and
larger, and rounder and rounder, till her hand shook so with
laughing that she nearly let him drop upon the floor.


`Oh! PLEASE don't make such faces, my dear!' she cried out, quite
forgetting that the King couldn't hear her. `You make me laugh so
that I can hardly hold you! And don't keep your mouth so wide open!
All the ashes will get into it--there, now I think you're tidy
enough!' she added, as she smoothed his hair, and set him upon the
table near the Queen.


The King immediately fell flat on his back, and lay perfectly still:
and Alice was a little alarmed at what she had done, and went round
the room to see if she could find any water to throw over him.
However, she could find nothing but a bottle of ink, and when she
got back with it she found he had recovered, and he and the Queen
were talking together in a frightened whisper--so low, that Alice
could hardly hear what they said.


The King was saying, `I assure, you my dear, I turned cold to the
very ends of my whiskers!'


To which the Queen replied, `You haven't got any whiskers.'


`The horror of that moment,' the King went on, `I shall never, NEVER
forget!'


`You will, though,' the Queen said, `if you don't make a memorandum
of it.'


Alice looked on with great interest as the King took an enormous
memorandum-book out of his pocket, and began writing. A sudden
thought struck her, and she took hold of the end of the pencil,
which came some way over his shoulder, and began writing for him.


The poor King look puzzled and unhappy, and struggled with the
pencil for some time without saying anything; but Alice was too
strong for him, and at last he panted out, `My dear! I really MUST
get a thinner pencil. I can't manage this one a bit; it writes all
manner of things that I don't intend--'


`What manner of things?' said the Queen, looking over the book (in
which Alice had put `THE WHITE KNIGHT IS SLIDING DOWN THE POKER. HE
BALANCES VERY BADLY') `That's not a memorandum of YOUR feelings!'


There was a book lying near Alice on the table, and while she sat
watching the White King (for she was still a little anxious about
him, and had the ink all ready to throw over him, in case he fainted
again), she turned over the leaves, to find some part that she could
read, `--for it's all in some language I don't know,' she said to
herself.


It was like this.



YKCOWREBBAJ

sevot yhtils eht dna ,gillirb sawT` ebaw eht ni elbmig dna eryg diD
,sevogorob eht erew ysmim llA .ebargtuo shtar emom eht dnA



She puzzled over this for some time, but at last a bright thought
struck her. `Why, it's a Looking-glass book, of course! And if I
hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way again.'


This was the poem that Alice read.



JABBERWOCKY

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.

`Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that
catch! Beware the Jujub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch!'

He took his vorpal sword in hand: Long time the manxome foe he
sought-- So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood awhile in
thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of
flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it
came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through The vorpal blade went
snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing
back.

`And has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Calloh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.



`It seems very pretty,' she said when she had finished it, `but it's
RATHER hard to understand!' (You see she didn't like to confess,
ever to herself, that she couldn't make it out at all.) `Somehow it
seems to fill my head with ideas--only I don't exactly know what
they are! However, SOMEBODY killed SOMETHING: that's clear, at any
rate--'


`But oh!' thought Alice, suddenly jumping up, `if I don't make haste
I shall have to go back through the Looking-glass, before I've seen
what the rest of the house is like! Let's have a look at the garden
first!' She was out of the room in a moment, and ran down
stairs--or, at least, it wasn't exactly running, but a new invention
of hers for getting down stairs quickly and easily, as Alice said to
herself. She just kept the tips of her fingers on the hand-rail, and
floated gently down without even touching the stairs with her feet;
then she floated on through the hall, and would have gone straight
out at the door in the same way, if she hadn't caught hold of the
door-post. She was getting a little giddy with so much floating in
the air, and was rather glad to find herself walking again in the
natural way.

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER II
The Garden of Live Flowers



`I should see the garden far better,' said Alice to herself, `if I
could get to the top of that hill: and here's a path that leads
straight to it--at least, no, it doesn't do that--' (after going a
few yards along the path, and turning several sharp corners), `but I
suppose it will at last. But how curiously it twists! It's more like
a corkscrew than a path! Well, THIS turn goes to the hill, I
suppose--no, it doesn't! This goes straight back to the house! Well
then, I'll try it the other way.'


And so she did: wandering up and down, and trying turn after turn,
but always coming back to the house, do what she would. Indeed,
once, when she turned a corner rather more quickly than usual, she
ran against it before she could stop herself.


`It's no use talking about it,' Alice said, looking up at the house
and pretending it was arguing with her. `I'm NOT going in again yet.
I know I should have to get through the Looking-glass again--back
into the old room--and there'd be an end of all my adventures!'


So, resolutely turning her back upon the house, she set out once
more down the path, determined to keep straight on till she got to
the hill. For a few minutes all went on well, and she was just
saying, `I really SHALL do it this time--' when the path gave a
sudden twist and shook itself (as she described it afterwards), and
the next moment she found herself actually walking in at the door.


'Oh, it's too bad!' she cried. `I never saw such a house for getting
in the way! Never!'


However, there was the hill full in sight, so there was nothing to
be done but start again. This time she came upon a large flower-bed,
with a border of daisies, and a willow-tree growing in the middle.


`O Tiger-lily,' said Alice, addressing herself to one that was
waving gracefully about in the wind, `I WISH you could talk!'


`We CAN talk,' said the Tiger-lily: `when there's anybody worth
talking to.'


Alice was so astonished that she could not speak for a minute: it
quite seemed to take her breath away. At length, as the Tiger-lily
only went on waving about, she spoke again, in a timid voice--almost
in a whisper. `And can ALL the flowers talk?'


`As well as YOU can,' said the Tiger-lily. `And a great deal
louder.'


`It isn't manners for us to begin, you know,' said the Rose, `and I
really was wondering when you'd speak! Said I to myself, "Her face
has got SOME sense in it, thought it's not a clever one!" Still,
you're the right colour, and that goes a long way.'


`I don't care about the colour,' the Tiger-lily remarked. `If only
her petals curled up a little more, she'd be all right.'


Alice didn't like being criticised, so she began asking questions.
`Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with
nobody to take care of you?'


`There's the tree in the middle,' said the Rose: `what else is it
good for?'


`But what could it do, if any danger came?' Alice asked.


`It says "Bough-wough!" cried a Daisy: `that's why its branches are
called boughs!'


`Didn't you know THAT?' cried another Daisy, and here they all began
shouting together, till the air seemed quite full of little shrill
voices. `Silence, every one of you!' cried the Tiger- lily, waving
itself passionately from side to side, and trembling with
excitement. `They know I can't get at them!' it panted, bending its
quivering head towards Alice, `or they wouldn't dare to do it!'


`Never mind!' Alice said in a soothing tone, and stooping down to
the daisies, who were just beginning again, she whispered, `If you
don't hold your tongues, I'll pick you!'


There was silence in a moment, and several of the pink daisies
turned white.


`That's right!' said the Tiger-lily. `The daisies are worst of all.
When one speaks, they all begin together, and it's enough to make
one wither to hear the way they go on!'


`How is it you can all talk so nicely?' Alice said, hoping to get it
into a better temper by a compliment. `I've been in many gardens
before, but none of the flowers could talk.'


`Put your hand down, and feel the ground,' said the Tiger-lily.
`Then you'll know why.


Alice did so. `It's very hard,' she said, `but I don't see what that
has to do with it.'


`In most gardens,' the Tiger-lily said, `they make the beds too
soft--so that the flowers are always asleep.'


This sounded a very good reason, and Alice was quite pleased to know
it. `I never thought of that before!' she said.


`It's MY opinion that you never think AT ALL,' the Rose said in a
rather severe tone.


`I never saw anybody that looked stupider,' a Violet said, so
suddenly, that Alice quite jumped; for it hadn't spoken before.


`Hold YOUR tongue!' cried the Tiger-lily. `As if YOU ever saw
anybody! You keep your head under the leaves, and snore away there,
till you know no more what's going on in the world, than if you were
a bud!'


`Are there any more people in the garden besides me?' Alice said,
not choosing to notice the Rose's last remark.


`There's one other flower in the garden that can move about like
you,' said the Rose. `I wonder how you do it--' (`You're always
wondering,' said the Tiger-lily), `but she's more bushy than you
are.'


`Is she like me?' Alice asked eagerly, for the thought crossed her
mind, `There's another little girl in the garden, somewhere!'


`Well, she has the same awkward shape as you,' the Rose said, `but
she's redder--and her petals are shorter, I think.'


`Her petals are done up close, almost like a dahlia,' the Tiger-lily
interrupted: `not tumbled about anyhow, like yours.'


`But that's not YOUR fault,' the Rose added kindly: `you're
beginning to fade, you know--and then one can't help one's petals
getting a little untidy.'


Alice didn't like this idea at all: so, to change the subject, she
asked `Does she ever come out here?'


`I daresay you'll see her soon,' said the Rose. `She's one of the
thorny kind.'


`Where does she wear the thorns?' Alice asked with some curiosity.


`Why all round her head, of course,' the Rose replied. `I was
wondering YOU hadn't got some too. I thought it was the regular
rule.'


`She's coming!' cried the Larkspur. `I hear her footstep, thump,
thump, thump, along the gravel-walk!'


Alice looked round eagerly, and found that it was the Red Queen.
`She's grown a good deal!' was her first remark. She had indeed:
when Alice first found her in the ashes, she had been only three
inches high--and here she was, half a head taller than Alice
herself!


`It's the fresh air that does it,' said the Rose: `wonderfully fine
air it is, out here.'


`I think I'll go and meet her,' said Alice, for, though the flowers
were interesting enough, she felt that it would be far grander to
have a talk with a real Queen.


`You can't possibly do that,' said the Rose: `_I_ should advise you
to walk the other way.'


This sounded nonsense to Alice, so she said nothing, but set off at
once towards the Red Queen. To her surprise, she lost sight of her
in a moment, and found herself walking in at the front-door again.


A little provoked, she drew back, and after looking everywhere for
the queen (whom she spied out at last, a long way off), she thought
she would try the plan, this time, of walking in the opposite
direction.


It succeeded beautifully. She had not been walking a minute before
she found herself face to face with the Red Queen, and full in sight
of the hill she had been so long aiming at.


`Where do you come from?' said the Red Queen. `And where are you
going? Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers all the
time.'


Alice attended to all these directions, and explained, as well as
she could, that she had lost her way.


`I don't know what you mean by YOUR way,' said the Queen: `all the
ways about here belong to ME--but why did you come out here at all?'
she added in a kinder tone. `Curtsey while you're thinking what to
say, it saves time.'


Alice wondered a little at this, but she was too much in awe of the
Queen to disbelieve it. `I'll try it when I go home,' she thought to
herself. `the next time I'm a little late for dinner.'


`It's time for you to answer now,' the Queen said, looking at her
watch: `open your mouth a LITTLE wider when you speak, and always
say "your Majesty."'


`I only wanted to see what the garden was like, your Majesty--'


`That's right,' said the Queen, patting her on the head, which Alice
didn't like at all, `though, when you say "garden,"--I'VE seen
gardens, compared with which this would be a wilderness.'


Alice didn't dare to argue the point, but went on: `--and I thought
I'd try and find my way to the top of that hill--'


`When you say "hill,"' the Queen interrupted, `_I_ could show you
hills, in comparison with which you'd call that a valley.'


`No, I shouldn't,' said Alice, surprised into contradicting her at
last: `a hill CAN'T be a valley, you know. That would be nonsense--'



The Red Queen shook her head, `You may call it "nonsense" if you
like,' she said, `but I'VE heard nonsense, compared with which that
would be as sensible as a dictionary!'


Alice curtseyed again, as she was afraid from the Queen's tone that
she was a LITTLE offended: and they walked on in silence till they
got to the top of the little hill.


For some minutes Alice stood without speaking, looking out in all
directions over the country--and a most curious country it was.
There were a number of tiny little brooks running straight across it
from side to side, and the ground between was divided up into
squares by a number of little green hedges, that reached from brook
to brook.


`I declare it's marked out just like a large chessboard!' Alice said
at last. `There ought to be some men moving about somewhere --and so
there are!' She added in a tone of delight, and her heart began to
beat quick with excitement as she went on. `It's a great huge game
of chess that's being played--all over the world--if this IS the
world at all, you know. Oh, what fun it is! How I WISH I was one of
them! I wouldn't mind being a Pawn, if only I might join--though of
course I should LIKE to be a Queen, best.'


She glanced rather shyly at the real Queen as she said this, but her
companion only smiled pleasantly, and said, `That's easily managed.
You can be the White Queen's Pawn, if you like, as Lily's too young
to play; and you're in the Second Square to began with: when you get
to the Eighth Square you'll be a Queen --' Just at this moment,
somehow or other, they began to run.


Alice never could quite make out, in thinking it over afterwards,
how it was that they began: all she remembers is, that they were
running hand in hand, and the Queen went so fast that it was all she
could do to keep up with her: and still the Queen kept crying
`Faster! Faster!' but Alice felt she COULD NOT go faster, though she
had not breath left to say so.


The most curious part of the thing was, that the trees and the other
things round them never changed their places at all: however fast
they went, they never seemed to pass anything. `I wonder if all the
things move along with us?' thought poor puzzled Alice. And the
Queen seemed to guess her thoughts, for she cried, `Faster! Don't
try to talk!'


Not that Alice had any idea of doing THAT. She felt as if she would
never be able to talk again, she was getting so much out of breath:
and still the Queen cried `Faster! Faster!' and dragged her along.
`Are we nearly there?' Alice managed to pant out at last.


`Nearly there!' the Queen repeated. `Why, we passed it ten minutes
ago! Faster!' And they ran on for a time in silence, with the wind
whistling in Alice's ears, and almost blowing her hair off her head,
she fancied.


`Now! Now!' cried the Queen. `Faster! Faster!' And they went so fast
that at last they seemed to skim through the air, hardly touching
the ground with their feet, till suddenly, just as Alice was getting
quite exhausted, they stopped, and she found herself sitting on the
ground, breathless and giddy.


The Queen propped her up against a tree, and said kindly, `You may
rest a little now.'


Alice looked round her in great surprise. `Why, I do believe we've
been under this tree the whole time! Everything's just as it was!'


`Of course it is,' said the Queen, `what would you have it?'


`Well, in OUR country,' said Alice, still panting a little, `you'd
generally get to somewhere else--if you ran very fast for a long
time, as we've been doing.'


`A slow sort of country!' said the Queen. `Now, HERE, you see, it
takes all the running YOU can do, to keep in the same place. If you
want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as
that!'


`I'd rather not try, please!' said Alice. `I'm quite content to stay
here--only I AM so hot and thirsty!'


`I know what YOU'D like!' the Queen said good-naturedly, taking a
little box out of her pocket. `Have a biscuit?'


Alice thought it would not be civil to say `No,' though it wasn't at
all what she wanted. So she took it, and ate it as well as she
could: and it was VERY dry; and she thought she had never been so
nearly choked in all her life.


`While you're refreshing yourself,' said the Queen, `I'll just take
the measurements.' And she took a ribbon out of her pocket, marked
in inches, and began measuring the ground, and sticking little pegs
in here and there.


`At the end of two yards,' she said, putting in a peg to mark the
distance, `I shall give you your directions--have another biscuit?'


`No, thank you,' said Alice,: `one's QUITE enough!'


`Thirst quenched, I hope?' said the Queen.


Alice did not know what to say to this, but luckily the Queen did
not wait for an answer, but went on. `At the end of THREE yards I
shall repeat them--for fear of your forgetting them. At then end of
FOUR, I shall say good-bye. And at then end of FIVE, I shall go!'


She had got all the pegs put in by this time, and Alice looked on
with great interest as she returned to the tree, and then began
slowly walking down the row.


At the two-yard peg she faced round, and said, `A pawn goes two
squares in its first move, you know. So you'll go VERY quickly
through the Third Square--by railway, I should think--and you'll
find yourself in the Fourth Square in no time. Well, THAT square
belongs to Tweedledum and Tweedledee--the Fifth is mostly water--the
Sixth belongs to Humpty Dumpty--But you make no remark?'


`I--I didn't know I had to make one--just then,' Alice faltered out.



