Extreme trip, need help...

[lost within]

This is a new name, but this is johnny butt, I've browsed this forum for awhile now, posting a few times here and there. I'm not a regular, but I sincerely hope ya'll will help me out. There are a ton of details to this story as well as everything that relates to it, but I will try and keep this brief.

About 2 years ago, a friend and I decided to grow shrooms. Thanks to this site, it was a success, except I did not heed the most important advice of all. When first-trip-day came (1.5 yrs ago), me and 4 other friends got together to try em out. Most had around 2g, but at the last minute I decided to take what was left, about 5g. Don't start, I know how incredibly dumb that was. I still remember that my mindset taking them was, "I wanted a break from reality". Well I got what I wanted and then more.

The trip itself wasn't bad. As I started coming up, my whole body felt like jello, and I just had to get outta the house, so I went to the courtyard and layed on the picnic table for about 3-4 hours. I didn't have any profound experiences or thoughts, I just stared at the sky and enjoyed the kalaidoscope visuals and the rainbow the planes and birds left behind them. It's when my friends showed up from getting pizza that things got a lil out of control.

I didn't see demons or go crazy...well I went a little crazy, but not the serious kind. Everybody else was just relaxing and chilling, but I was unable to stand still, and never have I laughed so much in my life. At one point I tried to push 2 of em in the pool and ended up going in myself. Soon after this, which was about 10 hours into the trip, it got bad. I had only eaten a sandwhich all day, which is what I think caused the seizure. I'm only 130 lbs, so I think I just got low blood sugar. But I was sitting on the couch, and next thing I know, everybody is staring at me, like "wtf just happened".

My friend helped me to the bathroom where I puked, then took me to my room where I laid on the carpet. At some point, somebody brought me a lil pb and j sandwhich, which made me feel tons better. The sugary jelly is why I think it was low blood sugar. I managed to crawl into bed, and fall asleep. The next day is when the real trip started...

Soon after I woke up, I got the first panic attack. Full blown, lvl 10. I thought I was dieing or going crazy. Long story short, I got anywhere from 1-3 of these a day, and when not having an attack, I was in a constant state of panic, like having the symptoms of a panic attack, just not as hard, 24/7. Smoking pot made this even worse, so I had to quit that, which alienated me from my friends. I basically shut myself off from everybody and everything. This goes on for 6-8 months. A lot of stuff changed between me and my best friend/roommate. I moved out and back home after the semester was over. A nuetral move, being alone to gather my thoughts was good, but being home sucks.

For a long time, I concentrated on just the panic attacks, thinking I could get rid of them. I dosed .5g a few times, and they did help with the major attacks. I did a 1g trip, but it was not good. I managed to get rid of the full blown attacks, but was still in a constant state of "panic". I began doing research on the internet on shrooms, and various mental issues, at the time I feared I was going crazy or something. I somehow came upon stuff about repressed emotions/memories and I thought about this. Then I thought about this, and it occured to me I do have a lot of unresolved stuff involving me, my dad, and my childhood. Basically, I was physcially and mentally abused as a child til I was about 14, my dad was not a good person and killed himself when I was 15, and I've figured out that the only way I've dealt with this is by blocking it out.

Since I came to this point, my mindset has no longer been about the panic attacks, but about everything else...It was like night and day, my mood almost instantly changed. I stopped talking to my mom, became secluded, and withdrawn. (I've always kinda been like this, but since the shrooms, I feel like now I know why.) This has been fairly recent, and I've gone thru mini stages as time has gone on. Major depression, fealing like I'm really really going crazy, anger. At present time I'm still a lil depressed, but I feel like if I can get some kind of closure with my dad, I can move on with my life, and even if it doesnt end the panic attacks, I can get back to being myself. I never got to say goodbye to my dad, or even saw him for the last year of his life. I've come to believe there are differences between the way I feel and they way I think I feel. I've put off going to where his ashes were scattered for a few weeks now...Mostly I'm afraid that nothing will change if I go and talk to him. Every second it's like I'm on the edge of a breakdown, which I think is a good thing. I've thought a lot about if breaking down and losing it would be good or bad. In the end, I think an emotional break down will be best. Due to this, I've devloped some kind of personal faith. You just have to let things happen, even if you don't want them to, and have faith that you will come out better in the end.