`You SHOULD have said,' `"It's extremely kind of you to tell me all
this"--however, we'll suppose it said--the Seventh Square is all
forest--however, one of the Knights will show you the way--and in
the Eighth Square we shall be Queens together, and it's all feasting
and fun!' Alice got up and curtseyed, and sat down again.


At the next peg the Queen turned again, and this time she said,
`Speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing
--turn out your toes as you walk--and remember who you are!' She did
not wait for Alice to curtsey this time, but walked on quickly to
the next peg, where she turned for a moment to say `good-bye,' and
then hurried on to the last.


How it happened, Alice never knew, but exactly as she came to the
last peg, she was gone. Whether she vanished into the air, or
whether she ran quickly into the wood (`and she CAN run very fast!'
thought Alice), there was no way of guessing, but she was gone, and
Alice began to remember that she was a Pawn, and that it would soon
be time for her to move.

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER III
Looking-Glass Insects



Of course the first thing to do was to make a grand survey of the
country she was going to travel through. `It's something very like
learning geography,' thought Alice, as she stood on tiptoe in hopes
of being able to see a little further. `Principal rivers--there ARE
none. Principal mountains--I'm on the only one, but I don't think
it's got any name. Principal towns--why, what ARE those creatures,
making honey down there? They can't be bees--nobody ever saw bees a
mile off, you know--' and for some time she stood silent, watching
one of them that was bustling about among the flowers, poking its
proboscis into them, `just as if it was a regular bee,' thought
Alice.


However, this was anything but a regular bee: in fact it was an
elephant--as Alice soon found out, though the idea quite took her
breath away at first. `And what enormous flowers they must be!' was
her next idea. `Something like cottages with the roofs taken off,
and stalks put to them--and what quantities of honey they must make!
I think I'll go down and--no, I won't JUST yet, ' she went on,
checking herself just as she was beginning to run down the hill, and
trying to find some excuse for turning shy so suddenly. `It'll never
do to go down among them without a good long branch to brush them
away--and what fun it'll be when they ask me how I like my walk. I
shall say-- "Oh, I like it well enough--"' (here came the favourite
little toss of the head), `"only it was so dusty and hot, and the
elephants did tease so!"'


`I think I'll go down the other way,' she said after a pause: `and
perhaps I may visit the elephants later on. Besides, I do so want to
get into the Third Square!'


So with this excuse she ran down the hill and jumped over the first
of the six little brooks.


*





*


`Tickets, please!' said the Guard, putting his head in at the
window. In a moment everybody was holding out a ticket: they were
about the same size as the people, and quite seemed to fill the
carriage.


`Now then! Show your ticket, child!' the Guard went on, looking
angrily at Alice. And a great many voices all said together (`like
the chorus of a song,' thought Alice), `Don't keep him waiting,
child! Why, his time is worth a thousand pounds a minute!'


`I'm afraid I haven't got one,' Alice said in a frightened tone:
`there wasn't a ticket-office where I came from.' And again the
chorus of voices went on. `There wasn't room for one where she came
from. The land there is worth a thousand pounds an inch!'


`Don't make excuses,' said the Guard: `you should have bought one
from the engine-driver.' And once more the chorus of voices went on
with `The man that drives the engine. Why, the smoke alone is worth
a thousand pounds a puff!'


Alice thought to herself, `Then there's no use in speaking.' The
voices didn't join in this time, as she hadn't spoken, but to her
great surprise, they all THOUGHT in chorus (I hope you understand
what THINKING IN CHORUS means--for I must confess that I don't),
`Better say nothing at all. Language is worth a thousand pounds a
word!'


`I shall dream about a thousand pounds tonight, I know I shall!'
thought Alice.


All this time the Guard was looking at her, first through a
telescope, then through a microscope, and then through an opera-
glass. At last he said, `You're travelling the wrong way,' and shut
up the window and went away.


`So young a child,' said the gentleman sitting opposite to her (he
was dressed in white paper), `ought to know which way she's going,
even if she doesn't know her own name!'


A Goat, that was sitting next to the gentleman in white, shut his
eyes and said in a loud voice, `She ought to know her way to the
ticket-office, even if she doesn't know her alphabet!'


There was a Beetle sitting next to the Goat (it was a very queer
carriage-full of passengers altogether), and, as the rule seemed to
be that they should all speak in turn, HE went on with `She'll have
to go back from here as luggage!'


Alice couldn't see who was sitting beyond the Beetle, but a hoarse
voice spoke next. `Change engines--' it said, and was obliged to
leave off.


`It sounds like a horse,' Alice thought to herself. And an extremely
small voice, close to her ear, said, `You might make a joke on
that--something about "horse" and "hoarse," you know.'


Then a very gentle voice in the distance said, `She must be labelled
"Lass, with care," you know--'


And after that other voices went on (What a number of people there
are in the carriage!' thought Alice), saying, `She must go by post,
as she's got a head on her--' `She must be sent as a message by the
telegraph--' `She must draw the train herself the rest of the way--'
and so on.


But the gentleman dressed in white paper leaned forwards and
whispered in her ear, `Never mind what they all say, my dear, but
take a return-ticket every time the train stops.'


`Indeed I shan't!' Alice said rather impatiently. `I don't belong to
this railway journey at all--I was in a wood just now --and I wish I
could get back there.'


`You might make a joke on THAT,' said the little voice close to her
ear: `something about "you WOULD if you could," you know.'


`Don't tease so,' said Alice, looking about in vain to see where the
voice came from; `if you're so anxious to have a joke made, why
don't you make one yourself?'


The little voice sighed deeply: it was VERY unhappy, evidently, and
Alice would have said something pitying to comfort it, `If it would
only sigh like other people!' she thought. But this was such a
wonderfully small sigh, that she wouldn't have heard it at all, if
it hadn't come QUITE close to her ear. The consequence of this was
that it tickled her ear very much, and quite took off her thoughts
from the unhappiness of the poor little creature.


`I know you are a friend, the little voice went on; `a dear friend,
and an old friend. And you won't hurt me, though I AM an insect.'


`What kind of insect?' Alice inquired a little anxiously. What she
really wanted to know was, whether it could sting or not, but she
thought this wouldn't be quite a civil question to ask.


`What, then you don't--' the little voice began, when it was drowned
by a shrill scream from the engine, and everybody jumped up in
alarm, Alice among the rest.


The Horse, who had put his head out of the window, quietly drew it
in and said, `It's only a brook we have to jump over.' Everybody
seemed satisfied with this, though Alice felt a little nervous at
the idea of trains jumping at all. `However, it'll take us into the
Fourth Square, that's some comfort!' she said to herself. In another
moment she felt the carriage rise straight up into the air, and in
her fright she caught at the thing nearest to her hand. which
happened to be the Goat's beard.


*





*


But the beard seemed to melt away as she touched it, and she found
herself sitting quietly under a tree--while the Gnat (for that was
the insect she had been talking to) was balancing itself on a twig
just over her head, and fanning her with its wings.


It certainly was a VERY large Gnat: `about the size of a chicken,'
Alice thought. Still, she couldn't feel nervous with it, after they
had been talking together so long.


`--then you don't like all insects?' the Gnat went on, as quietly as
if nothing had happened.


`I like them when they can talk,' Alice said. `None of them ever
talk, where I come from.'


`What sort of insects do you rejoice in, where YOU come from?' the
Gnat inquired.


`I don't REJOICE in insects at all,' Alice explained, `because I'm
rather afraid of them--at least the large kinds. But I can tell you
the names of some of them.'


`Of course they answer to their names?' the Gnat remarked
carelessly.


`I never knew them do it.'


`What's the use of their having names the Gnat said, `if they won't
answer to them?'


`No use to THEM,' said Alice; `but it's useful to the people who
name them, I suppose. If not, why do things have names at all?'


`I can't say,' the Gnat replied. `Further on, in the wood down
there, they've got no names--however, go on with your list of
insects: you're wasting time.'


`Well, there's the Horse-fly,' Alice began, counting off the names
on her fingers.


`All right,' said the Gnat: `half way up that bush, you'll see a
Rocking-horse-fly, if you look. It's made entirely of wood, and gets
about by swinging itself from branch to branch.'


`What does it live on?' Alice asked, with great curiosity.


`Sap and sawdust,' said the Gnat. `Go on with the list.'


Alice looked up at the Rocking-horse-fly with great interest, and
made up her mind that it must have been just repainted, it looked so
bright and sticky; and then she went on.


`And there's the Dragon-fly.'


`Look on the branch above your head,' said the Gnat, `and there
you'll find a snap-dragon-fly. Its body is made of plum-pudding, its
wings of holly-leaves, and its head is a raisin burning in brandy.'


`And what does it live on?'


`Frumenty and mince pie,' the Gnat replied; `and it makes its nest
in a Christmas box.'


`And then there's the Butterfly,' Alice went on, after she had taken
a good look at the insect with its head on fire, and had thought to
herself, `I wonder if that's the reason insects are so fond of
flying into candles--because they want to turn into
Snap-dragon-flies!'


`Crawling at your feet,' said the Gnat (Alice drew her feet back in
some alarm), `you may observe a Bread-and-Butterfly. Its wings are
thin slices of Bread-and-butter, its body is a crust, and its head
is a lump of sugar.'


`And what does IT live on?'


`Weak tea with cream in it.'


A new difficulty came into Alice's head. `Supposing it couldn't find
any?' she suggested.


`Then it would die, of course.'


`But that must happen very often,' Alice remarked thoughtfully.


`It always happens,' said the Gnat.


After this, Alice was silent for a minute or two, pondering. The
Gnat amused itself meanwhile by humming round and round her head: at
last it settled again and remarked, `I suppose you don't want to
lose your name?'


`No, indeed,' Alice said, a little anxiously.


`And yet I don't know,' the Gnat went on in a careless tone: `only
think how convenient it would be if you could manage to go home
without it! For instance, if the governess wanted to call you to
your lessons, she would call out "come here--," and there she would
have to leave off, because there wouldn't be any name for her to
call, and of course you wouldn't have to go, you know.'


`That would never do, I'm sure,' said Alice: `the governess would
never think of excusing me lessons for that. If she couldn't
remember my name, she'd call me "Miss!" as the servants do.'


`Well. if she said "Miss," and didn't say anything more,' the Gnat
remarked, `of course you'd miss your lessons. That's a joke. I wish
YOU had made it.'


`Why do you wish I had made it?' Alice asked. `It's a very bad one.'



But the Gnat only sighed deeply, while two large tears came rolling
down its cheeks.


`You shouldn't make jokes,' Alice said, `if it makes you so
unhappy.'


Then came another of those melancholy little sighs, and this time
the poor Gnat really seemed to have sighed itself away, for, when
Alice looked up, there was nothing whatever to be seen on the twig,
and, as she was getting quite chilly with sitting still so long, she
got up and walked on.


She very soon came to an open field, with a wood on the other side
of it: it looked much darker than the last wood, and Alice felt a
LITTLE timid about going into it. However, on second thoughts, she
made up her mind to go on: `for I certainly won't go BACK,' she
thought to herself, and this was the only way to the Eighth Square.


`This must be the wood, she said thoughtfully to herself, `where
things have no names. I wonder what'll become of MY name when I go
in? I shouldn't like to lose it at all--because they'd have to give
me another, and it would be almost certain to be an ugly one. But
then the fun would be trying to find the creature that had got my
old name! That's just like the advertisements, you know, when people
lose dogs--"ANSWERS TO THE NAME OF `DASH:' HAD ON A BRASS
COLLAR"--just fancy calling everything you met "Alice," till one of
them answered! Only they wouldn't answer at all, if they were wise.'



She was rambling on in this way when she reached the wood: it looked
very cool and shady. `Well, at any rate it's a great comfort,' she
said as she stepped under the trees, `after being so hot, to get
into the--into WHAT?' she went on, rather surprised at not being
able to think of the word. `I mean to get under the--under
the--under THIS, you know!' putting her hand on the trunk of the
tree. `What DOES it call itself, I wonder? I do believe it's got no
name--why, to be sure it hasn't!'


She stood silent for a minute, thinking: then she suddenly began
again. `Then it really HAS happened, after all! And now, who am I? I
WILL remember, if I can! I'm determined to do it!' But being
determined didn't help much, and all she could say, after a great
deal of puzzling, was, `L, I KNOW it begins with L!'


Just then a Fawn came wandering by: it looked at Alice with its
large gentle eyes, but didn't seem at all frightened. `Here then!
Here then!' Alice said, as she held out her hand and tried to stroke
it; but it only started back a little, and then stood looking at her
again.


`What do you call yourself?' the Fawn said at last. Such a soft
sweet voice it had!


`I wish I knew!' thought poor Alice. She answered, rather sadly,
`Nothing, just now.'


`Think again,' it said: `that won't do.'


Alice thought, but nothing came of it. `Please, would you tell me
what YOU call yourself?' she said timidly. `I think that might help
a little.'


`I'll tell you, if you'll move a little further on,' the Fawn said.
`I can't remember here.'


So they walked on together though the wood, Alice with her arms
clasped lovingly round the soft neck of the Fawn, till they came out
into another open field, and here the Fawn gave a sudden bound into
the air, and shook itself free from Alice's arms. `I'm a Fawn!' it
cried out in a voice of delight, `and, dear me! you're a human
child!' A sudden look of alarm came into its beautiful brown eyes,
and in another moment it had darted away at full speed.


Alice stood looking after it, almost ready to cry with vexation at
having lost her dear little fellow-traveller so suddenly. `However,
I know my name now.' she said, `that's SOME comfort. Alice--Alice--I
won't forget it again. And now, which of these finger-posts ought I
to follow, I wonder?'


It was not a very difficult question to answer, as there was only
one road through the wood, and the two finger-posts both pointed
along it. `I'll settle it,' Alice said to herself, `when the road
divides and they point different ways.'


But this did not seem likely to happen. She went on and on, a long
way, but wherever the road divided there were sure to be two
finger-posts pointing the same way, one marked `TO TWEEDLEDUM'S
HOUSE' and the other `TO THE HOUSE OF TWEEDLEDEE.'


`I do believe,' said Alice at last, `that they live in the same
house! I wonder I never thought of that before--But I can't stay
there long. I'll just call and say "how d'you do?" and ask them the
way out of the wood. If I could only get to the Eighth Square before
it gets dark!' So she wandered on, talking to herself as she went,
till, on turning a sharp corner, she came upon two fat little men,
so suddenly that she could not help starting back, but in another
moment she recovered herself, feeling sure that they must be

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER IV
TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE



They were standing under a tree, each with an arm round the other's
neck, and Alice knew which was which in a moment, because one of
them had `DUM' embroidered on his collar, and the other `DEE.' `I
suppose they've each got "TWEEDLE" round at the back of the collar,'
she said to herself.


They stood so still that she quite forgot they were alive, and she
was just looking round to see if the word "TWEEDLE" was written at
the back of each collar, when she was startled by a voice coming
from the one marked `DUM.'


`If you think we're wax-works,' he said, `you ought to pay, you
know. Wax-works weren't made to be looked at for nothing, nohow!'


`Contrariwise,' added the one marked `DEE,' `if you think we're
alive, you ought to speak.'


`I'm sure I'm very sorry,' was all Alice could say; for the words of
the old song kept ringing through her head like the ticking of a
clock, and she could hardly help saying them out loud:--



`Tweedledum and Tweedledee Agreed to have a battle; For Tweedledum
said Tweedledee Had spoiled his nice new rattle.

Just then flew down a monstrous crow, As black as a tar-barrel;
Which frightened both the heroes so, They quite forgot their
quarrel.'


`I know what you're thinking about,' said Tweedledum: `but it isn't
so, nohow.'


`Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, `if it was so, it might be;
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
logic.'


`I was thinking,' Alice said very politely, `which is the best way
out of this wood: it's getting so dark. Would you tell me, please?'


But the little men only looked at each other and grinned.


They looked so exactly like a couple of great schoolboys, that Alice
couldn't help pointing her finger at Tweedledum, and saying `First
Boy!'


`Nohow!' Tweedledum cried out briskly, and shut his mouth up again
with a snap.


`Next Boy!' said Alice, passing on to Tweedledee, though she felt
quite certain he would only shout out `Contrariwise!' and so he did.



`You've been wrong!' cried Tweedledum. `The first thing in a visit
is to say "How d'ye do?" and shake hands!' And here the two brothers
gave each other a hug, and then they held out the two hands that
were free, to shake hands with her.


Alice did not like shaking hands with either of them first, for fear
of hurting the other one's feelings; so, as the best way out of the
difficulty, she took hold of both hands at once: the next moment
they were dancing round in a ring. This seemed quite natural (she
remembered afterwards), and she was not even surprised to hear music
playing: it seemed to come from the tree under which they were
dancing, and it was done (as well as she could make it out) by the
branches rubbing one across the other, like fiddles and
fiddle-sticks.


`But it certainly WAS funny,' (Alice said afterwards, when she was
telling her sister the history of all this,) `to find myself singing
"HERE WE GO ROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH." I don't know when I began it,
but somehow I felt as if I'd been singing it a long long time!'


The other two dancers were fat, and very soon out of breath. `Four
times round is enough for one dance,' Tweedledum panted out, and
they left off dancing as suddenly as they had begun: the music
stopped at the same moment.


Then they let go of Alice's hands, and stood looking at her for a
minute: there was a rather awkward pause, as Alice didn't know how
to begin a conversation with people she had just been dancing with.
`It would never do to say "How d'ye do?" NOW,' she said to herself:
`we seem to have got beyond that, somehow!'


`I hope you're not much tired?' she said at last.


`Nohow. And thank you VERY much for asking,' said Tweedledum.


`So much obliged!' added Tweedledee. `You like poetry?'


`Ye-es. pretty well--SOME poetry,' Alice said doubtfully. `Would you
tell me which road leads out of the wood?'


`What shall I repeat to her?' said Tweedledee, looking round at
Tweedledum with great solemn eyes, and not noticing Alice's
question.


`"THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER" is the longest,' Tweedledum replied,
giving his brother an affectionate hug.


Tweedledee began instantly:

`The sun was shining--'



Here Alice ventured to interrupt him. `If it's VERY long,' she said,
as politely as she could, `would you please tell me first which
road--'


Tweedledee smiled gently, and began again:

`The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did
his very best to make The billows smooth and bright-- And this was
odd, because it was The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily, Because she thought the sun Had got no
business to be there After the day was done-- "It's very rude of
him," she said, "To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be, The sands were dry as dry. You
could not see a cloud, because No cloud was in the sky: No birds
were flying over head-- There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter Were walking close at hand; They wept
like anything to see Such quantities of sand: "If this were only
cleared away," They said, "it WOULD be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops Swept it for half a year, Do you
suppose," the Walrus said, "That they could get it clear?" "I doubt
it," said the Carpenter, And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!" The Walrus did beseech. "A
pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, Along the briny beach: We cannot do
with more than four, To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him. But never a word he said: The
eldest Oyster winked his eye, And shook his heavy head-- Meaning to
say he did not choose To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young oysters hurried up, All eager for the treat: Their
coats were brushed, their faces washed, Their shoes were clean and
neat-- And this was odd, because, you know, They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them, And yet another four; And thick
and fast they came at last, And more, and more, and more-- All
hopping through the frothy waves, And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter Walked on a mile or so, And then they
rested on a rock Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of
shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages--and kings-- And why
the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, "Before we have our chat; For
some of us are out of breath, And all of us are fat!" "No hurry!"
said the Carpenter. They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, "Is what we chiefly need: Pepper
and vinegar besides Are very good indeed-- Now if you're ready
Oysters dear, We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried, Turning a little blue, "After
such kindness, that would be A dismal thing to do!" "The night is
fine," the Walrus said "Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come! And you are very nice!" The
Carpenter said nothing but "Cut us another slice: I wish you were
not quite so deaf-- I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said, "To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far, And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but "The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said. "I deeply sympathize." With sobs
and tears he sorted out Those of the largest size. Holding his
pocket handkerchief Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter. "You've had a pleasant run! Shall
we be trotting home again?" But answer came there none-- And that
was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one.'


`I like the Walrus best,' said Alice: `because you see he was a
LITTLE sorry for the poor oysters.'


`He ate more than the Carpenter, though,' said Tweedledee. `You see
he held his handkerchief in front, so that the Carpenter couldn't
count how many he took: contrariwise.'


`That was mean!' Alice said indignantly. `Then I like the Carpenter
best--if he didn't eat so many as the Walrus.'


`But he ate as many as he could get,' said Tweedledum.


This was a puzzler. After a pause, Alice began, `Well! They were
BOTH very unpleasant characters--' Here she checked herself in some
alarm, at hearing something that sounded to her like the puffing of
a large steam-engine in the wood near them, though she feared it was
more likely to be a wild beast. `Are there any lions or tigers about
here?' she asked timidly.

[shedthemonkey]

`It's only the Red King snoring,' said Tweedledee.


`Come and look at him!' the brothers cried, and they each took one
of Alice's hands, and led her up to where the King was sleeping.


`Isn't he a LOVELY sight?' said Tweedledum.


Alice couldn't say honestly that he was. He had a tall red night-cap
on, with a tassel, and he was lying crumpled up into a sort of
untidy heap, and snoring loud--`fit to snore his head off!' as
Tweedledum remarked.


`I'm afraid he'll catch cold with lying on the damp grass,' said
Alice, who was a very thoughtful little girl.


`He's dreaming now,' said Tweedledee: `and what do you think he's
dreaming about?'


Alice said `Nobody can guess that.'


`Why, about YOU!' Tweedledee exclaimed, clapping his hands
triumphantly. `And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you
suppose you'd be?'


`Where I am now, of course,' said Alice.


`Not you!' Tweedledee retorted contemptuously. `You'd be nowhere.
Why, you're only a sort of thing in his dream!'


`If that there King was to wake,' added Tweedledum, `you'd go
out--bang!--just like a candle!'


`I shouldn't!' Alice exclaimed indignantly. `Besides, if I'M only a
sort of thing in his dream, what are YOU, I should like to know?'


`Ditto' said Tweedledum.


`Ditto, ditto' cried Tweedledee.


He shouted this so loud that Alice couldn't help saying, `Hush!
You'll be waking him, I'm afraid, if you make so much noise.'


`Well, it no use YOUR talking about waking him,' said Tweedledum,
`when you're only one of the things in his dream. You know very well
you're not real.'


`I AM real!' said Alice and began to cry.


`You won't make yourself a bit realler by crying,' Tweedledee
remarked: `there's nothing to cry about.'


`If I wasn't real,' Alice said--half-laughing though her tears, it
all seemed so ridiculous--`I shouldn't be able to cry.'


`I hope you don't suppose those are real tears?' Tweedledum
interrupted in a tone of great contempt.


`I know they're talking nonsense,' Alice thought to herself: `and
it's foolish to cry about it.' So she brushed away her tears, and
went on as cheerfully as she could. `At any rate I'd better be
getting out of the wood, for really it's coming on very dark. Do you
think it's going to rain?'


Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother, and
looked up into it. `No, I don't think it is,' he said: `at
least--not under HERE. Nohow.'


`But it may rain OUTSIDE?'


`It may--if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: `we've no objection.
Contrariwise.'


`Selfish things!' thought Alice, and she was just going to say
`Good-night' and leave them, when Tweedledum sprang out from under
the umbrella and seized her by the wrist.


`Do you see THAT?' he said, in a voice choking with passion, and his
eyes grew large and yellow all in a moment, as he pointed with a
trembling finger at a small white thing lying under the tree.


`It's only a rattle,' Alice said, after a careful examination of the
little white thing. `Not a rattleSNAKE, you know,' she added
hastily, thinking that he was frightened: only an old rattle--quite
old and broken.'


`I knew it was!' cried Tweedledum, beginning to stamp about wildly
and tear his hair. `It's spoilt, of course!' Here he looked at
Tweedledee, who immediately sat down on the ground, and tried to
hide himself under the umbrella.


Alice laid her hand upon his arm, and said in a soothing tone, `You
needn't be so angry about an old rattle.'


`But it isn't old!' Tweedledum cried, in a greater fury than ever.
`It's new, I tell you--I bought it yesterday--my nice New RATTLE!'
and his voice rose to a perfect scream.


All this time Tweedledee was trying his best to fold up the
umbrella, with himself in it: which was such an extraordinary thing
to do, that it quite took off Alice's attention from the angry
brother. But he couldn't quite succeed, and it ended in his rolling
over, bundled up in the umbrella, with only his head out: and there
he lay, opening and shutting his mouth and his large eyes--'looking
more like a fish than anything else,' Alice thought.


`Of course you agree to have a battle?' Tweedledum said in a calmer
tone.


`I suppose so,' the other sulkily replied, as he crawled out of the
umbrella: `only SHE must help us to dress up, you know.'


So the two brothers went off hand-in-hand into the wood, and
returned in a minute with their arms full of things--such as
bolsters, blankets, hearth-rugs, table-cloths, dish-covers and
coal-scuttles. `I hope you're a good hand at pinning and tying
strings?' Tweedledum remarked. `Every one of these things has got to
go on, somehow or other.'


Alice said afterwards she had never seen such a fuss made about
anything in all her life--the way those two bustled about-- and the
quantity of things they put on--and the trouble they gave her in
tying strings and fastening buttons--`Really they'll be more like
bundles of old clothes that anything else, by the time they're
ready!' she said to herself, as she arranged a bolster round the
neck of Tweedledee, `to keep his head from being cut off,' as he
said.


`You know,' he added very gravely, `it's one of the most serious
things that can possibly happen to one in a battle--to get one's
head cut off.'


Alice laughed aloud: but she managed to turn it into a cough, for
fear of hurting his feelings.


`Do I look very pale?' said Tweedledum, coming up to have his helmet
tied on. (He CALLED it a helmet, though it certainly looked much
more like a saucepan.)


`Well--yes--a LITTLE,' Alice replied gently.


`I'm very brave generally,' he went on in a low voice: `only to-day
I happen to have a headache.'


`And I'VE got a toothache!' said Tweedledee, who had overheard the
remark. `I'm far worse off than you!'


`Then you'd better not fight to-day,' said Alice, thinking it a good
opportunity to make peace.


`We MUST have a bit of a fight, but I don't care about going on
long,' said Tweedledum. `What's the time now?'


Tweedledee looked at his watch, and said `Half-past four.'


`Let's fight till six, and then have dinner,' said Tweedledum.


`Very well,' the other said, rather sadly: `and SHE can watch
us--only you'd better not come VERY close,' he added: `I generally
hit everything I can see--when I get really excited.'


`And I hit everything within reach,' cried Tweedledum, `whether I
can see it or not!'


Alice laughed. `You must hit the TREES pretty often, I should
think,' she said.


Tweedledum looked round him with a satisfied smile. `I don't
suppose,' he said, `there'll be a tree left standing, for ever so
far round, by the time we've finished!'


`And all about a rattle!' said Alice, still hoping to make them a
LITTLE ashamed of fighting for such a trifle.


`I shouldn't have minded it so much,' said Tweedledum, `if it hadn't
been a new one.'


`I wish the monstrous crow would come!' though Alice.


`There's only one sword, you know,' Tweedledum said to his brother:
`but you can have the umbrella--it's quite as sharp. Only we must
begin quick. It's getting as dark as it can.'


`And darker.' said Tweedledee.


It was getting dark so suddenly that Alice thought there must be a
thunderstorm coming on. `What a thick black cloud that is!' she
said. `And how fast it comes! Why, I do believe it's got wings!'


`It's the crow!' Tweedledum cried out in a shrill voice of alarm:
and the two brothers took to their heels and were out of sight in a
moment.


Alice ran a little way into the wood, and stopped under a large
tree. `It can never get at me HERE,' she thought: `it's far too
large to squeeze itself in among the trees. But I wish it wouldn't
flap its wings so--it makes quite a hurricane in the wood-- here's
somebody's shawl being blown away!'

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER V
Wool and Water



She caught the shawl as she spoke, and looked about for the owner:
in another moment the White Queen came running wildly through the
wood, with both arms stretched out wide, as if she were flying, and
Alice very civilly went to meet her with the shawl.


`I'm very glad I happened to be in the way,' Alice said, as she
helped her to put on her shawl again.


The White Queen only looked at her in a helpless frightened sort of
way, and kept repeating something in a whisper to herself that
sounded like `bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter,' and Alice felt
that if there was to be any conversation at all, she must manage it
herself. So she began rather timidly: `Am I addressing the White
Queen?'


`Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing,' The Queen said. `It isn't
MY notion of the thing, at all.'


Alice thought it would never do to have an argument at the very
beginning of their conversation, so she smiled and said, `If your
Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it as well
as I can.'


`But I don't want it done at all!' groaned the poor Queen. `I've
been a-dressing myself for the last two hours.'


It would have been all the better, as it seemed to Alice, if she had
got some one else to dress her, she was so dreadfully untidy. `Every
single thing's crooked,' Alice thought to herself, `and she's all
over pins!--may I put your shawl straight for you?' she added aloud.



`I don't know what's the matter with it!' the Queen said, in a
melancholy voice. `It's out of temper, I think. I've pinned it here,
and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it!'


`It CAN'T go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side,'
Alice said, as she gently put it right for her; `and, dear me, what
a state your hair is in!'


`The brush has got entangled in it!' the Queen said with a sigh.
`And I lost the comb yesterday.'


Alice carefully released the brush, and did her best to get the hair
into order. `Come, you look rather better now!' she said, after
altering most of the pins. `But really you should have a lady's
maid!'


`I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure!' the Queen said. `Twopence a
week, and jam every other day.'


Alice couldn't help laughing, as she said, `I don't want you to hire
ME--and I don't care for jam.'


`It's very good jam,' said the Queen.


`Well, I don't want any TO-DAY, at any rate.'


`You couldn't have it if you DID want it,' the Queen said. `The rule
is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday--but never jam to-day.'


`It MUST come sometimes to "jam to-day,"' Alice objected.


`No, it can't,' said the Queen. `It's jam every OTHER day: to-day
isn't any OTHER day, you know.'


`I don't understand you,' said Alice. `It's dreadfully confusing!'


`That's the effect of living backwards,' the Queen said kindly: `it
always makes one a little giddy at first--'


`Living backwards!' Alice repeated in great astonishment. `I never
heard of such a thing!'


`--but there's one great advantage in it, that one's memory works
both ways.'


`I'm sure MINE only works one way.' Alice remarked. `I can't
remember things before they happen.'


`It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,' the Queen
remarked.


`What sort of things do YOU remember best?' Alice ventured to ask.


`Oh, things that happened the week after next,' the Queen replied in
a careless tone. `For instance, now,' she went on, sticking a large
piece of plaster [band-aid] on her finger as she spoke, `there's the
King's Messenger. He's in prison now, being punished: and the trial
doesn't even begin till next Wednesday: and of course the crime
comes last of all.'


`Suppose he never commits the crime?' said Alice.


`That would be all the better, wouldn't it?' the Queen said, as she
bound the plaster round her finger with a bit of ribbon.


Alice felt there was no denying THAT. `Of course it would be all the
better,' she said: `but it wouldn't be all the better his being
punished.'


`You're wrong THERE, at any rate,' said the Queen: `were YOU ever
punished?'


`Only for faults,' said Alice.


`And you were all the better for it, I know!' the Queen said
triumphantly.


`Yes, but then I HAD done the things I was punished for,' said
Alice: `that makes all the difference.'


`But if you HADN'T done them,' the Queen said, `that would have been
better still; better, and better, and better!' Her voice went higher
with each `better,' till it got quite to a squeak at last.


Alice was just beginning to say `There's a mistake somewhere--,'
when the Queen began screaming so loud that she had to leave the
sentence unfinished. `Oh, oh, oh!' shouted the Queen, shaking her
hand about as if she wanted to shake it off. `My finger's bleeding!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!'


Her screams were so exactly like the whistle of a steam-engine, that
Alice had to hold both her hands over her ears.


`What IS the matter?' she said, as soon as there was a chance of
making herself heard. `Have you pricked your finger?'


`I haven't pricked it YET,' the Queen said, `but I soon shall-- oh,
oh, oh!'


`When do you expect to do it?' Alice asked, feeling very much
inclined to laugh.