I know this is long, and as scary as these past 18 or so months have been, I've always kept a possitive attitude, and tried to make the best out of the situation. Or maybe I'm going crazy. That's why I'm posting, I need advice, encouragement, support. I just need to vent to somebody who has a close idea to what I'm going through. I literally have no one to talk to. I hope I can get the support and help that this great community is known for...because I could really use it right about now.

Thanks and peace

Well, I don't believe any of us are doctors, except for maybe elphstone, but you may want to see a psychiatrist to see what they think... Best of luck...

[Hidra]

Soon after I woke up, I got the first panic attack. Full blown, lvl 10

can you give more details on this?

[Gamera]

Well, I'm not a doctor but I have dealt with recurring major depression for 20 years and what you are describing sounds like a mahor depressive episode with anxiety attacks, which is not uncommon, I get them periodically myself.

However, I'd venture to guess that in your case the whole thing stems from your seizure and not from the shrooms per se (although the shrooms may have played a role in the seizure). From what you describe you had a fairly normal 5 gram trip - laughing, restless, fun visuals etc. After 10 hours the amount of psilocybin in your system was probably negligable. Certainly after a day.

The seizure on the other hand is a serious medical brain disfunction and more likely than not everything after that is a more or less direct consequence of the seizure, not the mushrooms. Its similar to getting a concussion - its very common to have episodes of depression for weeks or even years after getting a concussion, and the depression and anxiety can be profound (I know this from experience too).

It sounds like you have a lot of personal issues to work through but I'd guess that over time your anxiety and depression are going to subside. You'd do well to talk to a doctor about it, though, to be sure that you don't have some kind of seizure disorder like epilepsy.

[DJTetsu]

Aite bro, the most positive sentence in your long post is that you've developed a personal faith and that you just have to believe that things will be okay in the end. This is important because you can't expect to always be in control over your recovery process, and when you can, just let it go, and believe that your mind will eventually iron this out, and this will manifest itself simply by believing.

I'm no psychologist, but steps to recovery, I believe is going from denial to acceptance. I can't relate to your situation since I think I've had a descent childhood, but I believe you can ONLY loop through the negative thoughts about your father until you go, ok, this is not helping me, and if fact, it's bringing me down. Some one looking at this from the outside will go, ok, what's the point of letting your past affect you so badly when the past can only affect the present the way we let them. That is logical thinking. Unfortunately this is harder than it sounds. It is what your logical conscious mind want, but there is our beast of our subconscious.

I think tripping and even meditation can make you aware of the thought processes of our subconscious. I'm not sure if you are still tripping but if you are, I think the path to your recovery is to accept what has happened. I personally use tripping/meditation to be grateful of everything (the now), and in a way, that is accepting all the good and bad things, and being grateful that I have both. Accept that you did have an abusive environment and things were tough back then. Things don't need to tough right now, it's your silly mind that's wanting this. I'm not sure the details about your relationship with him, and you want closure so you can move on. Well he ain't coming back, you're a live, you want to be enjoying all the good things in life, so that in itself, can be enough for closure. I do suggest visiting him, talk to him, talk to your mom, talk to your friends (well if you can). Don't fear, instead accept. Yoda said do not fear for fear turns into anger. You're alive, you're in good health. Watch somethings funny, laugh. Jerk off. Don't dive too deep into your thoughts. Your subconscious mind, ultimately, want to be in good health. It just want you to guide it to get over this lump.

May the force will be with you.

[Bobcat]

Youve had quite the introspective moment, and that part of it is good. Your history is likely a major player in all of this, but I agree you need to see a doctor to get this seizure thing looked at. It's very possible you have an organic problem- something based in your physical biology- that is causing the depression and also the seizure. I'm trying to say that you could have something like epilepsy and that is also causing the moodiness. Along those same lines, you may be bringing up old events in your mind because of the mood your in (as opposed to earlier events causing your mood).

You may end up with more seizures down the road, which isn't good. So please see a doctor asap, especially if you drive. There are treatments available.

These problems may also stem from a more psychological issue. I imagine you are in your early twenties? Many psychological issues start at that time. You may be at the start of major depression, bipolar disorder, or other condition. Better you seek help now than later.