`When I fasten my shawl again,' the poor Queen groaned out: `the
brooch will come undone directly. Oh, oh!' As she said the words the
brooch flew open, and the Queen clutched wildly at it, and tried to
clasp it again.


`Take care!' cried Alice. `You're holding it all crooked!' And she
caught at the brooch; but it was too late: the pin had slipped, and
the Queen had pricked her finger.


`That accounts for the bleeding, you see,' she said to Alice with a
smile. `Now you understand the way things happen here.'


`But why don't you scream now?' Alice asked, holding her hands ready
to put over her ears again.


`Why, I've done all the screaming already,' said the Queen. `What
would be the good of having it all over again?'


By this time it was getting light. `The crow must have flown away, I
think,' said Alice: `I'm so glad it's gone. I thought it was the
night coming on.'


`I wish I could manage to be glad!' the Queen said. `Only I never
can remember the rule. You must be very happy, living in this wood,
and being glad whenever you like!'


`Only it is so VERY lonely here!' Alice said in a melancholy voice;
and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears came rolling
down her cheeks.


`Oh, don't go on like that!' cried the poor Queen, wringing her
hands in despair. `Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what
a long way you've come to-day. Consider what o'clock it is. Consider
anything, only don't cry!'


Alice could not help laughing at this, even in the midst of her
tears. `Can YOU keep from crying by considering things?' she asked.


`That's the way it's done,' the Queen said with great decision:
`nobody can do two things at once, you know. Let's consider your age
to begin with--how old are you?'


`I'm seven and a half exactly.'


`You needn't say "exactually,"' the Queen remarked: `I can believe
it without that. Now I'll give YOU something to believe. I'm just
one hundred and one, five months and a day.'


`I can't believe THAT!' said Alice.


`Can't you?' the Queen said in a pitying tone. `Try again: draw a
long breath, and shut your eyes.'


Alice laughed. `There's no use trying,' she said: `one CAN'T believe
impossible things.'


`I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. `When I
was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes
I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
There goes the shawl again!'


The brooch had come undone as she spoke, and a sudden gust of wind
blew the Queen's shawl across a little brook. The Queen spread out
her arms again, and went flying after it, and this time she
succeeded in catching it for herself. `I've got it!' she cried in a
triumphant tone. `Now you shall see me pin it on again, all by
myself!'


`Then I hope your finger is better now?' Alice said very politely,
as she crossed the little brook after the Queen.


*





*


`Oh, much better!' cried the Queen, her voice rising to a squeak as
she went on. `Much be-etter! Be-etter! Be-e-e-etter! Be-e-ehh!' The
last word ended in a long bleat, so like a sheep that Alice quite
started.

[shedthemonkey]

She looked at the Queen, who seemed to have suddenly wrapped herself
up in wool. Alice rubbed her eyes, and looked again. She couldn't
make out what had happened at all. Was she in a shop? And was that
really--was it really a SHEEP that was sitting on the other side of
the counter? Rub as she could, she could make nothing more of it:
she was in a little dark shop, leaning with her elbows on the
counter, and opposite to her was an old Sheep, sitting in an
arm-chair knitting, and every now and then leaving off to look at
her through a great pair of spectacles.


`What is it you want to buy?' the Sheep said at last, looking up for
a moment from her knitting.


`I don't QUITE know yet,' Alice said, very gently. `I should like to
look all round me first, if I might.'


`You may look in front of you, and on both sides, if you like,' said
the Sheep: `but you can't look ALL round you--unless you've got eyes
at the back of your head.'


But these, as it happened, Alice had NOT got: so she contented
herself with turning round, looking at the shelves as she came to
them.


The shop seemed to be full of all manner of curious things-- but the
oddest part of it all was, that whenever she looked hard at any
shelf, to make out exactly what it had on it, that particular shelf
was always quite empty: though the others round it were crowded as
full as they could hold.


`Things flow about so here!' she said at last in a plaintive tone,
after she had spent a minute or so in vainly pursuing a large bright
thing, that looked sometimes like a doll and sometimes like a
work-box, and was always in the shelf next above the one she was
looking at. `And this one is the most provoking of all--but I'll
tell you what--' she added, as a sudden thought struck her, `I'll
follow it up to the very top shelf of all. It'll puzzle it to go
through the ceiling, I expect!'


But even this plan failed: the `thing' went through the ceiling as
quietly as possible, as if it were quite used to it.


`Are you a child or a teetotum?' the Sheep said, as she took up
another pair of needles. `You'll make me giddy soon, if you go on
turning round like that.' She was now working with fourteen pairs at
once, and Alice couldn't help looking at her in great astonishment.


`How CAN she knit with so many?' the puzzled child thought to
herself. `She gets more and more like a porcupine every minute!'


`Can you row?' the Sheep asked, handing her a pair of knitting-
needles as she spoke.


`Yes, a little--but not on land--and not with needles--' Alice was
beginning to say, when suddenly the needles turned into oars in her
hands, and she found they were in a little boat, gliding along
between banks: so there was nothing for it but to do her best.


`Feather!' cried the Sheep, as she took up another pair of needles.


This didn't sound like a remark that needed any answer, so Alice
said nothing, but pulled away. There was something very queer about
the water, she thought, as every now and then the oars got fast in
it, and would hardly come out again.


`Feather! Feather!' the Sheep cried again, taking more needles.
`You'll be catching a crab directly.'


`A dear little crab!' thought Alice. `I should like that.'


`Didn't you hear me say "Feather"?' the Sheep cried angrily, taking
up quite a bunch of needles.


`Indeed I did,' said Alice: `you've said it very often--and very
loud. Please, where ARE the crabs?'


`In the water, of course!' said the Sheep, sticking some of the
needles into her hair, as her hands were full. `Feather, I say!'


`WHY do you say "feather" so often?' Alice asked at last, rather
vexed. 'I'm not a bird!'


`You are,' said the Sheet: `you're a little goose.'


This offended Alice a little, so there was no more conversation for
a minute or two, while the boat glided gently on, sometimes among
beds of weeds (which made the oars stick fast in the water, worse
then ever), and sometimes under trees, but always with the same tall
river-banks frowning over their heads.


`Oh, please! There are some scented rushes!' Alice cried in a sudden
transport of delight. `There really are--and SUCH beauties!'


`You needn't say "please" to ME about `em' the Sheep said, without
looking up from her knitting: `I didn't put `em there, and I'm not
going to take `em away.'


`No, but I meant--please, may we wait and pick some?' Alice pleaded.
`If you don't mind stopping the boat for a minute.'


`How am I to stop it?' said the Sheep. `If you leave off rowing,
it'll stop of itself.'


So the boat was left to drift down the stream as it would, till it
glided gently in among the waving rushes. And then the little
sleeves were carefully rolled up, and the little arms were plunged
in elbow-deep to get the rushes a good long way down before breaking
them off--and for a while Alice forgot all about the Sheep and the
knitting, as she bent over the side of the boat, with just the ends
of her tangled hair dipping into the water--while with bright eager
eyes she caught at one bunch after another of the darling scented
rushes.


`I only hope the boat won't tipple over!' she said to herself. Oh,
WHAT a lovely one! Only I couldn't quite reach it.' `And it
certainly DID seem a little provoking (`almost as if it happened on
purpose,' she thought) that, though she managed to pick plenty of
beautiful rushes as the boat glided by, there was always a more
lovely one that she couldn't reach.


`The prettiest are always further!' she said at last, with a sigh at
the obstinacy of the rushes in growing so far off, as, with flushed
cheeks and dripping hair and hands, she scrambled back into her
place, and began to arrange her new-found treasures.


What mattered it to her just than that the rushes had begun to fade,
and to lose all their scent and beauty, from the very moment that
she picked them? Even real scented rushes, you know, last only a
very little while--and these, being dream-rushes, melted away almost
like snow, as they lay in heaps at her feet-- but Alice hardly
noticed this, there were so many other curious things to think
about.


They hadn't gone much farther before the blade of one of the oars
got fast in the water and WOULDN'T come out again (so Alice
explained it afterwards), and the consequence was that the handle of
it caught her under the chin, and, in spite of a series of little
shrieks of `Oh, oh, oh!' from poor Alice, it swept her straight off
the seat, and down among the heap of rushes.


However, she wasn't hurt, and was soon up again: the Sheep went on
with her knitting all the while, just as if nothing had happened.
`That was a nice crab you caught!' she remarked, as Alice got back
into her place, very much relieved to find herself still in the
boat.


`Was it? I didn't see it,' Said Alice, peeping cautiously over the
side of the boat into the dark water. `I wish it hadn't let go--I
should so like to see a little crab to take home with me!' But the
Sheep only laughed scornfully, and went on with her knitting.


`Are there many crabs here?' said Alice.


`Crabs, and all sorts of things,' said the Sheep: `plenty of choice,
only make up your mind. Now, what DO you want to buy?'


`To buy!' Alice echoed in a tone that was half astonished and half
frightened--for the oars, and the boat, and the river, had vanished
all in a moment, and she was back again in the little dark shop.


`I should like to buy an egg, please,' she said timidly. `How do you
sell them?'


`Fivepence farthing for one--Twopence for two,' the Sheep replied.


`Then two are cheaper than one?' Alice said in a surprised tone,
taking out her purse.


`Only you MUST eat them both, if you buy two,' said the Sheep.


`Then I'll have ONE, please,' said Alice, as she put the money down
on the counter. For she thought to herself, `They mightn't be at all
nice, you know.'


The Sheep took the money, and put it away in a box: then she said `I
never put things into people's hands--that would never do--you must
get it for yourself.' And so saying, she went off to the other end
of the shop, and set the egg upright on a shelf.


`I wonder WHY it wouldn't do?' thought Alice, as she groped her way
among the tables and chairs, for the shop was very dark towards the
end. `The egg seems to get further away the more I walk towards it.
Let me see, is this a chair? Why, it's got branches, I declare! How
very odd to find trees growing here! And actually here's a little
brook! Well, this is the very queerest shop I ever saw!'


*





*



So she went on, wondering more and more at every step, as everything
turned into a tree the moment she came up to it, and she quite
expected the egg to do the same.

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER VI
Humpty Dumpty



However, the egg only got larger and larger, and more and more
human: when she had come within a few yards of it, she saw that it
had eyes and a nose and mouth; and when she had come close to it,
she saw clearly that it was HUMPTY DUMPTY himself. `It can't be
anybody else!' she said to herself. `I'm as certain of it, as if his
name were written all over his face.'


It might have been written a hundred times, easily, on that enormous
face. Humpty Dumpty was sitting with his legs crossed, like a Turk,
on the top of a high wall--such a narrow one that Alice quite
wondered how he could keep his balance--and, as his eyes were
steadily fixed in the opposite direction, and he didn't take the
least notice of her, she thought he must be a stuffed figure after
all.


`And how exactly like an egg he is!' she said aloud, standing with
her hands ready to catch him, for she was every moment expecting him
to fall.


`It's VERY provoking,' Humpty Dumpty said after a long silence,
looking away from Alice as he spoke, `to be called an egg-- VERY!'


`I said you LOOKED like an egg, Sir,' Alice gently explained. `And
some eggs are very pretty, you know' she added, hoping to turn her
remark into a sort of a compliment.


`Some people,' said Humpty Dumpty, looking away from her as usual,
`have no more sense than a baby!'


Alice didn't know what to say to this: it wasn't at all like
conversation, she thought, as he never said anything to HER; in
fact, his last remark was evidently addressed to a tree--so she
stood and softly repeated to herself: --



`Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall: Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All
the King's horses and all the King's men Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty
in his place again.'



`That last line is much too long for the poetry,' she added, almost
out loud, forgetting that Humpty Dumpty would hear her.


`Don't stand there chattering to yourself like that,' Humpty Dumpty
said, looking at her for the first time, `but tell me your name and
your business.'


`My NAME is Alice, but--'


`It's a stupid enough name!' Humpty Dumpty interrupted impatiently.
`What does it mean?'


`MUST a name mean something?' Alice asked doubtfully.


`Of course it must,' Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh: `MY name
means the shape I am--and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a
name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.'


`Why do you sit out here all alone?' said Alice, not wishing to
begin an argument.


`Why, because there's nobody with me!' cried Humpty Dumpty. `Did you
think I didn't know the answer to THAT? Ask another.'


`Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground?' Alice went on,
not with any idea of making another riddle, but simply in her
good-natured anxiety for the queer creature. `That wall is so VERY
narrow!'


`What tremendously easy riddles you ask!' Humpty Dumpty growled out.
`Of course I don't think so! Why, if ever I DID fall off-- which
there's no chance of--but IF I did--' Here he pursed his lips and
looked so solemn and grand that Alice could hardly help laughing.
`IF I did fall,' he went on, `THE KING HAS PROMISED ME--WITH HIS
VERY OWN MOUTH--to--to--'


`To send all his horses and all his men,' Alice interrupted, rather
unwisely.


`Now I declare that's too bad!' Humpty Dumpty cried, breaking into a
sudden passion. `You've been listening at doors--and behind trees--
and down chimneys--or you couldn't have known it!'


`I haven't, indeed!' Alice said very gently. `It's in a book.'


`Ah, well! They may write such things in a BOOK,' Humpty Dumpty said
in a calmer tone. `That's what you call a History of England, that
is. Now, take a good look at me! I'm one that has spoken to a King,
I am: mayhap you'll never see such another: and to show you I'm not
proud, you may shake hands with me!' And he grinned almost from ear
to ear, as he leant forwards (and as nearly as possible fell of the
wall in doing so) and offered Alice his hand. She watched him a
little anxiously as she took it. `If he smiled much more, the ends
of his mouth might meet behind,' she thought: `and then I don't know
what would happen to his head! I'm afraid it would come off!'


`Yes, all his horses and all his men,' Humpty Dumpty went on.
`They'd pick me up again in a minute, THEY would! However, this
conversation is going on a little too fast: let's go back to the
last remark but one.'


`I'm afraid I can't quite remember it,' Alice said very politely.


`In that case we start fresh,' said Humpty Dumpty, `and it's my turn
to choose a subject--' (`He talks about it just as if it was a
game!' thought Alice.) `So here's a question for you. How old did
you say you were?'


Alice made a short calculation, and said `Seven years and six
months.'


`Wrong!' Humpty Dumpty exclaimed triumphantly. `You never said a
word like it!'


`I though you meant "How old ARE you?"' Alice explained.


`If I'd meant that, I'd have said it,' said Humpty Dumpty.


Alice didn't want to begin another argument, so she said nothing.


`Seven years and six months!' Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
`An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd
have said "Leave off at seven"--but it's too late now.'


`I never ask advice about growing,' Alice said indignantly.


`Too proud?' the other inquired.


Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. `I mean,' she
said, `that one can't help growing older.'


`ONE can't, perhaps,' said Humpty Dumpty, `but TWO can. With proper
assistance, you might have left off at seven.'


`What a beautiful belt you've got on!' Alice suddenly remarked.

(They had had quite enough of the subject of age, she thought: and
if they really were to take turns in choosing subjects, it was her
turn now.) `At least,' she corrected herself on second thoughts, `a
beautiful cravat, I should have said--no, a belt, I mean--I beg your
pardon!' she added in dismay, for Humpty Dumpty looked thoroughly
offended, and she began to wish she hadn't chosen that subject. `If
I only knew,' the thought to herself, 'which was neck and which was
waist!'


Evidently Humpty Dumpty was very angry, though he said nothing for a
minute or two. When he DID speak again, it was in a deep growl.


`It is a--MOST--PROVOKING--thing,' he said at last, `when a person
doesn't know a cravat from a belt!'


`I know it's very ignorant of me,' Alice said, in so humble a tone
that Humpty Dumpty relented.


`It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It's a
present from the White King and Queen. There now!'


`Is it really?' said Alice, quite pleased to find that she HAD
chosen a good subject, after all.


`They gave it me,' Humpty Dumpty continued thoughtfully, as he
crossed one knee over the other and clasped his hands round it,
`they gave it me--for an un-birthday present.'


`I beg your pardon?' Alice said with a puzzled air.


`I'm not offended,' said Humpty Dumpty.


`I mean, what IS an un-birthday present?'


`A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course.'


Alice considered a little. `I like birthday presents best,' she said
at last.


`You don't know what you're talking about!' cried Humpty Dumpty.
`How many days are there in a year?'


`Three hundred and sixty-five,' said Alice.


`And how many birthdays have you?'


`One.'


`And if you take one from three hundred and sixty-five, what
remains?'


`Three hundred and sixty-four, of course.'


Humpty Dumpty looked doubtful. `I'd rather see that done on paper,'
he said.


Alice couldn't help smiling as she took out her memorandum- book,
and worked the sum for him:



365 1


364



Humpty Dumpty took the book, and looked at it carefully. `That seems
to be done right--' he began.


`You're holding it upside down!' Alice interrupted.


`To be sure I was!' Humpty Dumpty said gaily, as she turned it round
for him. `I thought it looked a little queer. As I was saying, that
SEEMS to be done right--though I haven't time to look it over
thoroughly just now--and that shows that there are three hundred and
sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents--'


`Certainly,' said Alice.


`And only ONE for birthday presents, you know. There's glory for
you!'


`I don't know what you mean by "glory,"' Alice said.


Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. `Of course you don't-- till I
tell you. I meant "there's a nice knock-down argument for you!"'


`But "glory" doesn't mean "a nice knock-down argument,"' Alice
objected.


`When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone,
`it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less.'


`The question is,' said Alice, `whether you CAN make words mean so
many different things.'


`The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, `which is to be master--
that's all.'

[shedthemonkey]

Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minute Humpty
Dumpty began again. `They've a temper, some of them-- particularly
verbs, they're the proudest--adjectives you can do anything with,
but not verbs--however, I can manage the whole lot of them!
Impenetrability! That's what I say!'


`Would you tell me, please,' said Alice `what that means?'


`Now you talk like a reasonable child,' said Humpty Dumpty, looking
very much pleased. `I meant by "impenetrability" that we've had
enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you'd
mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to
stop here all the rest of your life.'


`That's a great deal to make one word mean,' Alice said in a
thoughtful tone.


`When I make a word do a lot of work like that,' said Humpty Dumpty,
`I always pay it extra.'


`Oh!' said Alice. She was too much puzzled to make any other remark.



`Ah, you should see 'em come round me of a Saturday night,' Humpty
Dumpty went on, wagging his head gravely from side to side: `for to
get their wages, you know.'


(Alice didn't venture to ask what he paid them with; and so you see
I can't tell YOU.)


`You seem very clever at explaining words, Sir,' said Alice. `Would
you kindly tell me the meaning of the poem called "Jabberwocky"?'


`Let's hear it,' said Humpty Dumpty. `I can explain all the poems
that were ever invented--and a good many that haven't been invented
just yet.'


This sounded very hopeful, so Alice repeated the first verse:

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.


`That's enough to begin with,' Humpty Dumpty interrupted: `there are
plenty of hard words there. "BRILLIG" means four o'clock in the
afternoon--the time when you begin BROILING things for dinner.'


`That'll do very well,' said Alice: and "SLITHY"?'


`Well, "SLITHY" means "lithe and slimy." "Lithe" is the same as
"active." You see it's like a portmanteau--there are two meanings
packed up into one word.'


`I see it now,' Alice remarked thoughtfully: `and what are "TOVES"?'



`Well, "TOVES" are something like badgers--they're something like
lizards--and they're something like corkscrews.'


`They must be very curious looking creatures.'


`They are that,' said Humpty Dumpty: `also they make their nests
under sun-dials--also they live on cheese.'


`Andy what's the "GYRE" and to "GIMBLE"?'


`To "GYRE" is to go round and round like a gyroscope. To "GIMBLE" is
to make holes like a gimlet.'


`And "THE WABE" is the grass-plot round a sun-dial, I suppose?' said
Alice, surprised at her own ingenuity.


`Of course it is. It's called "WABE," you know, because it goes a
long way before it, and a long way behind it--'


`And a long way beyond it on each side,' Alice added.


`Exactly so. Well, then, "MIMSY" is "flimsy and miserable" (there's
another portmanteau for you). And a "BOROGOVE" is a thin
shabby-looking bird with its feathers sticking out all round--
something like a live mop.'


`And then "MOME RATHS"?' said Alice. `I'm afraid I'm giving you a
great deal of trouble.'


`Well, a "RATH" is a sort of green pig: but "MOME" I'm not certain
about. I think it's short for "from home"--meaning that they'd lost
their way, you know.'


`And what does "OUTGRABE" mean?'


`Well, "OUTGRABING" is something between bellowing and whistling,
with a kind of sneeze in the middle: however, you'll hear it done,
maybe--down in the wood yonder--and when you've once heard it you'll
be QUITE content. Who's been repeating all that hard stuff to you?'


`I read it in a book,' said Alice. `But I had some poetry repeated
to me, much easier than that, by--Tweedledee, I think it was.'


`As to poetry, you know,' said Humpty Dumpty, stretching out one of
his great hands, `_I_ can repeat poetry as well as other folk, if it
comes to that--'


`Oh, it needn't come to that!' Alice hastily said, hoping to keep
him from beginning.


`The piece I'm going to repeat,' he went on without noticing her
remark,' was written entirely for your amusement.'


Alice felt that in that case she really OUGHT to listen to it, so
she sat down, and said `Thank you' rather sadly.



`In winter, when the fields are white, I sing this song for your
delight--



only I don't sing it,' he added, as an explanation.


`I see you don't,' said Alice.


`If you can SEE whether I'm singing or not, you've sharper eyes than
most.' Humpty Dumpty remarked severely. Alice was silent.



`In spring, when woods are getting green, I'll try and tell you what
I mean.'



`Thank you very much,' said Alice.



`In summer, when the days are long, Perhaps you'll understand the
song: In autumn, when the leaves are brown, Take pen and ink, and
write it down.'



`I will, if I can remember it so long,' said Alice.


`You needn't go on making remarks like that,' Humpty Dumpty said:
`they're not sensible, and they put me out.'

`I sent a message to the fish: I told them "This is what I wish."

The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me.

The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, Sir, because--"'



`I'm afraid I don't quite understand,' said Alice.


`It gets easier further on,' Humpty Dumpty replied.



`I sent to them again to say "It will be better to obey."

The fishes answered with a grin, "Why, what a temper you are in!"

I told them once, I told them twice: They would not listen to
advice.

I took a kettle large and new, Fit for the deed I had to do.

My heart went hop, my heart went thump; I filled the kettle at the
pump.

Then some one came to me and said, "The little fishes are in bed."

I said to him, I said it plain, "Then you must wake them up again."

I said it very loud and clear; I went and shouted in his ear.'



Humpty Dumpty raised his voice almost to a scream as he repeated
this verse, and Alice thought with a shudder, `I wouldn't have been
the messenger for ANYTHING!'



`But he was very stiff and proud; He said "You needn't shout so
loud!"

And he was very proud and stiff; He said "I'd go and wake them,
if--"

I took a corkscrew from the shelf: I went to wake them up myself.

And when I found the door was locked, I pulled and pushed and kicked
and knocked.

And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle,
but--'



There was a long pause.


`Is that all?' Alice timidly asked.


`That's all,' said Humpty Dumpty. `Good-bye.'


This was rather sudden, Alice thought: but, after such a VERY strong
hint that she ought to be going, she felt that it would hardly be
civil to stay. So she got up, and held out her hand. `Good-bye, till
we meet again!' she said as cheerfully as she could.


`I shouldn't know you again if we DID meet,' Humpty Dumpty replied
in a discontented tone, giving her one of his fingers to shake;
`you're so exactly like other people.'


`The face is what one goes by, generally,' Alice remarked in a
thoughtful tone.


`That's just what I complain of,' said Humpty Dumpty. `Your face is
the same as everybody has--the two eyes, so--' (marking their places
in the air with this thumb) `nose in the middle, mouth under. It's
always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the
nose, for instance--or the mouth at the top--that would be SOME
help.'


`It wouldn't look nice,' Alice objected. But Humpty Dumpty only shut
his eyes and said `Wait till you've tried.'


Alice waited a minute to see if he would speak again, but as he
never opened his eyes or took any further notice of her, she said
`Good-bye!' once more, and, getting no answer to this, she quietly
walked away: but she couldn't help saying to herself as she went,
`Of all the unsatisfactory--' (she repeated this aloud, as it was a
great comfort to have such a long word to say) `of all the
unsatisfactory people I EVER met--' She never finished the sentence,
for at this moment a heavy crash shook the forest from end to end.

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER VII
The Lion and the Unicorn



The next moment soldiers came running through the wood, at first in
twos and threes, then ten or twenty together, and at last in such
crowds that they seemed to fill the whole forest. Alice got behind a
tree, for fear of being run over, and watched them go by.


She thought that in all her life she had never seen soldiers so
uncertain on their feet: they were always tripping over something or
other, and whenever one went down, several more always fell over
him, so that the ground was soon covered with little heaps of men.


Then came the horses. Having four feet, these managed rather better
than the foot-soldiers: but even THEY stumbled now and then; and it
seemed to be a regular rule that, whenever a horse stumbled the
rider fell off instantly. The confusion got worse every moment, and
Alice was very glad to get out of the wood into an open place, where
she found the White King seated on the ground, busily writing in his
memorandum-book.


`I've sent them all!' the King cried in a tone of delight, on seeing
Alice. `Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came
through the wood?'


`Yes, I did,' said Alice: `several thousand, I should think.'


`Four thousand two hundred and seven, that's the exact number,' the
King said, referring to his book. `I couldn't send all the horses,
you know, because two of them are wanted in the game. And I haven't
sent the two Messengers, either. They're both gone to the town. Just
look along the road, and tell me if you can see either of them.'


`I see nobody on the road,' said Alice.


`I only wish I had such eyes,' the King remarked in a fretful tone.
`To be able to see Nobody! And at that distance, too! Why, it's as
much as I can do to see real people, by this light!'


All this was lost on Alice, who was still looking intently along the
road, shading her eyes with one hand. `I see somebody now!' she
exclaimed at last. `But he's coming very slowly--and what curious
attitudes he goes into!' (For the messenger kept skipping up and
down, and wriggling like an eel, as he came along, with his great
hands spread out like fans on each side.)


`Not at all,' said the King. `He's an Anglo-Saxon Messenger-- and
those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he's happy.
His name is Haigha.' (He pronounced it so as to rhyme with `mayor.')



`I love my love with an H,' Alice couldn't help beginning, `because
he is Happy. I hate him with an H, because he is Hideous. I fed him
with--with--with Ham-sandwiches and Hay. His name is Haigha, and he
lives--'


`He lives on the Hill,' the King remarked simply, without the least
idea that he was joining in the game, while Alice was still
hesitating for the name of a town beginning with H. `The other
Messenger's called Hatta. I must have TWO, you know--to come and go.
Once to come, and one to go.'


`I beg your pardon?' said Alice.


`It isn't respectable to beg,' said the King.


`I only meant that I didn't understand,' said Alice. `Why one to
come and one to go?'


`Didn't I tell you?' the King repeated impatiently. `I must have
Two--to fetch and carry. One to fetch, and one to carry.'


At this moment the Messenger arrived: he was far too much out of
breath to say a word, and could only wave his hands about, and make
the most fearful faces at the poor King.


`This young lady loves you with an H,' the King said, introducing
Alice in the hope of turning off the Messenger's attention from
himself--but it was no use--the Anglo-Saxon attitudes only got more
extraordinary every moment, while the great eyes rolled wildly from
side to side.


`You alarm me!' said the King. `I feel faint--Give me a ham
sandwich!'


On which the Messenger, to Alice's great amusement, opened a bag
that hung round his neck, and handed a sandwich to the King, who
devoured it greedily.


`Another sandwich!' said the King.


`There's nothing but hay left now,' the Messenger said, peeping into
the bag.


`Hay, then,' the King murmured in a faint whisper.


Alice was glad to see that it revived him a good deal. `There's
nothing like eating hay when you're faint,' he remarked to her, as
he munched away.


`I should think throwing cold water over you would be better,' Alice
suggested: `or some sal-volatile.'


`I didn't say there was nothing BETTER,' the King replied. `I said
there was nothing LIKE it.' Which Alice did not venture to deny.


`Who did you pass on the road?' the King went on, holding out his
hand to the Messenger for some more hay.


`Nobody,' said the Messenger.


`Quite right,' said the King: `this young lady saw him too. So of
course Nobody walks slower than you.'


`I do my best,' the Messenger said in a sulky tone. `I'm sure nobody
walks much faster than I do!'


`He can't do that,' said the King, `or else he'd have been here
first. However, now you've got your breath, you may tell us what's
happened in the town.'


`I'll whisper it,' said the Messenger, putting his hands to his
mouth in the shape of a trumpet, and stooping so as to get close to
the King's ear. Alice was sorry for this, as she wanted to hear the
news too. However, instead of whispering, he simply shouted at the
top of his voice `They're at it again!'


`Do you call THAT a whisper?' cried the poor King, jumping up and
shaking himself. `If you do such a thing again, I'll have you
buttered! It went through and through my head like an earthquake!'


`It would have to be a very tiny earthquake!' thought Alice. `Who
are at it again?' she ventured to ask.


`Why the Lion and the Unicorn, of course,' said the King.


`Fighting for the crown?'


`Yes, to be sure,' said the King: `and the best of the joke is, that
it's MY crown all the while! Let's run and see them.' And they
trotted off, Alice repeating to herself, as she ran, the words of
the old song:--



`The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown: The Lion beat
the Unicorn all round the town. Some gave them white bread, some
gave them brown; Some gave them plum-cake and drummed them out of
town.'



`Does--the one--that wins--get the crown?' she asked, as well as she
could, for the run was putting her quite out of breath.


`Dear me, no!' said the King. `What an idea!'


`Would you--be good enough,' Alice panted out, after running a
little further, `to stop a minute--just to get--one's breath again?'



`I'm GOOD enough,' the King said, `only I'm not strong enough. You
see, a minute goes by so fearfully quick. You might as well try to
stop a Bandersnatch!'


Alice had no more breath for talking, so they trotted on in silence,
till they came in sight of a great crowd, in the middle of which the
Lion and Unicorn were fighting. They were in such a cloud of dust,
that at first Alice could not make out which was which: but she soon
managed to distinguish the Unicorn by his horn.


They placed themselves close to where Hatta, the other messenger,
was standing watching the fight, with a cup of tea in one hand and a
piece of bread-and-butter in the other.


`He's only just out of prison, and he hadn't finished his tea when
he was sent in,' Haigha whispered to Alice: `and they only give them
oyster-shells in there--so you see he's very hungry and thirsty. How
are you, dear child?' he went on, putting his arm affectionately
round Hatta's neck.


Hatta looked round and nodded, and went on with his bread and
butter.


`Were you happy in prison, dear child?' said Haigha.


Hatta looked round once more, and this time a tear or two trickled
down his cheek: but not a word would he say.


`Speak, can't you!' Haigha cried impatiently. But Hatta only munched
away, and drank some more tea.


`Speak, won't you!' cried the King. 'How are they getting on with
the fight?'


Hatta made a desperate effort, and swallowed a large piece of
bread-and-butter. `They're getting on very well,' he said in a
choking voice: `each of them has been down about eighty-seven
times.'


`Then I suppose they'll soon bring the white bread and the brown?'
Alice ventured to remark.


`It's waiting for 'em now,' said Hatta: `this is a bit of it as I'm
eating.'


There was a pause in the fight just then, and the Lion and the
Unicorn sat down, panting, while the King called out `Ten minutes
allowed for refreshments!' Haigha and Hatta set to work at once,
carrying rough trays of white and brown bread. Alice took a piece to
taste, but it was VERY dry.


`I don't think they'll fight any more to-day,' the King said to
Hatta: `go and order the drums to begin.' And Hatta went bounding
away like a grasshopper.


For a minute or two Alice stood silent, watching him. Suddenly she
brightened up. `Look, look!' she cried, pointing eagerly. `There's
the White Queen running across the country! She came flying out of
the wood over yonder--How fast those Queens CAN run!'


`There's some enemy after her, no doubt,' the King said, without
even looking round. `That wood's full of them.'


`But aren't you going to run and help her?' Alice asked, very much
surprised at his taking it so quietly.