You should see a counselor apart from the physician. You need to talk through these issues because now that they are relevant to your conscience again, they will not go away. I think you must be a very insightful and intelligent person to just have gotten as far with this as you have, but you cannot do it alone. You need to bounce ideas and feelings off of a trained professional who will help guide you through this problem. You do not want just a psychiatrist either, you want someone like a counselor or psychologist that will sit with you often for at least an hour at a time- at least at first.

You mentioned that you have lost some friendships along this journey- notably after you quit smoking pot. You did not specifically say that this bothered you, but I imagine it does. I'd offer you the perspective that if pot was the major reason your group spent time together, then maybe they weren't really your friends anyway. Maybe all of this will give you the opportunity to find closer relationships with people that want to be around you regardless of drug use. People you trust enough to talk to about your emotions.

Lastly I think its awesome that you have gained some spirituality from all this. I've never believed spirituality made lives easier, but it certainly makes them better! Keep the faith and take the next step to a better life!

[lost within]

Originally Posted by Hidra

can you give more details on this?

I don't remember, but at some point in the first day after the trip, I got my first panic attack. I don't remember anything triggering it.

I had a couple seizures a few years ago, but I believe it was due to the stress of the recent death of my dad, as well as moving, and going to a new school. I went to the doctor and had tests done (dont remember which kinds), but they didn't find anything. I never had any serious illness before or after the seizures. Hypoglycemia, or whatever is called, runs in the family, and I believe the seizure while tripping was due to not eating the whole day. This happened after I jumped in the pool, which was cold, and I laid around in cold,wet cloths for a few.

These problems may also stem from a more psychological issue. I imagine you are in your early twenties? Many psychological issues start at that time. You may be at the start of major depression, bipolar disorder, or other condition. Better you seek help now than later.

Yes, I'm 21. As I look back on my dad's behavior, he had to have something going on to make him act the way he did. He came from a broken home as well, and his mother killed herself when he was young. One of my biggest fears is that I get whatever he had, or turn out the way he was. I saw a therapist a couple times, but have not gone back yet...It's hard for me to ask for help, and to believe that somebody could help me.

Yea, the friendship that ended was a good thing really, for reasons that aren't important. As I grew older and older, it got harder to make friends, and at this point, I have none. I have no family that I am close too enough to talk too, including my mom.

Thanks for all the help. I know in the end, only I can change my situation...I just hope I have the strength to do so.

[Bobcat]

If it helps any, you can look at it like this: A counselor isn't going to fix you. They will guide YOU so that YOU can find a way to help YOURSELF. It's all about you... It's your choice in the end but I personally think you should at least give it a try. Especially since you have noted a family history.

I check the forums a lot, so if you ever need someone to just rant / vent at, or if you need any feedback on anything, please feel free to PM me and let it go. I'll always let ya know what I think.

[lost within]

A counselor isn't going to fix you. They will guide YOU so that YOU can find a way to help YOURSELF. It's all about you...

I agree 100% and have always felt this way. At the hardest times I just keep telling myself that I WILL get better and that I won't feel this way forever. I've put it off for 2-3 weeks, but have finally started to find where my dad's resting place is, and hopefully when I do, I will be ready to go there. Depending on how I feel after I talk to him will determine whether I go back to counseling or not.

"The struggle never ends to keep it in check,
But I never stop trying to make the treck."
-311

[Hippie3]

go back to counseling,
and stop tripping entirely until you get better.
you are inherently a social being,
i would not wait for a solution from within,
the external human contact given in counseling
will help speed and guide the process.

[Psychenaut]

I'd sugest being very picky about the psych dr. you go see. They aren't all the same. The majority of them will blame this almost entirely on the mushrooms (something most of them know little about) and then proceed into stuffing one of their extra special pills down your throat to "make it all better".

The greaving process for repressed emotions surfacing can by long and painfull and it is a process for sure.. Sometimes you go through months of "if's" and placing blame on this and that, and in some cases that blame may be valid, it could very well be a variable that has helped you end up where you are now.... but so was the way you coped with that given situation.