`No use, no use!' said the King. `She runs so fearfully quick. You
might as well try to catch a Bandersnatch! But I'll make a
memorandum about her, if you like--She's a dear good creature,' he
repeated softly to himself, as he opened his memorandum-book. `Do
you spell "creature" with a double "e"?'


At this moment the Unicorn sauntered by them, with his hands in his
pockets. `I had the best of it this time?' he said to the King, just
glancing at him as he passed.


`A little--a little,' the King replied, rather nervously. `You
shouldn't have run him through with your horn, you know.'


`It didn't hurt him,' the Unicorn said carelessly, and he was going
on, when his eye happened to fall upon Alice: he turned round rather
instantly, and stood for some time looking at her with an air of the
deepest disgust.


`What--is--this?' he said at last.


`This is a child!' Haigha replied eagerly, coming in front of Alice
to introduce her, and spreading out both his hands towards her in an
Anglo-Saxon attitude. `We only found it to-day. It's as large as
life, and twice as natural!'


`I always thought they were fabulous monsters!' said the Unicorn.
`Is it alive?'


`It can talk,' said Haigha, solemnly.


The Unicorn looked dreamily at Alice, and said `Talk, child.'


Alice could not help her lips curling up into a smile as she began:
`Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too!
I never saw one alive before!'


`Well, now that we HAVE seen each other,' said the Unicorn, `if
you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain?'


`Yes, if you like,' said Alice.


`Come, fetch out the plum-cake, old man!' the Unicorn went on,
turning from her to the King. `None of your brown bread for me!'


`Certainly--certainly!' the King muttered, and beckoned to Haigha.
`Open the bag!' he whispered. `Quick! Not that one-- that's full of
hay!'


Haigha took a large cake out of the bag, and gave it to Alice to
hold, while he got out a dish and carving-knife. How they all came
out of it Alice couldn't guess. It was just like a conjuring-trick,
she thought.


The Lion had joined them while this was going on: he looked very
tired and sleepy, and his eyes were half shut. `What's this!' he
said, blinking lazily at Alice, and speaking in a deep hollow tone
that sounded like the tolling of a great bell.


`Ah, what IS it, now?' the Unicorn cried eagerly. `You'll never
guess! I couldn't.'


The Lion looked at Alice wearily. `Are you animal--vegetable --or
mineral?' he said, yawning at every other word.


`It's a fabulous monster!' the Unicorn cried out, before Alice could
reply.


`Then hand round the plum-cake, Monster,' the Lion said, lying down
and putting his chin on this paws. `And sit down, both of you,' (to
the King and the Unicorn): `fair play with the cake, you know!'


The King was evidently very uncomfortable at having to sit down
between the two great creatures; but there was no other place for
him.


`What a fight we might have for the crown, NOW!' the Unicorn said,
looking slyly up at the crown, which the poor King was nearly
shaking off his head, he trembled so much.


`I should win easy,' said the Lion.


`I'm not so sure of that,' said the Unicorn.


`Why, I beat you all round the town, you chicken!' the Lion replied
angrily, half getting up as he spoke.


Here the King interrupted, to prevent the quarrel going on: he was
very nervous, and his voice quite quivered. `All round the town?' he
said. `That's a good long way. Did you go by the old bridge, or the
market-place? You get the best view by the old bridge.'


`I'm sure I don't know,' the Lion growled out as he lay down again.
`There was too much dust to see anything. What a time the Monster
is, cutting up that cake!'


Alice had seated herself on the bank of a little brook, with the
great dish on her knees, and was sawing away diligently with the
knife. `It's very provoking!' she said, in reply to the Lion (she
was getting quite used to being called `the Monster'). `I've cut
several slices already, but they always join on again!'


`You don't know how to manage Looking-glass cakes,' the Unicorn
remarked. `Hand it round first, and cut it afterwards.'


This sounded nonsense, but Alice very obediently got up, and carried
the dish round, and the cake divided itself into three pieces as she
did so. `NOW cut it up,' said the Lion, as she returned to her place
with the empty dish.


`I say, this isn't fair!' cried the Unicorn, as Alice sat with the
knife in her hand, very much puzzled how to begin. `The Monster has
given the Lion twice as much as me!'


`She's kept none for herself, anyhow,' said the Lion. `Do you like
plum-cake, Monster?'


But before Alice could answer him, the drums began.


Where the noise came from, she couldn't make out: the air seemed
full of it, and it rang through and through her head till she felt
quite deafened. She started to her feet and sprang across the little
brook in her terror,


*





*

and had just time to see the Lion and the Unicorn rise to their
feet, with angry looks at being interrupted in their feast, before
she dropped to her knees, and put her hands over her ears, vainly
trying to shut out the dreadful uproar.


`If THAT doesn't "drum them out of town,"' she thought to herself,
'nothing ever will!'

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER VIII
`It's my own Invention'



After a while the noise seemed gradually to die away, till all was
dead silence, and Alice lifted up her head in some alarm. There was
no one to be seen, and her first thought was that she must have been
dreaming about the Lion and the Unicorn and those still lying at her
feet, on which she had tried to cut the plum- cake, `So I wasn't
dreaming, after all,' she said to herself, `unless--unless we're all
part of the same dream. Only I do hope it's MY dream, and not the
Red King's! I don't like belonging to another person's dream,' she
went on in a rather complaining tone: `I've a great mind to go and
wake him, and see what happens!'


At this moment her thoughts were interrupted by a loud shouting of
`Ahoy! Ahoy! Check!' and a Knight dressed in crimson armour came
galloping down upon her, brandishing a great club. Just as he
reached her, the horse stopped suddenly: `You're my prisoner!' the
Knight cried, as he tumbled off his horse.


Startled as she was, Alice was more frightened for him than for
herself at the moment, and watched him with some anxiety as he
mounted again. As soon as he was comfortably in the saddle, he began
once more `You're my--' but here another voice broke in `Ahoy! Ahoy!
Check!' and Alice looked round in some surprise for the new enemy.


This time it was a White Knight. He drew up at Alice's side, and
tumbled off his horse just as the Red Knight had done: then he got
on again, and the two Knights sat and looked at each other for some
time without speaking. Alice looked from one to the other in some
bewilderment.


`She's MY prisoner, you know!' the Red Knight said at last.


`Yes, but then I came and rescued her!' the White Knight replied.


`Well, we must fight for her, then,' said the Red Knight, as he took
up his helmet (which hung from the saddle, and was something the
shape of a horse's head), and put it on.


`You will observe the Rules of Battle, of course?' the White Knight
remarked, putting on his helmet too.


`I always do,' said the Red Knight, and they began banging away at
each other with such fury that Alice got behind a tree to be out of
the way of the blows.


`I wonder, now, what the Rules of Battle are,' she said to herself,
as she watched the fight, timidly peeping out from her hiding-place:
`one Rule seems to be, that if one Knight hits the other, he knocks
him off his horse, and if he misses, he tumbles off himself--and
another Rule seems to be that they hold their clubs with their arms,
as if they were Punch and Judy--What a noise they make when they
tumble! Just like a whole set of fire- irons falling into the
fender! And how quiet the horses are! They let them get on and off
them just as if they were tables!'


Another Rule of Battle, that Alice had not noticed, seemed to be
that they always fell on their heads, and the battle ended with
their both falling off in this way, side by side: when they got up
again, they shook hands, and then the Red Knight mounted and
galloped off.


`It was a glorious victory, wasn't it?' said the White Knight, as he
came up panting.


`I don't know,' Alice said doubtfully. `I don't want to be anybody's
prisoner. I want to be a Queen.'


`So you will, when you've crossed the next brook,' said the White
Knight. `I'll see you safe to the end of the wood--and then I must
go back, you know. That's the end of my move.'


`Thank you very much,' said Alice. `May I help you off with your
helmet?' It was evidently more than he could manage by himself;
however, she managed to shake him out of it at last.


`Now one can breathe more easily,' said the Knight, putting back his
shaggy hair with both hands, and turning his gentle face and large
mild eyes to Alice. She thought she had never seen such a
strange-looking soldier in all her life.


He was dressed in tin armour, which seemed to fit him very badly,
and he had a queer-shaped little deal box fastened across his
shoulder, upside-down, and with the lid hanging open. Alice looked
at it with great curiosity.


`I see you're admiring my little box.' the Knight said in a friendly
tone. `It's my own invention--to keep clothes and sandwiches in. You
see I carry it upside-down, so that the rain can't get in.'


`But the things can get OUT,' Alice gently remarked. `Do you know
the lid's open?'


`I didn't know it,' the Knight said, a shade of vexation passing
over his face. `Then all the things much have fallen out! And the
box is no use without them.' He unfastened it as he spoke, and was
just going to throw it into the bushes, when a sudden thought seemed
to strike him, and he hung it carefully on a tree. `Can you guess
why I did that?' he said to Alice.


Alice shook her head.


`In hopes some bees may make a nest in it--then I should get the
honey.'


`But you've got a bee-hive--or something like one--fastened to the
saddle,' said Alice.


`Yes, it's a very good bee-hive,' the Knight said in a discontented
tone, `one of the best kind. But not a single bee has come near it
yet. And the other thing is a mouse-trap. I suppose the mice keep
the bees out--or the bees keep the mice out, I don't know which.'


`I was wondering what the mouse-trap was for,' said Alice. `It isn't
very likely there would be any mice on the horse's back.'


`Not very likely, perhaps,' said the Knight: `but if they DO come, I
don't choose to have them running all about.'


`You see,' he went on after a pause, `it's as well to be provided
for EVERYTHING. That's the reason the horse has all those anklets
round his feet.'


`But what are they for?' Alice asked in a tone of great curiosity.


`To guard against the bites of sharks,' the Knight replied. `It's an
invention of my own. And now help me on. I'll go with you to the end
of the wood--What's the dish for?'


`It's meant for plum-cake,' said Alice.


`We'd better take it with us,' the Knight said. `It'll come in handy
if we find any plum-cake. Help me to get it into this bag.'


This took a very long time to manage, though Alice held the bag open
very carefully, because the Knight was so VERY awkward in putting in
the dish: the first two or three times that he tried he fell in
himself instead. `It's rather a tight fit, you see,' he said, as
they got it in a last; `There are so many candlesticks in the bag.'
And he hung it to the saddle, which was already loaded with bunches
of carrots, and fire-irons, and many other things.


`I hope you've got your hair well fastened on?' he continued, as
they set off.


`Only in the usual way,' Alice said, smiling.


`That's hardly enough,' he said, anxiously. `You see the wind is so
VERY strong here. It's as strong as soup.'


`Have you invented a plan for keeping the hair from being blown
off?' Alice enquired.


`Not yet,' said the Knight. `But I've got a plan for keeping it from
FALLING off.'


`I should like to hear it, very much.'


`First you take an upright stick,' said the Knight. `Then you make
your hair creep up it, like a fruit-tree. Now the reason hair falls
off is because it hangs DOWN--things never fall UPWARDS, you know.
It's a plan of my own invention. You may try it if you like.'


It didn't sound a comfortable plan, Alice thought, and for a few
minutes she walked on in silence, puzzling over the idea, and every
now and then stopping to help the poor Knight, who certainly was NOT
a good rider.


Whenever the horse stopped (which it did very often), he fell off in
front; and whenever it went on again (which it generally did rather
suddenly), he fell off behind. Otherwise he kept on pretty well,
except that he had a habit of now and then falling off sideways; and
as he generally did this on the side on which Alice was walking, she
soon found that it was the best plan not to walk QUITE close to the
horse.


`I'm afraid you've not had much practice in riding,' she ventured to
say, as she was helping him up from his fifth tumble.


The Knight looked very much surprised, and a little offended at the
remark. `What makes you say that?' he asked, as he scrambled back
into the saddle, keeping hold of Alice's hair with one hand, to save
himself from falling over on the other side.


`Because people don't fall off quite so often, when they've had much
practice.'


`I've had plenty of practice,' the Knight said very gravely: `plenty
of practice!'


Alice could think of nothing better to say than `Indeed?' but she
said it as heartily as she could. They went on a little way in
silence after this, the Knight with his eyes shut, muttering to
himself, and Alice watching anxiously for the next tumble.


`The great art of riding,' the Knight suddenly began in a loud
voice, waving his right arm as he spoke, `is to keep--' Here the
sentence ended as suddenly as it had begun, as the Knight fell
heavily on the top of his head exactly in the path where Alice was
walking. She was quite frightened this time, and said in an anxious
tone, as she picked him up, `I hope no bones are broken?'


`None to speak of,' the Knight said, as if he didn't mind breaking
two or three of them. `The great art of riding, as I was saying,
is--to keep your balance properly. Like this, you know--'


He let go the bridle, and stretched out both his arms to show Alice
what he meant, and this time he fell flat on his back, right under
the horse's feet.


`Plenty of practice!' he went on repeating, all the time that Alice
was getting him on his feet again. `Plenty of practice!'


`It's too ridiculous!' cried Alice, losing all her patience this
time. `You ought to have a wooden horse on wheels, that you ought!'


`Does that kind go smoothly?' the Knight asked in a tone of great
interest, clasping his arms round the horse's neck as he spoke, just
in time to save himself from tumbling off again.


`Much more smoothly than a live horse,' Alice said, with a little
scream of laughter, in spite of all she could do to prevent it.


`I'll get one,' the Knight said thoughtfully to himself. `One or
two--several.'


There was a short silence after this, and then the Knight went on
again. `I'm a great hand at inventing things. Now, I daresay you
noticed, that last time you picked me up, that I was looking rather
thoughtful?'


`You WERE a little grave,' said Alice.


`Well, just then I was inventing a new way of getting over a
gate--would you like to hear it?'


`Very much indeed,' Alice said politely.


`I'll tell you how I came to think of it,' said the Knight. `You
see, I said to myself, "The only difficulty is with the feet: the
HEAD is high enough already." Now, first I put my head on the top of
the gate--then I stand on my head--then the feet are high enough,
you see--then I'm over, you see.'


`Yes, I suppose you'd be over when that was done,' Alice said
thoughtfully: `but don't you think it would be rather hard?'


`I haven't tried it yet,' the Knight said, gravely: `so I can't tell
for certain--but I'm afraid it WOULD be a little hard.'


He looked so vexed at the idea, that Alice changed the subject
hastily. `What a curious helmet you've got!' she said cheerfully.
`Is that your invention too?'

[shedthemonkey]

The Knight looked down proudly at his helmet, which hung from the
saddle. `Yes,' he said, `but I've invented a better one than
that--like a sugar loaf. When I used to wear it, if I fell off the
horse, it always touched the ground directly. So I had a VERY little
way to fall, you see--But there WAS the danger of falling INTO it,
to be sure. That happened to me once--and the worst of it was,
before I could get out again, the other White Knight came and put it
on. He thought it was his own helmet.'


The knight looked so solemn about it that Alice did not dare to
laugh. `I'm afraid you must have hurt him,' she said in a trembling
voice, `being on the top of his head.'


`I had to kick him, of course,' the Knight said, very seriously.
`And then he took the helmet off again--but it took hours and hours
to get me out. I was as fast as--as lightning, you know.'


`But that's a different kind of fastness,' Alice objected.


The Knight shook his head. `It was all kinds of fastness with me, I
can assure you!' he said. He raised his hands in some excitement as
he said this, and instantly rolled out of the saddle, and fell
headlong into a deep ditch.


Alice ran to the side of the ditch to look for him. She was rather
startled by the fall, as for some time he had kept on very well, and
she was afraid that he really WAS hurt this time. However, though
she could see nothing but the soles of his feet, she was much
relieved to hear that he was talking on in his usual tone. `All
kinds of fastness,' he repeated: `but it was careless of him to put
another man's helmet on--with the man in it, too.'


`How CAN you go on talking so quietly, head downwards?' Alice asked,
as she dragged him out by the feet, and laid him in a heap on the
bank.


The Knight looked surprised at the question. `What does it matter
where my body happens to be?' he said. `My mind goes on working all
the same. In fact, the more head downwards I am, the more I keep
inventing new things.'


`Now the cleverest thing of the sort that I ever did,' he went on
after a pause, `was inventing a new pudding during the meat-
course.'


`In time to have it cooked for the next course?' said Alice. `Well,
not the NEXT course,' the Knight said in a slow thoughtful tone:
`no, certainly not the next COURSE.'


`Then it would have to be the next day. I suppose you wouldn't have
two pudding-courses in one dinner?'


`Well, not the NEXT day,' the Knight repeated as before: `not the
next DAY. In fact,' he went on, holding his head down, and his voice
getting lower and lower, `I don't believe that pudding ever WAS
cooked! In fact, I don't believe that pudding ever WILL be cooked!
And yet it was a very clever pudding to invent.'


`What did you mean it to be made of?' Alice asked, hoping to cheer
him up, for the poor Knight seemed quite low-spirited about it.


`It began with blotting paper,' the Knight answered with a groan.


`That wouldn't be very nice, I'm afraid--'


`Not very nice ALONE,' he interrupted, quite eagerly: `but you've no
idea what a difference it makes mixing it with other things--such as
gunpowder and sealing-wax. And here I must leave you.' They had just
come to the end of the wood.


Alice could only look puzzled: she was thinking of the pudding.


`You are sad,' the Knight said in an anxious tone: `let me sing you
a song to comfort you.'


`Is it very long?' Alice asked, for she had heard a good deal of
poetry that day.


`It's long,' said the Knight, `but very, VERY beautiful. Everybody
that hears me sing it--either it brings the TEARS into their eyes,
or else--'


`Or else what?' said Alice, for the Knight had made a sudden pause.


`Or else it doesn't, you know. The name of the song is called
"HADDOCKS' EYES."'


`Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?' Alice said, trying to feel
interested.


`No, you don't understand,' the Knight said, looking a little vexed.
`That's what the name is CALLED. The name really IS "THE AGED AGED
MAN."'


`Then I ought to have said "That's what the SONG is called"?' Alice
corrected herself.


`No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The SONG is called
"WAYS AND MEANS": but that's only what it's CALLED, you know!'


`Well, what IS the song, then?' said Alice, who was by this time
completely bewildered.


`I was coming to that,' the Knight said. `The song really IS
"A-SITTING ON A GATE": and the tune's my own invention.'


So saying, he stopped his horse and let the reins fall on its neck:
then, slowly beating time with one hand, and with a faint smile
lighting up his gentle foolish face, as if he enjoyed the music of
his song, he began.


Of all the strange things that Alice saw in her journey Through The
Looking-Glass, this was the one that she always remembered most
clearly. Years afterwards she could bring the whole scene back
again, as if it had been only yesterday--the mild blue eyes and
kindly smile of the Knight--the setting sun gleaming through his
hair, and shining on his armour in a blaze of light that quite
dazzled her--the horse quietly moving about, with the reins hanging
loose on his neck, cropping the grass at her feet--and the black
shadows of the forest behind--all this she took in like a picture,
as, with one hand shading her eyes, she leant against a tree,
watching the strange pair, and listening, in a half dream, to the
melancholy music of the song.


`But the tune ISN'T his own invention,' she said to herself: `it's
"I GIVE THEE ALL, I CAN NO MORE."' She stood and listened very
attentively, but no tears came into her eyes.



`I'll tell thee everything I can; There's little to relate. I saw an
aged aged man, A-sitting on a gate. "Who are you, aged man?" I said,
"and how is it you live?" And his answer trickled through my head
Like water through a sieve.

He said "I look for butterflies That sleep among the wheat: I make
them into mutton-pies, And sell them in the street. I sell them unto
men," he said, "Who sail on stormy seas; And that's the way I get my
bread-- A trifle, if you please."

But I was thinking of a plan To dye one's whiskers green, And always
use so large a fan That they could not be seen. So, having no reply
to give To what the old man said, I cried, "Come, tell me how you
live!" And thumped him on the head.

His accents mild took up the tale: He said "I go my ways, And when I
find a mountain-rill, I set it in a blaze; And thence they make a
stuff they call Rolands' Macassar Oil-- Yet twopence-halfpenny is
all They give me for my toil."

But I was thinking of a way To feed oneself on batter, And so go on
from day to day Getting a little fatter. I shook him well from side
to side, Until his face was blue: "Come, tell me how you live," I
cried, "And what it is you do!"

He said "I hunt for haddocks' eyes Among the heather bright, And
work them into waistcoat-buttons In the silent night. And these I do
not sell for gold Or coin of silvery shine But for a copper
halfpenny, And that will purchase nine.

"I sometimes dig for buttered rolls, Or set limed twigs for crabs; I
sometimes search the grassy knolls For wheels of Hansom-cabs. And
that's the way" (he gave a wink) "By which I get my wealth-- And
very gladly will I drink Your Honour's noble health."

I heard him then, for I had just Completed my design To keep the
Menai bridge from rust By boiling it in wine. I thanked much for
telling me The way he got his wealth, But chiefly for his wish that
he Might drink my noble health.

And now, if e'er by chance I put My fingers into glue Or madly
squeeze a right-hand foot Into a left-hand shoe, Or if I drop upon
my toe A very heavy weight, I weep, for it reminds me so, Of that
old man I used to know--

Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow, Whose hair was whiter
than the snow, Whose face was very like a crow, With eyes, like
cinders, all aglow, Who seemed distracted with his woe, Who rocked
his body to and fro, And muttered mumblingly and low, As if his
mouth were full of dough, Who snorted like a buffalo-- That summer
evening, long ago, A-sitting on a gate.'



As the Knight sang the last words of the ballad, he gathered up the
reins, and turned his horse's head along the road by which they had
come. `You've only a few yards to go,' he said,' down the hill and
over that little brook, and then you'll be a Queen-- But you'll stay
and see me off first?' he added as Alice turned with an eager look
in the direction to which he pointed. `I shan't be long. You'll wait
and wave your handkerchief when I get to that turn in the road? I
think it'll encourage me, you see.'


`Of course I'll wait,' said Alice: `and thank you very much for
coming so far--and for the song--I liked it very much.'


`I hope so,' the Knight said doubtfully: `but you didn't cry so much
as I thought you would.'


So they shook hands, and then the Knight rode slowly away into the
forest. `It won't take long to see him OFF, I expect,' Alice said to
herself, as she stood watching him. `There he goes! Right on his
head as usual! However, he gets on again pretty easily--that comes
of having so many things hung round the horse--' So she went on
talking to herself, as she watched the horse walking leisurely along
the road, and the Knight tumbling off, first on one side and then on
the other. After the fourth or fifth tumble he reached the turn, and
then she waved her handkerchief to him, and waited till he was out
of sight.


`I hope it encouraged him,' she said, as she turned to run down the
hill: `and now for the last brook, and to be a Queen! How grand it
sounds!' A very few steps brought her to the edge of the brook. `The
Eighth Square at last!' she cried as she bounded across,


*





*

and threw herself down to rest on a lawn as soft as moss, with
little flower-beds dotted about it here and there. `Oh, how glad I
am to get here! And what IS this on my head?' she exclaimed in a
tone of dismay, as she put her hands up to something very heavy, and
fitted tight all round her head.


`But how CAN it have got there without my knowing it?' she said to
herself, as she lifted it off, and set it on her lap to make out
what it could possibly be.


It was a golden crown.

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER IX
Queen Alice



`Well, this IS grand!' said Alice. `I never expected I should be a
Queen so soon--and I'll tell you what it is, your majesty,' she went
on in a severe tone (she was always rather fond of scolding
herself), `it'll never do for you to be lolling about on the grass
like that! Queens have to be dignified, you know!'


So she got up and walked about--rather stiffly just at first, as she
was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted herself
with the thought that there was nobody to see her, `and if I really
am a Queen,' she said as she sat down again, `I shall be able to
manage it quite well in time.'


Everything was happening so oddly that she didn't feel a bit
surprised at finding the Red Queen and the White Queen sitting close
to her, one on each side: she would have liked very much to ask them
how they came there, but she feared it would not be quite civil.
However, there would be no harm, she thought, in asking if the game
was over. `Please, would you tell me--' she began, looking timidly
at the Red Queen.


`Speak when you're spoken to!' The Queen sharply interrupted her.


`But if everybody obeyed that rule,' said Alice, who was always
ready for a little argument, `and if you only spoke when you were
spoken to, and the other person always waited for YOU to begin, you
see nobody would ever say anything, so that--'


`Ridiculous!' cried the Queen. `Why, don't you see, child--' here
she broke off with a frown, and, after thinking for a minute,
suddenly changed the subject of the conversation. `What do you mean
by "If you really are a Queen"? What right have you to call yourself
so? You can't be a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper
examination. And the sooner we begin it, the better.'


`I only said "if"!' poor Alice pleaded in a piteous tone.


The two Queens looked at each other, and the Red Queen remarked,
with a little shudder, `She SAYS she only said "if"--'


`But she said a great deal more than that!' the White Queen moaned,
wringing her hands. `Oh, ever so much more than that!'


`So you did, you know,' the Red Queen said to Alice. `Always speak
the truth--think before you speak--and write it down afterwards.'


`I'm sure I didn't mean--' Alice was beginning, but the Red Queen
interrupted her impatiently.


`That's just what I complain of! You SHOULD have meant! What do you
suppose is the use of child without any meaning? Even a joke should
have some meaning--and a child's more important than a joke, I hope.
You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.'


`I don't deny things with my HANDS,' Alice objected.


`Nobody said you did,' said the Red Queen. `I said you couldn't if
you tried.'


`She's in that state of mind,' said the White Queen, `that she wants
to deny SOMETHING--only she doesn't know what to deny!'


`A nasty, vicious temper,' the Red Queen remarked; and then there
was an uncomfortable silence for a minute or two.


The Red Queen broke the silence by saying to the White Queen, `I
invite you to Alice's dinner-party this afternoon.'


The White Queen smiled feebly, and said `And I invite YOU.'


`I didn't know I was to have a party at all,' said Alice; `but if
there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests.'


`We gave you the opportunity of doing it,' the Red Queen remarked:
`but I daresay you've not had many lessons in manners yet?'


`Manners are not taught in lessons,' said Alice. `Lessons teach you
to do sums, and things of that sort.'


`And you do Addition?' the White Queen asked. `What's one and one
and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?'


`I don't know,' said Alice. `I lost count.'


`She can't do Addition,' the Red Queen interrupted. `Can you do
Subtraction? Take nine from eight.'


`Nine from eight I can't, you know,' Alice replied very readily:
`but--'


`She can't do Subtraction,' said the White Queen. `Can you do
Division? Divide a loaf by a knife--what's the answer to that?'


`I suppose--' Alice was beginning, but the Red Queen answered for
her. `Bread-and-butter, of course. Try another Subtraction sum. Take
a bone from a dog: what remains?'


Alice considered. `The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took
it--and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me --and I'm
sure I shouldn't remain!'


`Then you think nothing would remain?' said the Red Queen.


`I think that's the answer.'


`Wrong, as usual,' said the Red Queen: `the dog's temper would
remain.'


`But I don't see how--'


`Why, look here!' the Red Queen cried. `The dog would lose its
temper, wouldn't it?'


`Perhaps it would,' Alice replied cautiously.


`Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!' the Queen
exclaimed triumphantly.


Alice said, as gravely as she could, `They might go different ways.'
But she couldn't help thinking to herself, `What dreadful nonsense
we ARE talking!'


`She can't do sums a BIT!' the Queens said together, with great
emphasis.


`Can YOU do sums?' Alice said, turning suddenly on the White Queen,
for she didn't like being found fault with so much.


The Queen gasped and shut her eyes. `I can do Addition,' `if you
give me time--but I can do Subtraction, under ANY circumstances!'


`Of course you know your A B C?' said the Red Queen.


`To be sure I do.' said Alice.


`So do I,' the White Queen whispered: `we'll often say it over
together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret--I can read words of one
letter! Isn't THAT grand! However, don't be discouraged. You'll come
to it in time.'


Here the Red Queen began again. `Can you answer useful questions?'
she said. `How is bread made?'


`I know THAT!' Alice cried eagerly. `You take some flour--'


`Where do you pick the flower?' the White Queen asked. `In a garden,
or in the hedges?'


`Well, it isn't PICKED at all,' Alice explained: `it's GROUND --'


`How many acres of ground?' said the White Queen. `You mustn't leave
out so many things.'


`Fan her head!' the Red Queen anxiously interrupted. `She'll be
feverish after so much thinking.' So they set to work and fanned her
with bunches of leaves, till she had to beg them to leave off, it
blew her hair about so.


`She's all right again now,' said the Red Queen. `Do you know
Languages? What's the French for fiddle-de-dee?'


`Fiddle-de-dee's not English,' Alice replied gravely.


`Who ever said it was?' said the Red Queen.


Alice thought she saw a way out of the difficulty this time. `If
you'll tell me what language "fiddle-de-dee" is, I'll tell you the
French for it!' she exclaimed triumphantly.


But the Red Queen drew herself up rather stiffly, and said `Queens
never make bargains.'


`I wish Queens never asked questions,' Alice thought to herself.


`Don't let us quarrel,' the White Queen said in an anxious tone.
`What is the cause of lightning?'


`The cause of lightning,' Alice said very decidedly, for she felt
quite certain about this, `is the thunder--no, no!' she hastily
corrected herself. `I meant the other way.'


`It's too late to correct it,' said the Red Queen: `when you've once
said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.'


`Which reminds me--' the White Queen said, looking down and
nervously clasping and unclasping her hands, `we had SUCH a
thunderstorm last Tuesday--I mean one of the last set of Tuesdays,
you know.'


Alice was puzzled. `In OUR country,' she remarked, `there's only one
day at a time.'


The Red Queen said, `That's a poor thin way of doing things. Now
HERE, we mostly have days and nights two or three at a time, and
sometimes in the winter we take as many as five nights together--for
warmth, you know.'


`Are five nights warmer than one night, then?' Alice ventured to
ask.


`Five times as warm, of course.'


`But they should be five times as COLD, by the same rule--'


`Just so!' cried the Red Queen. `Five times as warm, AND five times
as cold--just as I'm five times as rich as you are, AND five times
as clever!'


Alice sighed and gave it up. `It's exactly like a riddle with no
answer!' she thought.


`Humpty Dumpty saw it too,' the White Queen went on in a low voice,
more as if she were talking to herself. `He came to the door with a
corkscrew in his hand--'


`What did he want?' said the Red Queen.


`He said he WOULD come in,' the White Queen went on, `because he was
looking for a hippopotamus. Now, as it happened, there wasn't such a
thing in the house, that morning.'


`Is there generally?' Alice asked in an astonished tone.


`Well, only on Thursdays,' said the Queen.


`I know what he came for,' said Alice: `he wanted to punish the
fish, because--'


Here the White Queen began again. `It was SUCH a thunderstorm, you
can't think!' (She NEVER could, you know,' said the Red Queen.) `And
part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in--and it
went rolling round the room in great lumps-- and knocking over the
tables and things--till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my
own name!'


Alice thought to herself, `I never should TRY to remember my name in
the middle of an accident! Where would be the use of it?' but she
did not say this aloud, for fear of hurting the poor Queen's
feeling.


`Your Majesty must excuse her,' the Red Queen said to Alice, taking
one of the White Queen's hands in her own, and gently stroking it:
`she means well, but she can't help saying foolish things, as a
general rule.'

[shedthemonkey]

The White Queen looked timidly at Alice, who felt she OUGHT to say
something kind, but really couldn't think of anything at the moment.



`She never was really well brought up,' the Red Queen went on: `but
it's amazing how good-tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see
how pleased she'll be!' But this was more than Alice had courage to
do.


`A little kindness--and putting her hair in papers--would do wonders
with her--'


The White Queen gave a deep sigh, and laid her head on Alice's
shoulder. `I AM so sleepy?' she moaned.


`She's tired, poor thing!' said the Red Queen. `Smooth her
hair--lend her your nightcap--and sing her a soothing lullaby.'


`I haven't got a nightcap with me,' said Alice, as she tried to obey
the first direction: `and I don't know any soothing lullabies.'


`I must do it myself, then,' said the Red Queen, and she began:



`Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap! Till the feast's ready, we've time
for a nap: When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball-- Red Queen,
and White Queen, and Alice, and all!