Like hippie said, "we are social beings". Sometimes we need to take a step back from things and spend some time in scilence gain perspective but after a time you can end up just spinning your wheels, in a cycle of miserablisms and doubt. There comes a point where you've got to face what happened, acce3pt the consequences, forgive others AND forgive YOURSELF for the mistakes of the past, and cry.. let it out and begin to heal.. strive to once again embrace the moment you are in.. to be clear enough within to see just how special those around you are... and how special you are. Perfection is a nasty little joke, we all have our pains and our regrets, we've all been weak and hurt eachother.. take comfort in knowing that we are in this crazy house called the universe together. You are not alone.

[Raul del Angelo]

Lost Within,

It sounds as though you didn't have a seizure
it sounds like hypothermia. Hypothermia occurs
when your core temperature drops too low. I
can see how with low blood sugar it could be
mistaken for a seizure. I've had hypothermia
a few times and it's scarry, the first time I was
paralyzed for about an hour. That with low
blood sugar that would be the shits.
So put it behind you and don't be too concerned
especially because you have already had an MD
workup and been cleared.

Try not to trip unless your in a good state of mind.
I've always thought of psychedelics as personality
amplifiers. If your not in a good state of mind
tripping ain't gunna make it better. This might be
the wrong place to say it but its OK to be drug
free. Pick your time and place, make it count.

I got a shitpot full of problems myself, different
from yours, but they seem pretty important to me.
I have learned something that really helps me.
I call it cognitive distraction. What it means
is that find something to occupy your mind. I'm
sure you have noticed that sometimes the day
just flys by when your busy. Well use that as
a therapy, I do. I find the most self destructive
thing I can do is ruminate. That's when I just
sit there and go over what's wrong in my mind.
If you can try to avoid that.

Finally, you say you lost your friends. Well I would
say it looks like about 10 people here care enough
about you to speak up. PM me I'll talk to you, as I
would guess most of those here would. No one's
life is painfree, sounds like your just getting your share.

Peace, Raul

[vitamin_d_added]

On a sidenote:

I had an experence similar to yours when I was younger. I had gone about 72hrs without eating anything (partying) and was given a 60mg Morphine Sulphate tablet.

Within about 30~45 mins I began having trouble seeing. This progressed into a "tunnel-vision" of sorts where only the very center of my field of view would be in focus/sharp contrast. I was very freaked out about this and opted not to tell the people I was with, hoping things would straighten out after the first wave.

No such luck.

We decided to go for a drive to another friends house and piled into the car. After maybe 5mins in the car I noticed my hands were becoming stiff. I had problems opening and closing them, like they were frozen or something. Great waves of crippling nausea assaulted my body in an endless procession, one after another. This was intersparced with periods of "unawareness" or blackout.

After a short amout of driving we arived at our destination. Everyone got out of the vehicle; but when I went to exit my legs wouldn't work properly and I fell from the vehicle with all the grace and precision of a sack of coal. I lay there barely able to speak, unable to move, while my friends looked on in horror.

"You want something to eat?" my friend asked, thinking I was just OD'ing.
"Yep" was all I could manage.
They brought me 3 pieces of bread which I ate immediately.

Within 5mis I was feeling ok and was able to walk around. Within 10 I was feeling good and enjoying the little bit of candy I had eaten earlier.

I think this was realted to low blood sugar; a thing a have little tolerance for anyway.

Just thought that might help.

[wumpsdad]

Good you are keeping positive.
remind yourself frequently, that you you are a *survivor* of your abuse, not a victim of it.

Wumpsdad

[EcuadorianMush]

NLP NLP NLP NLP NLP NEURO LINGUISTIC PROGRAMING
THIS is the best thing i have read...
learn...
u can change ur personal history..... and do incredible things with ur brain if u are smart....
i now u can...
just read Milton Erickson books...
Or Richard Blander...
They are good ... really good at mind control...
u can change everything u want if u want...

[venixxx]

good luck my friend

[oibchip]

U guys do know that this thread hasn't been active since 06 ?

[venixxx]

humm I am a tard

[farmerjohncc]

Originally Posted by oibchip

U guys do know that this thread hasn't been active since 06 ?

Regardless, the responses from the 'Topia community are very sincere, compassionate and thoughtful.