`And now you know the words,' she added, as she put her head down on
Alice's other shoulder, `just sing it through to ME. I'm getting
sleepy, too.' In another moment both Queens were fast asleep, and
snoring loud.


`What AM I to do?' exclaimed Alice, looking about in great
perplexity, as first one round head, and then the other, rolled down
from her shoulder, and lay like a heavy lump in her lap. `I don't
think it EVER happened before, that any one had to take care of two
Queens asleep at once! No, not in all the History of England--it
couldn't, you know, because there never was more than one Queen at a
time. `Do wake up, you heavy things!' she went on in an impatient
tone; but there was no answer but a gentle snoring.


The snoring got more distinct every minute, and sounded more like a
tune: at last she could even make out the words, and she listened so
eagerly that, when the two great heads vanished from her lap, she
hardly missed them.


She was standing before an arched doorway over which were the words
QUEEN ALICE in large letters, and on each side of the arch there was
a bell-handle; one was marked `Visitors' Bell,' and the other
`Servants' Bell.'


`I'll wait till the song's over,' thought Alice, `and then I'll
ring--the--WHICH bell must I ring?' she went on, very much puzzled
by the names. `I'm not a visitor, and I'm not a servant. There OUGHT
to be one marked "Queen," you know--'


Just then the door opened a little way, and a creature with a long
beak put its head out for a moment and said `No admittance till the
week after next!' and shut the door again with a bang.


Alice knocked and rang in vain for a long time, but at last, a very
old Frog, who was sitting under a tree, got up and hobbled slowly
towards her: he was dressed in bright yellow, and had enormous boots
on.


`What is it, now?' the Frog said in a deep hoarse whisper.


Alice turned round, ready to find fault with anybody. `Where's the
servant whose business it is to answer the door?' she began angrily.



`Which door?' said the Frog.


Alice almost stamped with irritation at the slow drawl in which he
spoke. `THIS door, of course!'


The Frog looked at the door with his large dull eyes for a minute:
then he went nearer and rubbed it with his thumb, as if he were
trying whether the paint would come off; then he looked at Alice.


`To answer the door?' he said. `What's it been asking of?' He was so
hoarse that Alice could scarcely hear him.


`I don't know what you mean,' she said.


`I talks English, doesn't I?' the Frog went on. `Or are you deaf?
What did it ask you?'


`Nothing!' Alice said impatiently. `I've been knocking at it!'


`Shouldn't do that--shouldn't do that--' the Frog muttered. `Vexes
it, you know.' Then he went up and gave the door a kick with one of
his great feet. `You let IT alone,' he panted out, as he hobbled
back to his tree, `and it'll let YOU alone, you know.'


At this moment the door was flung open, and a shrill voice was heard
singing:



`To the Looking-Glass world it was Alice that said, "I've a sceptre
in hand, I've a crown on my head; Let the Looking-Glass creatures,
whatever they be, Come and dine with the Red Queen, the White Queen,
and me."'



And hundreds of voices joined in the chorus:



`Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can, And sprinkle the
table with buttons and bran: Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the
tea-- And welcome Queen Alice with thirty-times-three!'



Then followed a confused noise of cheering, and Alice thought to
herself, `Thirty times three makes ninety. I wonder if any one's
counting?' In a minute there was silence again, and the same shrill
voice sang another verse;



`"O Looking-Glass creatures," quothe Alice, "draw near! 'Tis an
honour to see me, a favour to hear: 'Tis a privilege high to have
dinner and tea Along with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me!"'



Then came the chorus again: --



`Then fill up the glasses with treacle and ink, Or anything else
that is pleasant to drink: Mix sand with the cider, and wool with
the wine-- And welcome Queen Alice with ninety-times-nine!'



`Ninety times nine!' Alice repeated in despair, `Oh, that'll never
be done! I'd better go in at once--' and there was a dead silence
the moment she appeared.


Alice glanced nervously along the table, as she walked up the large
hall, and noticed that there were about fifty guests, of all kinds:
some were animals, some birds, and there were even a few flowers
among them. `I'm glad they've come without waiting to be asked,' she
thought: `I should never have known who were the right people to
invite!'


There were three chairs at the head of the table; the Red and White
Queens had already taken two of them, but the middle one was empty.
Alice sat down in it, rather uncomfortable in the silence, and
longing for some one to speak.


At last the Red Queen began. `You've missed the soup and fish,' she
said. `Put on the joint!' And the waiters set a leg of mutton before
Alice, who looked at it rather anxiously, as she had never had to
carve a joint before.


`You look a little shy; let me introduce you to that leg of mutton,'
said the Red Queen. `Alice--Mutton; Mutton--Alice.' The leg of
mutton got up in the dish and made a little bow to Alice; and Alice
returned the bow, not knowing whether to be frightened or amused.


`May I give you a slice?' she said, taking up the knife and fork,
and looking from one Queen to the other.


`Certainly not,' the Red Queen said, very decidedly: `it isn't
etiquette to cut any one you've been introduced to. Remove the
joint!' And the waiters carried it off, and brought a large
plum-pudding in its place.


`I won't be introduced to the pudding, please,' Alice said rather
hastily, `or we shall get no dinner at all. May I give you some?'


But the Red Queen looked sulky, and growled `Pudding--Alice;
Alice--Pudding. Remove the pudding!' and the waiters took it away so
quickly that Alice couldn't return its bow.


However, she didn't see why the Red Queen should be the only one to
give orders, so, as an experiment, she called out `Waiter! Bring
back the pudding!' and there it was again in a moment like a
conjuring-trick. It was so large that she couldn't help feeling a
LITTLE shy with it, as she had been with the mutton; however, she
conquered her shyness by a great effort and cut a slice and handed
it to the Red Queen.


`What impertinence!' said the Pudding. `I wonder how you'd like it,
if I were to cut a slice out of YOU, you creature!'


It spoke in a thick, suety sort of voice, and Alice hadn't a word to
say in reply: she could only sit and look at it and gasp.


`Make a remark,' said the Red Queen: `it's ridiculous to leave all
the conversation to the pudding!'


`Do you know, I've had such a quantity of poetry repeated to me
to-day,' Alice began, a little frightened at finding that, the
moment she opened her lips, there was dead silence, and all eyes
were fixed upon her; `and it's a very curious thing, I think-- every
poem was about fishes in some way. Do you know why they're so fond
of fishes, all about here?'


She spoke to the Red Queen, whose answer was a little wide of the
mark. `As to fishes,' she said, very slowly and solemnly, putting
her mouth close to Alice's ear, `her White Majesty knows a lovely
riddle--all in poetry--all about fishes. Shall she repeat it?'


`Her Red Majesty's very kind to mention it,' the White Queen
murmured into Alice's other ear, in a voice like the cooing of a
pigeon. `It would be SUCH a treat! May I?'


`Please do,' Alice said very politely.


The White Queen laughed with delight, and stroked Alice's cheek.
Then she began:



`"First, the fish must be caught." That is easy: a baby, I think,
could have caught it. "Next, the fish must be bought." That is easy:
a penny, I think, would have bought it.


"Now cook me the fish!" That is easy, and will not take more than a
minute. "Let it lie in a dish!"
That is easy, because it already is in it.


"Bring it here! Let me sup!" It is easy to set such a dish on the
table. "Take the dish-cover up!" Ah, THAT is so hard that I fear I'm
unable!


For it holds it like glue-- Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies
in the middle: Which is easiest to do,
Un-dish-cover the fish, or dishcover the riddle?'



`Take a minute to think about it, and then guess,' said the Red
Queen. `Meanwhile, we'll drink your health--Queen Alice's health!'
she screamed at the top of her voice, and all the guests began
drinking it directly, and very queerly they managed it: some of them
put their glasses upon their heads like extinguishers, and drank all
that trickled down their faces--others upset the decanters, and
drank the wine as it ran off the edges of the table--and three of
them (who looked like kangaroos) scrambled into the dish of roast
mutton, and began eagerly lapping up the gravy, `just like pigs in a
trough!' thought Alice.


`You ought to return thanks in a neat speech,' the Red Queen said,
frowning at Alice as she spoke.


`We must support you, you know,' the White Queen whispered, as Alice
got up to do it, very obediently, but a little frightened.


`Thank you very much,' she whispered in reply, `but I can do quite
well without.'


`That wouldn't be at all the thing,' the Red Queen said very
decidedly: so Alice tried to submit to it with a good grace.


(`And they DID push so!' she said afterwards, when she was telling
her sister the history of the feast. `You would have thought they
wanted to squeeze me flat!')


In fact it was rather difficult for her to keep in her place while
she made her speech: the two Queens pushed her so, one on each side,
that they nearly lifted her up into the air: `I rise to return
thanks--' Alice began: and she really DID rise as she spoke, several
inches; but she got hold of the edge of the table, and managed to
pull herself down again.


`Take care of yourself!' screamed the White Queen, seizing Alice's
hair with both her hands. `Something's going to happen!'


And then (as Alice afterwards described it) all sorts of thing
happened in a moment. The candles all grew up to the ceiling,
looking something like a bed of rushes with fireworks at the top. As
to the bottles, they each took a pair of plates, which they hastily
fitted on as wings, and so, with forks for legs, went fluttering
about in all directions: `and very like birds they look,' Alice
thought to herself, as well as she could in the dreadful confusion
that was beginning.


At this moment she heard a hoarse laugh at her side, and turned to
see what was the matter with the White Queen; but, instead of the
Queen, there was the leg of mutton sitting in the chair. `Here I
am!' cried a voice from the soup tureen, and Alice turned again,
just in time to see the Queen's broad good-natured face grinning at
her for a moment over the edge of the tureen, before she disappeared
into the soup.


There was not a moment to be lost. Already several of the guests
were lying down in the dishes, and the soup ladle was walking up the
table towards Alice's chair, and beckoning to her impatiently to get
out of its way.


`I can't stand this any longer!' she cried as she jumped up and
seized the table-cloth with both hands: one good pull, and plates,
dishes, guests, and candles came crashing down together in a heap on
the floor.


`And as for YOU,' she went on, turning fiercely upon the Red Queen,
whom she considered as the cause of all the mischief--but the Queen
was no longer at her side--she had suddenly dwindled down to the
size of a little doll, and was now on the table, merrily running
round and round after her own shawl, which was trailing behind her.


At any other time, Alice would have felt surprised at this, but she
was far too much excited to be surprised at anything NOW. `As for
YOU,' she repeated, catching hold of the little creature in the very
act of jumping over a bottle which had just lighted upon the table,
`I'll shake you into a kitten, that I will!'

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER X
Shaking



She took her off the table as she spoke, and shook her backwards and
forwards with all her might.


The Red Queen made no resistance whatever; only her face grew very
small, and her eyes got large and green: and still, as Alice went on
shaking her, she kept on growing shorter--and fatter--and
softer--and rounder--and--

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER XI
Waking


--and it really WAS a kitten, after all.

[shedthemonkey]

CHAPTER XII
Which Dreamed it?



`Your majesty shouldn't purr so loud,' Alice said, rubbing her eyes,
and addressing the kitten, respectfully, yet with some severity.
`You woke me out of oh! such a nice dream! And you've been along
with me, Kitty--all through the Looking-Glass world. Did you know
it, dear?'


It is a very inconvenient habit of kittens (Alice had once made the
remark) that, whatever you say to them, they ALWAYS purr. `If them
would only purr for "yes" and mew for "no," or any rule of that
sort,' she had said, `so that one could keep up a conversation! But
how CAN you talk with a person if they always say the same thing?'


On this occasion the kitten only purred: and it was impossible to
guess whether it meant `yes' or `no.'


So Alice hunted among the chessmen on the table till she had found
the Red Queen: then she went down on her knees on the hearth-rug,
and put the kitten and the Queen to look at each other. `Now,
Kitty!' she cried, clapping her hands triumphantly. `Confess that
was what you turned into!'


(`But it wouldn't look at it,' she said, when she was explaining the
thing afterwards to her sister: `it turned away its head, and
pretended not to see it: but it looked a LITTLE ashamed of itself,
so I think it MUST have been the Red Queen.')


`Sit up a little more stiffly, dear!' Alice cried with a merry
laugh. `And curtsey while you're thinking what to--what to purr. It
saves time, remember!' And she caught it up and gave it one little
kiss, `just in honour of having been a Red Queen.'


`Snowdrop, my pet!' she went on, looking over her shoulder at the
White Kitten, which was still patiently undergoing its toilet, `when
WILL Dinah have finished with your White Majesty, I wonder? That
must be the reason you were so untidy in my dream-- Dinah! do you
know that you're scrubbing a White Queen? Really, it's most
disrespectful of you!


`And what did DINAH turn to, I wonder?' she prattled on, as she
settled comfortably down, with one elbow in the rug, and her chin in
her hand, to watch the kittens. `Tell me, Dinah, did you turn to
Humpty Dumpty? I THINK you did--however, you'd better not mention it
to your friends just yet, for I'm not sure.


`By the way, Kitty, if only you'd been really with me in my dream,
there was one thing you WOULD have enjoyed--I had such a quantity of
poetry said to me, all about fishes! To-morrow morning you shall
have a real treat. All the time you're eating your breakfast, I'll
repeat "The Walrus and the Carpenter" to you; and then you can make
believe it's oysters, dear!


`Now, Kitty, let's consider who it was that dreamed it all. This is
a serious question, my dear, and you should NOT go on licking your
paw like that--as if Dinah hadn't washed you this morning! You see,
Kitty, it MUST have been either me or the Red King. He was part of
my dream, of course--but then I was part of his dream, too! WAS it
the Red King, Kitty? You were his wife, my dear, so you ought to
know--Oh, Kitty, DO help to settle it! I'm sure your paw can wait!'
But the provoking kitten only began on the other paw, and pretended
it hadn't heard the question.


Which do YOU think it was?



---


A boat beneath a sunny sky, Lingering onward dreamily In an evening
of July--

Children three that nestle near, Eager eye and willing ear, Pleased
a simple tale to hear--

Long has paled that sunny sky: Echoes fade and memories die. Autumn
frosts have slain July.

Still she haunts me, phantomwise, Alice moving under skies Never
seen by waking eyes.

Children yet, the tale to hear, Eager eye and willing ear, Lovingly
shall nestle near.

In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as
the summers die:

Ever drifting down the stream-- Lingering in the golden gleam--
Life, what is it but a dream?


THE END

[dead_diver]

There is so much debate on wether or not he was a drug user and/or a pedophile. Much of his writting explains abstract mathematical theories in an odd way that could sound like a description of drug use: "we have to keep running if we want to stay in the same place said the Red Queen" or the trip down the rabbit hole where time, speed and distance do strange things . I'm sure he used drugs in his day as they were probably more common than they are today, but not all the book is about the effects of drugs. Some of it even mocks the English monarchy among other things. All in all a brilliant piece of work that has something in it for children, adults and even Steven Hawkins, much like cartoons where adult humor or topics are snuck in in such a way as kids don't "get it" but adults do.

[dead_diver]

In the movie "Dogma" there is a great explanation about the "Walruss and the Carpenter" I couldn't come up with a better one than that if my life depended on it LOL

[taoistshredder]

The whole book is just a stream of commentary on the entire Victorian era, socially, politically, etc. I always saw the story of the walrus and the carpenter as a sort of socio-economic commentary on how the upper class uses/abuses the workforce for their own ends only to have the workers eventually rise up when they realize they'd been taken advantage of. But turning it religious works, too.
"All in all a brilliant piece of work"
What more can one say?

[I_am_me]

Isn't it pretty much accepted that he was atleast an avid opium user?

Thanks Shed.

[viraljimmy]

The people who made the disney movie
seemed to have used some kind of drugs.

There are some pretty trippy scenes.

BTW, he photographed naked kids,
but it was a respected profession in
those days. He got paid to do it.

It was popular for people to have pictures
done of their naked kids.

They also used to have pictures done
when their kids died. They posed the corpses
and put angel wings on them and shit.

yeah...

[taoistshredder]

Whoooooooooooooooooooo..........nothing like the Victorian Era, baby. As conservative in their open life as they were kinky in private; probably one of the strangest cultures that has ever been. I can't even get started. lol But talk about an argument for, "There is no right and wrong, only popular opinion" - Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys